Recent reports have noted a remarkable change in Master Slacker Ho Jiaxuan's behavior lately. Instead of loafing around and looking depressed, Jx has been sighted in libraries and study corners. Even more horrifyingly, his hands were reported to be holding prelim papers - PRELIM PAPERS?? - and revision exercises. Also, classmates of S13 have brought back intriguing exploits of mugging sessions with him.

"Ahh.. go away, f*** off" was his reply to our enquries regarding his 540 degree change. At least that hasn't changed.

Close friends and relatives have expressed their cluelessness at this phenomenom. ("Knowing Jx, something is not right" classmate Kiamin was quoted saying) Some habits die hard though. Jx has still not passed up his maths homework, and he's attention span in class has been mediocre to say the least. But the effort itself is a miracle. Scientists and mind experts have attributed this to the next stage, fourth to be precise, of depression. Symptons of the third stage still lingers though. "There is something wrong with his head" declared his fellow guy classmates after Jx laughed hysterically in class after Miss Wong dropped her marker, plus his failed attempt to gay S13 nice guy Reuben. In addition, Jx has not gone on any LANing expeditions since last week, which is a all time non-exam record. AND, he has actually declared feelings for his results. That's like Reuben saying he loves Huiling.

Has Jx finally lost it? Imagine giving up his slacking roots for a lifetime of misery. Knowing his miserable past, anything is possible. Does anyone have the power to bring him back to life? Maybe someone does..

The mystery continues.. -_'Jx]- Report

Note: w.r.t to post 18/07/04
 
I saw the wrong person.  

First smiley for an eternity of endless darkness which juz ended partially.. yep I'm not insane or whatever, not really back to my normal self, but at least better. K maybe I've been paranoid lately, but yesterday seemed to be full of answers... I can't really say it in words.. too lazy to use pictures.. so juz use your imagination ya?

Anyway, I say goodbye to NJ chess and bridge club.. Mr Ong gave me a special mention in his speech haha for achievement.. anyway, think he still can remember fifteen months ago.. A chinese high boy walked up to him, and asked about the weiqi team.. Ong replied, "We aren't traditionally strong, we haven't had a team for a long long time.." Still can remember the words I said.. something like "I didn't come here to lose. I came to beat HC and win." Lol, like in the movies, a declaration of destiny.. Think Ong was skeptical, but really back then it was an impossible dream, something I didn't really expect to do. HC were the undisputed titans at JC level, RJ and VJ were strong too. NJ had nothing, but a dream of a boy filled with hatred and belief.. Down the road, maybe dreams do come true after all.. Well, said goodbye to the rest of the exco and welcomed the new blood, who gave us flowers.. FLOWERS... for a goodbye gift.. I planted the seed and grew the roots, now time for Xd to nuture, and make it flower..... K maybe I do have a little feelings for this team. Juz a little..

CO concert was a bore, but Km is stylo sia, I respect you brother, your drumming is fanatastic.. MY also, but looks rather blur, she did a rather chim drum act too, and Leo was clapping like crazy... as for Hl and Wb, nice job ya, I don't want to say anymore cause I didn't really notice =!.. The China master was a pro, use teeth to whistle haha.. actually NJ CO standard not bad, juz that the wrong people crow about it... Jy was comical, don't understand what the guzheng people were doing... after the thing went to find Km and My, whom were delighted to see us. Fairygodfather nia. After which me and Leo went to Old Market for a bite.. saw a few people.. haha then got this foreigner taking pictures of Sh, don't know what she was doing.. me and Leo talked quite a bit la, about Love Actually the move.. Vic also enjoyed it recently.. alot of sentiments to be shared.. got home about eleven and I was pooped.. but then on the comp, spent some time talking to some pals online.. juz realised I'm not the only one who like F.I.R... lol, songs really quite nice.. Went to bed feeling a whole lot better. When everything goes wrong, somehow friendship is a very nice andidote.. Thought things through? That's not me..

=) ? That's juz not me...

