This could be my last blog till probably a long time ahead. So I might as well make it damn long, and let out my frustrations.

Somehow or another I went to study with Kangyu and Jingyin today.. got off to a rather bad start as I was late for 42 mins; people who know me well will understand they were lucky. It didn't continue very well... We started at J8, walked to some place near it, walked back, then went to Amk KFC, then went to Jubilee to look at books, then wound up returning to J8. When some advertisement I can't remember mentioned that we spent 3 years of our live travelling, it wasn't kidding.. Anyway, I spent most of the time niaoing Jy about his girl, since she's my classmate I can't stop laughing about it =x I noticed it like damn long ago, but now its confirmed..... I'm was convulsing with unsurpassed mirth for quite some time, before I realised that I didn't do much. The start of a bad day.

Forgot to mention this from last night- Leo had some funny theory about guys with small social circles most probably marrying aquaintances from their childhood or school life... Leo can be imaginative at times, but there's a certain element of truth in it.. probably the special bond only innocence can bring, that since we knew each other from young, whether any trace of deceit or negative aspects could be felt.. also, approaching would also be easy (yea right). Rather worked up about it.. but really, there's no basis. Sad truth. If there's any hope at all, she ignored my sms the whole day.. Haiz, I've really blown it this time.

Just got back from my cousin's birthday party lol.. and ya, my 3rd oldest girl cousin, who is 5 months older den me, brought along her first boyfriend.. that leaves me as the oldest one that hasn't done anything for my social life. But I've always been the academic one, the guai1 kia4, never get into trouble, never screw up etc etc... Was very close with my cousins, but sort of drifted away since last year, so they don't sense the change. Nor have they realised I'm no longer producing the results... Come to think of it, my kors and jies have always shielded me from the way they lead their lives, always treating me protectively as their small brother; no alcohol, clubbing, smoking... because they thought I had a future ahead.. why can't I live up to their expectations... Before I left, my 2 oldest kors and my uncle gave me their different versions of a back massage, as their way of wishing me all best for my A lvls. Then my big family talked about my NS enlistment... so fast they say.. their little Jiaxuan is growing up, to be the man they always thought he'll be... All their beaming smiles, their pride and faith; I can't look them in the eye, can't bear to reveal the pitiful remains of the bright youngster they knew. I know now, crystal clear in my mind; I can't fail now, I CAN'T LET THEM DOWN.

Some time in life, you realise you live life not for yourself alone, but for others too.

To those losers who laugh at fallen Sg idols, please slap yourself or something. I'm not a fan or anything, but these people need courage to stand up there.. I looked at David Yeo's face, all their faces in fact, and I was thinking "Hey, how are they feeling up there?" The worst thing in life is the realisation of one's own limitations, and the reality of failure. If you can't share their pain, at least don't gloat..

This is supposed to end here.. But another unexpected incident just occurred. Huiling recently asked me about my fellow camp-coordinator. Similarly to Jy's case, I can't say anything about him until I'm permitted to, out of respect.. Anyway, I got to talk to this friend of hers who met my friend over msn and sms... Had to do the most embarassing thing ever, and ask my friend whether he had feelings for Hl's friend.. rather confusing, friend here friend there. To cover up for her =( I had to make up a story, but in the end ended up telling him something in close resemblance to my case.. tio conselling, but rather tactfully executed, and it did help alot regarding my perspective towards my own problem. His confidently stated point about girls going for quality inside and not the surface made me feel alot better at any rate.. Think he smelt a fish... Hope I did something to help out (I must have right, got alot of information and stuff), and ya, I don't need anything in return.. Minghong owns me a favour though =)

The last 2 incidents have cleared up my mind. 2 more weeks to make a difference. As such, I won't be coming back here that often. If at all that is.

Someday I'll grab myself by the scruff of my neck and beat the shit out of myself. Not the right time. But since when has it ever been the right time?

I'm blogging at midnight again.. Don't know why, but somehow the world seems more quiet and serene. If I ignore the raindrops pelting against the window, I can almost hear my own thoughts floating in the air- pleasant ones, dead monotones, chords of sorrow; they're all the same..

