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Designed and made by FsDesigns
Designed and made by FsDesigns
Thursday, October 07, 2004
On the verge of breaking point.. What's holding me together? Just the burning desire to prove myself again. They can flunk my gp, but my writing is ok and I know it. Just the question of the right content... Take away my writing and you leave me an empty shell. My pride is shattered, and the only way I can mend it is by acing the A levels.. It's like an assasin without hope or morals; he has nothing left to do but to give his all. Nothing to lose, everything to fight for. Frustration threatening to spill out. But as I always tell myself, don't get angry, get even.....
She said yes. She said Jie Lun's concert was one she wanted to go. It's starting to sink in.. I've managed to get something out of her, the very mission I have been pursuing since late last year. Somehow the elation and euphoria that should come with it hasn't sufficed. There's no doubt I feel have a serious crush on her, but is it but a figment of my imagination? Somehow it doesn't feel right.. I'm starting to think I've been chasing an illusion all the time. I made myself think that I liked her, to give me something to look forward to in life. She became my sole purpose in life, together with my burning desire for revenge in the weiqi world.. As it happens, my weiqi spirit is long laid to rest, and this belief is faltering... Lost in this world without a goal is sad. Maybe I needed her as a target so much that I magnified her perfectness, blew her image into gigantic proportions. I'm not sure what I want anymore, or rather, what I need.. Some part of me is shouting in ecstasy, proclaiming this as the first step in the long battle to win her heart; the other is whispering soft pleas of rationality, that in the very first place I have neither the looks nor the substance to engage in this, plus I have much more in life to settle. Yep, I have a split personality. It is much more evident on the soccer court, where I can be seen meekly defending and nothing else, or I can take ball and dribble past almost anyone... I can feel the change, yet I realise my other side has taken over, and I can do nothing about it. Its the same here. One moment I feel that there is no one more worthy of her heart than me; the other I feel so small and insignificant. Yet, I'm left alone during the exams.. Where is my other self when I need him? And I really need him now...
Where are you, Jx?
_'Jx]- faded at 10:53 AM
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