Not really a thrilling 4 days since I last blogged.. feeling rather pooped though. Slept at 2 am last night after a rather one-sided victory over Leo's buddies... feel rather empty though, revenge doesn't taste as well as it looks, at least on the surface.. Anyway, after this last game I don't want to touch dotA anymore. So there goes my last link with the gaming world... Studying officially starts.. James Lim is a really great teacher, patient and understanding, but it's Miss Wong's sacrifice of professional pride that really touches me.. gotta repay them by doing well in prelims. Gwee is great too; only Felix Lim remains the bochup one.. ay don't care about him la... Watched Arthur with Leo, Mh and Reubs, and it totally stinks; even Keira couldn't save Olsen's ugly arse.. Then they wanted to go AJ. Part of me wanted to, but... forget it ya? Seriously never tried putting my legs on another seat during a movie, but Mh showed the way.. Btw, if one feels urgent during a movie, and actually answers the call of nature, then something is seriously wrong.. I sat through LOTR for 3 hours before.... waterfall... Thursday was the most uneventful day of the week, I don't even know why I went, though I found out I AM a racist after GP discussion, can't tell an Indian from a mud... had lunch with Marcus (eventful?). Ponned school on friday, juz came for chem prac, so I ought to be struck by lightning..

Words and more words. I'm not thinking anymore, probably the reason why I seem so much happier?

Got chess and bridge day later, wtf, don't feel like going.. worse still CO concert. I don't even like anyone in CO, except maybe Km and My, really detest those farkers.. Yea yea, International Champs, I want to see your rivals.. what rivals? So stfu, get a life. Frustration getting to me ya, even trivial shit like this I get angry... really need someone to talk to now.. even my cousin doesn't understand, so how?

Wait for the rain to come lor..

Yep, I've gone bonkers lol. I'm being cheerful and everything, gaying with Leo and Taf, talking cok with the girls, learning dotA tips.. actually can any one see that I don't feel any emotion? It's all an act guys, I don't feel anything. Second stage of severe depression? =p Must be... Oh well, it's long overdue ya? What can I do lor.. at least tomorrow's a short day hahaha, shucks to those who have remedial.. can go home and slack a bit. Today's prize presentation was a screw up, Mh and Xd late plus the speech not written (not my boody fault; it was miscommunication).. Didn't manage to kaobei anyone, V. Cheng said congrats to me twice, and I don't give a shit.. but everyone clapping, plus the respect garnered later was quite ok; I'm going down in NJ history as the first captain, the person who revived the non-existant fortunes of the weiqi team, the champion who brought it the first success, who led the team that toppled HC and RJ for the first time in 20 years, but who cares, who gives a damn lor.. Well done Jy, proud of ya, speech was very nicely said..... Juz remembered, track and field meet tomorrow.. one year ago that loser Melvick or whatever cock name screamed at us and said we didn't love the school, we had no heart, no blah blah BLAH.. Well, if that makes him happy, he's right. WELL DONE YOU FARKER, SO SMART! Nice guy, gave his heart to a block of stone. Anyway good luck to Cw, Derrick and friends.. Hope you guys do well, though frankly speaking NJ track doesn't have a chance ya? Richard and guys too fast.. Juz do your best... Relief teacher Mr Tan was a joke, I played Nature Park throughout his whole prac lesson and he was clueless.. so much for gracias society.. Tomorrow Miss Chua taking us for civics, can't stand her tehness.. but she is quite nice, I think..

I don't want to think about anything else anymore.. maybe my feelings for life will return. Yet some emotions die hard..... hope tomorrow will be better.

 

- "I will laugh, joke and smile with you guys. Even when my heart bleeds dry beneath the surface, I will not shed a tear"

Is it just me, or I'm going crazy..
 
Trying few days for me.. get home from school about 7 everyday is taking a toil on my mental health.. not to mentioned the fact that I'm thinking too much as usual. And the fact that I'm doing homework, which is quite taxing.. If only I was in arts stream, would be slacking like siao now, and As would be guaranteed. HmM, sometimes it's juz like that ya? Now James Lim has caught me, and I have remedial with him..
 
Anyway, fri night was a mix of emotions. Met Wx and Gx at 715 at HC bus stop, then got to Kallang at 740, when the concert juz started.. cut it a bit fine, but at least we got there.. Yh's fren Jason waited for us, got to thank him for that. Then, it was WOW.. never thought Yh was a dancer, but looking at him prancing on the stage was something the 3 of us would never dream of... SAJC's dancing, compared to AJ's, was more exciting, more adventurous. Maybe for different purposes.. Yh gave up weiqi for this, maybe it was a right choice; weiqi has given me nothing but sorrow. I went to NJ to build a team for the purpose of taking down HC.. 15 months later, I feel no joy, no emotion at my success.. my revenge was on my friends, taking them down was painful.. so the hatred I've been nuturing for the past year and so has been a figment of my imagination. Now that's its gone, I feel no purpose. But anyhow, this is about the dance ya, forget about weiqi.. 3 of us in school uniform LOL, then I saw Peigen and Yuhong, with a few of their friends.. Then during the interval, I saw her again.. I think I wasn't hallucinating or anything, because she looked up and there was recognition in her eyes.. then she turned away..
 