Had the usual maths with Ms Wong on friday morning, and now it's sat, which means that in less than 58 hrs time I will be seating for my first A lvl paper.. it's so close I can almost smell it... Then went Leo's house to get his chem book so I can study in greater detail, which effectively means I have no excuse to stall on chemistry.. hence I have to pass up A lvl papers to Mr Gwee by monday.. Then I'll start thinking about why I didn't drop physics before physics prac, then before chem I'll be moaning about the positives of econs... then it'll be the old problem of Arts VS Science.. Sometimes in my case, its better to cut down on thinking. Like my gp compositions; teachers can't understand because "my language comes from my own world".. lame excuse. Did an essay on tolerance, which was quite apt as I endured some rather trying comments from el critique Leonard Chu.. but they were relevant, hence giving another example of situations when tolerance is a virtue...

Argued so much about the essay I forgot about the time. So I stood her up again.. totally irresponsible and thoughtless... someone kick me. Please.

Today's my cousin's 21st birthday, and my other cousins are threatening that if I don't attend her birthday bash, they will boycott mine 3 years from now.. though I'll probably either be 1) lying in a grave somewhere, or hopefully 2) happily attached to the girl of my dreams so much that I don't care anyway... However, since she's my da jie jie, I have to give face.. probably she'll be given the usual 21 treatment: a trip to the pub and something only above-21s can do. And I won't be allowed to drink because of impending A lvls. Actually I've got alot of my mind; a little alcohol might help..

My friends are screaming because Maia is out. Sg Idol fans are rather sad people..

The truth is tearing up my heart
I can't recognize this place
The endless road without a stop sign
Can't even find a stranger this time

[Chorus]
Why am I still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there is nothing to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Everytime I ask
If this would be the last
Why am I still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather
But it just draws me deeper
How do I get out of this
I think I never will

A crystal forming in the eye
Maybe this would be the last
The winding path down my face
Till I begin to taste the bitterness inside

[ChorusX2]

It's no longer Swee Lee's birthday officially, so he can't boss me around anymore =)

After being relatively muted for rather a long period of time, my tagboard has liven up. And I can't say I'm complaining; it's been rather nice actually, my blog was a dead place.. yea by the way I wrote the previous post in a fit of anger, coupled by the fact that I was delirious from incoming attack of fever, which I have now. After screwing up 1 year because of a female humanoid, it's going to take a really stupid Jx to throw away his As. Then again, you never know. The extent of stupidity has always been relative; what might seem perfectly sound in flash of an irrational moment could be concluded as a big mistake after reflection...

Anyway, I have this theory that if you really want something, the more you want it, the more you aren't going to get it. Because in the process of desiring and fantasizing, people tend to magnify the positive attributes of the object they crave.. so much that they are blinded temporarily by infatuation. The object, or person in this case, becomes so much superior than the real thing; the evils are erased, the good points elevated. Throw in all the cliches about human stupidity (eg. grass always greener on the other side) and you get your picture, abiet a rather sad one. So when they finally get their goal, the illusion vanishes and situation becomes a bit tragic. Because we don't dare look reality in the face, it oftens whacks us on the head, leaving us stunned and confused. However, before that happens, nothing and nothing can shake you out of your reverie. But I'm ok... mugging chem now for your information =D

I can't say "You all won't understand", because that's stupid and juvenile.. But since I AM stupid and juvenile right now, you can read the 4 words again =P

NS report date: 8th Jan 2004 time: 0345 posted to: school 2

"Pissed off" doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling now. Everything carefully planned in the long holidays is gone la, but should have known the probability is too big... Reubs with me though, Vic maybe, and a few others like Xianghui.

If like that, my debts could drop to S$70+.. currently,

Jay tickets- 280
potential costs- 40
Minghong- 30 (including bets)
Qixian- -20
Kiamin, Jieli- -10

I don't see any more point in pursuing my goals anymore. Lost all my bets last this morning, so still no lucky break... Then again, I've invested too much to drop out now. I don't want to end up like my cousin, who only confessed a few hours before he went army.. firstly it's stupid, secondly it's stupid and thirdly it's sad. Held back too long and it was gone... However, now it's not the time; during hols it's too short; after hols it's NS time. So when's the time? Maybe I should start moaning again, screw up my As and then go rot in some corner... but that's loser talk.

K, somehow I've survived the invasion of the 03S13 Gossip Aunties' Association (GAA~). Words can't express my relief, and I'm too lazy to upload a picture, so use your imagination =D

Somehow I left out my first 3 months S13 class in my sad speech.. other than maybe for the guys like Jinhui and Marcus, Russell occasionally, I've not spoken a word to them. The opportunity to explain for this apparent stuck-up and arrogant attitude hasn't showed its face yet, and after so long, I suppose it wore a mask and everyone forgot what it looked like... People like Minli, Jasmine, Fuling, Huijin, Cynthia, Weiting, Shuying, Peiwen, Huimin.. everytime I saw you girls during that period of time I just turned my head, not willing to talk about anything that had happened, willing everything to be what it was, a storm that would blow itself out. Trying to forget I knew you all, forcing myself to believe it would all go away... Now, it's too late. Somehow if it was a different batch of girls, I might still have female phobia ya? Got to thank you all for the smooth transition... wish you all good luck, and it was a pleasure to know you all, even for only 2 months. And anything just blame Michael Tay; that usually solves all the problems.

In the midst of studying, I just realised I've been doing 2 things- 1) blogging excessively; 2) trying to turn schemes into cash. I blog because I can't touch any games, and I tell my mom this is for gp, so entertainment stakes are up for boring blogging.. Making money is for obvious reasons. So much that I've forgotten how deep a hole I've landed myself into. I might do the not-so-unthinkable and fail gp; I might end up as a sweeper, unfortunately not as a soccer player but rather someone who carries a stick with hair and sweeps the dust away, which will settle the next day, and vice versa.. I could become a hawker or some professional in some lesser field. But on the immediate outlook, I just placed some soccer bets totalling S$20, which will add to my debts of S$320 if everything goes wrong... Monaco, I can't speak french, but you all better win.. Fortune favours the brave; what about the brave and foolish, and relatively desperate? Please let me clear my debts!

No girl is worth S$320...


*FINGERS CROSSED*

I've got 2 things to moan about, and I can't decide which.

*Tosses a coin*

Ok, I shall start with graduation day. I've been waiting for ages and ages to leave NJC, to escape the nightmare that has been galloping after me since last year.. counted the days using my fingers, ticked off days which still remained on my calendar.. cursing the slow flow of time... Yet, as the teachers went through the power point, followed by probably the last get together with S13 in school, I admit, I felt regret. When I said "I really like you guys"... I really meant it. I don't like many people; I'm not the easiest person to like either. But as I sat there, looking at each and everyone of S13, I found myself missing them already. I had so much to say, but nothing came out.

You like the school for the people, not the place itself

Ever heard the Aqua song? If I could turn back time.. to every moment we shared together, from the hilarious moments in PW, the mess up in Funtasia, the soccer matches, lan sessions... really too many to count. Or the many long days, when I sat beside Leonard and Reuben in class, fooling around and talking crap, with Kiamin and Jieli making alot of noise, Taffy and Minghong gaying each other, Weibin sitting in his corner... the girls gossiping like old women, SJI guys monkeying in front... The little moments of magic like sand seeping through my fingers, I can't hold them back; like my unshed tears I can only let them flow deep in my heart. S13, you brought me back to life, showed me how to live again. There is never a shadow without a source of light, and S13, you were my inspiration. I've been stuck in my shell, never did appreciate every one of you. Some people like Sihui and Lianne, might have gotten to know you better.. but its ok. Some hatchets have to be buried, but in the future, not now... Mr Felix Lim, one of the best Civics teachers ever; Mr Gwee, thanks for you care and concern annd your patience; Ms Wong, I'll give you a A; Mrs Yap, you made GP so much more fun. And, ya, Swee Lee, thanks for your concern and pity, but I don't need it. My ego is every inch as big as yours. You take care of yourself brudder, I'll make it myself. I won't let my life go to waste, like how I let the 2 years fly by just like that.

S13. All the best in your future endeavors.

Kiamin, invite us to your wedding end of this year.