I can't really remember anything afterwards, except we went on stage to find Yh after the performance. He was ecstatic at our arrival, though Cm wasn't with us.. no change there with the 3 of them at least; they still look the same. Then I rushed home, not without walking a long way out due to lack of taxis.. after that played dotA, had a huge argument with Leo n Chun, and now I think I've scraped dotA for good.. not really anything, but Py, Derek and Velo, all little squirts.. want to play serious come lan centre we settle, don't lol here lol there.. all these senseless arguments about pride and such, who understands it? I juz want to kill them once and forget it forever.. fuse has been short lately, think I'm really going crazy.. all this talk about friendship and such.. Leo really wants to be the good guy in front of all of them huh? Well go ahead... forget about all this shit.. I don't really care about all these trivial matters anymore. Should have gone eat supper with Wx and Gx dammit.. Now don't really feel like going prom night also. I juz want to end this farking JC life and start afresh. If I had another choice, I would go poly or another JC. Definitely not NJ. Farking loser school who promotes VPs for fun..
 
Hope I saw the wrong person. Even if I saw the right one, who gives a shit. I can't do anything. There's nothing but a bitter taste in my mouth right now. At this moment I don't care about anything. Or anyone. 
 
 

Can't decide. As expected someone got no time.. at least got respond this time.. but it's like more and more no hope.. HaiZ.. concentrate on studies ba.....

Anyway, meeting up with old pals is always nice.

My evil speech not allowed.. That's a bit of a waste; I took great pains to write it. Oh well, if people can't appreciate my talents, then forget it ya..

K, I've decided to write in proper language because of GP reasons.. After getting a horrid 30/50 for essay, I feel rather worried about my low marks.. Hey, after all, if not for GP, what else can I top the class in? By the way, this is not for you Alphis, though I do care about your opinion...

Catching up so far has been moderate, but who ever said it was going to be easy? Didn't really feel like writing this blog anymore, but somehow letting some frustrations out in my writing is rather essential.. think I'm running a temperature... Hahaha must be all the extra work which I'm not really used to.. plus the fact that someone didn't reject me, at least not for now.. feeling a wee bit happier than the past few days... Hey, even if someone doesn't go, I've still my old pals to look forward to: Wuxuan, my oldest friend at 13 years; Guang Xu, lesser by 6; Yihui at 6... Old weiqi team mates, damn close buddies. Though I won't be as happy.. the more one wants something, the more he or she isn't going to get it =p.. SA dance concert, 2nd concert of my life..

2 long days... hope tomorrow's short day will be better..

Kk.. Think dis is the time I finally stand up liao.. Tot it thru, decided no1 can help me but myself... life's screwed up, but haf to go on, if not for myself, for my family n frens... Time to wake up from dis nightmare, n live life again, the way I did b4.. cca over, cip over, no more lanning, no more gaming.. going to change liao.. no more jokes n lameness.. cold emotionless approach to everything seems the best way now. Yep, any affairs of the heart will haf to wait.. any emotions haf to be erased...

Got to change b4 it's too late..

The song playing is Meteor.. may it provide the energy I need to tide dis crisis over.. like a meteor, I will fly over the barriers n find myself again.. Hope, L'Esperance

Haven blog for 4 days liao.. muz be too busy la... Anyway, got 3 Fs again, but dis time expected one, so not too worried, except kena kb like SIAO la.. esp dat senile Miss Wong.. she ask me huh wad I need to do well in maths, den I almost said change teacher... KnN.. Jx got attitude prob now liao le... changed so much over the past few mths from guai kia to pai kia HAHAHAHA.. attitude maths teacher, attitude cca, attitude even my dear mother... HaiZ muz change soon. NS checkup got D, muz go back... cos eye got prob... SianZ

Muz mug liao la.. Think dis time really serious le.. left 2 mths, cannot play play like last time, laugh when fail. Muz stop dotA, though now getting rather pro, although not as pro as panda-boy Barney la... tmd dat guy is sibei SIBEI pro, can rape Qixian n Chun.. All the teachers think I got family probs, my frens think I fooling arnd, or think I stoopid la.. I dun give a fark la guys. When u all mug liddat n still fail, stoopid guys r u all la... hmm Im writing dis as I ponned sch again.. LAST TIME I SWEAR!.. budden today like cao sian la, so only going for chem prac, where Gwee's gonna kill me la.....