Next item, I'm screwed la. Thought reverse psychology would work on Huiling, but apparently it didn't work.. Now the whole class knows about my blog and my personal life, and I'm too lazy to change address...

Thank goodness I haven't revealed any names. Please don't pry thanks =S

As I am writing this blog at this moment, my rage has somewhat simmered down considerably. Some minutes ago, I felt like throwing the keyboard at the moniter, then unplugging the CPU and hurling it out of the window.. Really not screwed-up la, crashed 7 times in a row; for once I am NOT glad to see the number 7.. But anyway, ad-aware has stabilized my system, and maybe its one way of telling me not to play ya? I was in the middle of an intense battle with Leo's friend Velo, and it was sliding in his favour before "POP!" the screen went BLUE, and said "system down". Really not ******* la. But hey, Bounty Hunter is nice to use.. I'm going to try it next time haha. Whenever that is... But really, these two days have been relative day-offs. Went Gan's house to watch soccer, much to Weixun's disgust.. so didn't managed to do much chem. Had an interesting discussion with Gan though, on the Ah Peks soccer team, on the players and stuff.. they were the ones that gave me my calf injury in the first place damnit. Much to the dismay of aspiring punters, Rooney and the Reds drew... Rooney, the next legend? Don't make me laugh.. the word is O-V-E-R-H-Y-P-E-D.

Tomorrow is graduation day. I'm going to save all my sad analogies for tomorrow, since out of courtesy's sake I have to comment on it...

Shall end off with Victor's absurd, spastic, incoherent etc etc but nonetheless true-to-a-certain-extent insight on a bright outlook to life -

"When you are feeling down, just remember that nearly 18 years ago, you fought a titanic battle with trillions of others just to get to The Egg; even after reaching the doorstep, you, a mere cell the size of something I can't see, smashed open the steel gates and rock walls and succeeded in the end result which is you. You are a survivor. You were meant for great things."

I wish it was that way la.

If last friday was a long day, this fri, which is today, which is the tomorrow of yesterday and the yesterday of tomorrow, was even longer.. 1 hr of physics, 2 hrs of math, 4 hrs of chem.. plus I had to run out of school twice, first back home then coro... Panting like a mad dog; trust me, the main gate path is a nightmare. In the sweltering heat, plus the distance one has to cover, going by it twice isn't fun at all. Then I rushed back to Bishan to get prelim papers from a friend after chem, then ran to AMK to print and bind stuff, and then.. yea, you get the idea. Seriously knocked out tonight. Seriously wondered if I wasn't seeing double, but Shuang Han's sister had to turn up. So I'm confused.

Physics was fast.. Mr Lim covered all my queries without breaking sweat, though his mucus was abundant. Darn, I feel so damn stupid lol.. somehow my questions were too easy. Mr Lim flicked them away like annoying flies; I wrestled with titans which translated into physics theories and equations. Math session was better, and ya, my math is improving... I can't say much about chem because I was brain-dead by then.. Haiz, Mr Gwee is a victim of circumstances which has already hung me by the neck. I will work hard, I promise.

Rushed down in a cab to meet her, and ya, what happened was damn irritating, and I can't blame anyone but myself. She waited for me for like quite long, then in turn I waited at her void deck for some time too... rather a waste of time. In the end, she wasn't too happy, and I was a bit pissed. Didn't know what to say, because my brain stopped working some time ago.. and since Reubs was with me, I think she wasn't at ease too. Reubs is a good friend, but his gay image is omnipresent.. Haiz, I screwed it again, but can't be helped. So I left without saying much. Maybe next time.. Kiamin was right.. She wanted to revise on her own. Blinded by my selfish desires and inferiority complex, I had to make her look bad. I don't deserve anything really. Maybe thats why not many words came out, and I could only stare at her... To make this day more interesting, some woman started to preach to us at the bus stop, about taking care of crippled children, or rather, the less fortunate. She was quite ok really, what she said made sense, so me and Reubs really appreciated her effort.. and ya, instead of complaining so much about our lives, why not step into the shoes of others.. like Atticus Finch once told Scout, ".. you never really understand a person until you step into his skin and walk around in it.." Lit is so lovely, pity I let it go.. This nice lady also wished us luck in out exams haha. To end off the day, I paid $10.40 for printing Reubs' chem notes. So I'm like thirty down today, with no relief in sight. So, no more open house visit for me tomorrow.. I need a rest, my eyes are closing... At least not rejected. Yet.

Today was the last official day of school for me.. 12 long years of the same education system, and now it's over. From the early Ai Tong years (1E to 4E), going on to the first strains of studying (5D to 6A), the mixed years in Chinese High (1C, 2C, 3I, 4K), to the dark ages of N-JC education (03S13), it's been a really long time.

Have I really matured? Have I really learnt anything? I'm really not sure.. but one thing certain is, I've made alot of friends, met alot of great teachers. Some of you are still with me, others I lost somewhere in the passage of time.. But no matter what our differences were, or whether I've lost any of you forever, I really appreciate the times we spent together. 6A98 has stood the test of time, and I hope the rest will as well... As for my teachers, nothing can express my gratitude. You made me what I am today, and though I'm rather screwed up, it's my fault and not yours.. Darn it, I feel ashamed. Lol. Yep, I have been through alot... Weiqi, soccer, gaming.. all part of the growing process ya? Now all I need to do is to inculcate mugging into my system.....

On a different note, I really don't know what is going through your mind. If you want to avoid me, just say so.. if you don't want to lend me your stuff, rejection is a good option.. don't play me like a fool... I can take it now, but I feel damn bitter. Maybe I shouldn't have asked Koon, but I had to know. And somehow, I don't feel better..

Graduation day. Who cares man...

Darn.. another bombshell. My friend Leo is DEAD!



Nah, just kidding.. he got food poisoning... We got stretcher and stuff, but in the end he was okay, thanks to Menon's first-aid expertise. Think Mr Gwee over-reacted, but anyway, it was the right thing to do. If Leo somehow lost his his life, no more dotA mate sia.. LOL

After today's scuffle with a bloody drug addict/drunkard/smoker/loser/bastard, I just realised how precious my phone is to me. I wasn't afraid when this guy pestered me, wasn't really that scared when he started hollering in hokkien, or when he wanted money.. I don't know why I was so foolish to lend him my phone in the first place. But when he took off with it, tentacles of terror gripped my heart.. I swear I lost any rationality, never stopping to think that he could turn violent, or produce some weapon... I just ran after him, confronted him and started wrestling my belonging back from him. Luckily, just as it was about to turn ugly, a couple at the bus stop came to my aid, and that loser ran off. I believe that if I wasn't overwelmed by relief, I would have given chase... Seriously, I've lost all faith in human nature.

I didn't really fear the loss of money, nor the embarassment that might follow. It was the messages and the sentimental value which I couldn't let go.. Dammit, I'm a softie... smses from a girl also can't let go =/. Seriously I wondered what would happen if I lost them.. maybe lose all fighting spirit for A levels. Whenever I feel down or dead, a glance through them brings back memories of my first step, and how everything seemed so wonderful then.. when I was so happy; when I felt that life was worth living for... And yea, my phone is unique, the only white light 8250 phone I've seen so far. It's been with me through my darkest days, my happiest moments, always there when I needed it.. Anyone wondering why I don't bother to change phone? Damn that loser; I'm still shaking over the possibility...

Lesson learnt: never seat alone on top of an empty 74. And never NEVER lend any stranger any personal belongings.

A thousand curses on that ungrateful faggot.. I miss my 4 dollars =(

I knew I was meant for greater things!

Getting stuck in the class room and library room for nearly 6 hours is not my idea of a good day. However, the effort of Mr Gwee and Ms Wong is beyond what I can describe.. seriously, if I was a teacher, I won't be able to stand a student like me. Lazy, rebellious, attitude... I think even Reubs can't tolerate me anymore.. And yea, I went to LAN AGAIN. Couldn't control myself, and it was unfortunately quite satisfactory... Using the Faceless Void against overwelming odds (and a very overwelming Leo), me Reubs and Kiamin managed to turn the tables. I stop the time, Reubs poison splash, and Salas and co. are half dead.. Then I totally raped the opposition with my wolf, somehow managing to get 6 ultimate items and 24 kills, even after refraining from excessive killing... Maybe I'm catching up with Chun's standard, but that's not the category I want! Studying standard would be much more preferable...