Contemplating whether to invite someone to SA dance concert. Think I better not try.. enough trouble as it is liao...

Yep shall end here.. nxt time might b a long time off...

Why am I even speaking like dis la... haiZ

Lol... remember me saying moi wld get tired of blogging excessively soon? Well, haven blogged for 1 plus day le... anyway last few days haf been lan, lan n more lan.. Though my dotA skills r improving tremendously, but hor... life shd haf a bit more den lanning la... damn farking sian, even though I 1v2 can beat Salas n Taf.. Like wtF, Greece can win Portugal la, so anithing is possible lor..

Anyway I dunno y la.. but starting to see u everywhere.. first at sentosa, den at prime, den now at PS... mebbe think too much le, den see things.. HaiZ... find myself getting off one bus-stop earlier to walk arnd market place, hoping to see u.. the days meeting u was like a fairytale dat did not link to reality.... even in dreams.. All the same, its getting more n more improbable.. Like my cuz says, whether one is with the person he or she likes is not impt; as long as the person is happy, one is happy.. easy to say la. When I see any lookalikes wif guys arnd dem, I feel sad, even though its not u.. Im walking arnd in circles, cos I dunno how to start, yet dunno how to end, cos I dunno y I so jian jue.. Haha, ppl realli dunno wads contentment.. 6 mths ago tok to u enuf to make me fly, now.. seems so far away... the 2 mths pass so fast.. hope my existence is present in ur mind.. if not who's to blame?.. me la, me not gd enuf..

Anyway, all the best, if u ever read dis..

Last nite too tired, so din write blog... Sentosa was quite ok la.. got alot of beach babes n guys playing beach volleyball... played beach soccer wif class, den me QX and Leo beat some AJ soccer wannabes, but they played damn rough, so moi was largely ineffective and cos on sand cant dribble.. den for dis moment I tot I saw someone.. but illusion again.. wads happening to me lor, even way of speech oso liddat.. Anyway forgot to bring xtra pants n towel, so cld not go into sea..... SianZ.. after bury Isaac in sand, give him artificial breast n a broken cock, quite er xin actually hahaha... later went for dinner, den decided to play lan, which juz abt ruined my whole evening cos QX raped me n Chun... like 2 v 3 liddat, cos Reubs not pro yet.. den dis morn Vic told me wad I miss last nite.. so no matter how great or successful the class outing last nite was, F*** it.. nothing's going right, everything is eluding me..... even the carrot dangling in front of me looks bitter n rotten..

Have you ever

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for the words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found that one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Coz baby I can't sleep
[Chorus]

Today arh, CT over liao... but dun wanna tok abt it.. chem took me like 30 mins..... den play dota, kena raped by Qixian. Sian diao. Tmr still got class gathering at Sentosa..

Anyway, was juz toking to the gays in my class, den for no reason, juz toking some cok, broached dis subj I found rather intriguing.. Like, for one thing, everywhere u go, u see many ppl.. den all of dem r like urself, starring out of their heads, having their own thoughts n lives... like its interesting rite? So many perspectives of the world.. everyone wif their own worries n troubles, their own purpose in life..

Den hor, haf u ever thought abt this thing called coincidence..... like the show "Turn left, turn right".. the person u might meet in the future cld be right beside u one day, n u nv know.. for a crude example u see this siao mei mei, nxt time cld be ur student, or secretary, or evem *gasp* ur wife! Like, mebbe I was beside one of u guys in a cradle at mount alvernia, den now 17 yrs later we meet again... No1 knows rite.. Dis movie actually got meaning, dun nid to be lovers la, but frens or aquaintances.. anything one does or doesn't do leads to a diff path in life.. like if I post dis blog n taffy sees it, den he feels sad (dunno y la, juz EXAMPLE!), n he jump from his flat.. den tmr no sentosa trip... den mebbe if we HAD gone, lightning strike Leo, den Mingyong cry until crazy... den Huiling go comfort her until herself very distraughted... den she go home.. Gang hao Ming Hong nv go Sentosa, becos he overslept, den he meet her on the street n comfort her... den.... *yuck*. Budden if taffy go to heaven, den MH sad, den HL comfort him.. u get the idea..

So.. its better not to do anything at all