Saw Chang with 2 not-bad-looking girls today, them curling up in seductive poses as he taught them some subject.. I wanted to laugh, but suddenly something hit me.. Maybe girls do go for intellect. Or maybe just for A lvls. Anyway, it's still damn hilarious, but it seemed not so long ago that both of us were little boys wearing very short khaki shorts, and the paths we each chose to take.. 6 years later, Chang is climbing, and Jx is falling... At least I've made up my mind to go for everything I want, and not run about in circles. Maybe my 2 souls have reached a compromise. I ahd hope my evil and strong side won though, but then again, it could have been worse.. I'm still wondering how I'm going to win her heart, but maths is a good distraction...

On the verge of breaking point.. What's holding me together? Just the burning desire to prove myself again. They can flunk my gp, but my writing is ok and I know it. Just the question of the right content... Take away my writing and you leave me an empty shell. My pride is shattered, and the only way I can mend it is by acing the A levels.. It's like an assasin without hope or morals; he has nothing left to do but to give his all. Nothing to lose, everything to fight for. Frustration threatening to spill out. But as I always tell myself, don't get angry, get even.....

She said yes. She said Jie Lun's concert was one she wanted to go. It's starting to sink in.. I've managed to get something out of her, the very mission I have been pursuing since late last year. Somehow the elation and euphoria that should come with it hasn't sufficed. There's no doubt I feel have a serious crush on her, but is it but a figment of my imagination? Somehow it doesn't feel right.. I'm starting to think I've been chasing an illusion all the time. I made myself think that I liked her, to give me something to look forward to in life. She became my sole purpose in life, together with my burning desire for revenge in the weiqi world.. As it happens, my weiqi spirit is long laid to rest, and this belief is faltering... Lost in this world without a goal is sad. Maybe I needed her as a target so much that I magnified her perfectness, blew her image into gigantic proportions. I'm not sure what I want anymore, or rather, what I need.. Some part of me is shouting in ecstasy, proclaiming this as the first step in the long battle to win her heart; the other is whispering soft pleas of rationality, that in the very first place I have neither the looks nor the substance to engage in this, plus I have much more in life to settle. Yep, I have a split personality. It is much more evident on the soccer court, where I can be seen meekly defending and nothing else, or I can take ball and dribble past almost anyone... I can feel the change, yet I realise my other side has taken over, and I can do nothing about it. Its the same here. One moment I feel that there is no one more worthy of her heart than me; the other I feel so small and insignificant. Yet, I'm left alone during the exams.. Where is my other self when I need him? And I really need him now...

Where are you, Jx?

I should be happy. I got my wish. Yet I'm not happy.

WtF is wrong with me...

1 more month and this nightmare will end. I can't wait man.. Longing for this day since last year. And yep, like always, a last rush for the finishing line. Somehow I always find myself in this situation, screw up the whole year and have to create miracle at the end... Been there, done that, but this time a bit more serious... actually ALOT mroe serious. But I can't sit down and moan like last time. Plus there's extra fire coming.. rage welling inside me, at people who despise me and to the one(s) who don't care.. I feel like a fool that has been played with unwittingly. All is not lost, however.

Played soccer yesterday after smelling ester, so was quite dazed, didn't dare to dribble with the ball at all lol.. lucky my team was damn strong, with Qixian, Leonard, Ka Yun and the shen Youzi.. I dunno how to spell his name, but this guy was damn power, both in ball control and defending. NJ soccer coach must be a big ass, use Watson instead of him.. think he's even better than James... We didn't even lose for 1 hour, until poor Reubs made a horrendous mistake by passing to Russell.. but it's ok. Haiz, piaing maths now. Hope its not too late. And Miss Wong arh Miss Wong, I never appreciated what you did for me, the pains you had to go through. So I'm back for your wisdom, hopefully becoming the miracle I knew I could be...

Somehow I'm now a humji kia.. think better sell the tickets fast and make a quick profit... Why do I even have the hope that you would agree?