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Saturday, October 23, 2004


This could be my last blog till probably a long time ahead. So I might as well make it damn long, and let out my frustrations.

Somehow or another I went to study with Kangyu and Jingyin today.. got off to a rather bad start as I was late for 42 mins; people who know me well will understand they were lucky. It didn't continue very well... We started at J8, walked to some place near it, walked back, then went to Amk KFC, then went to Jubilee to look at books, then wound up returning to J8. When some advertisement I can't remember mentioned that we spent 3 years of our live travelling, it wasn't kidding.. Anyway, I spent most of the time niaoing Jy about his girl, since she's my classmate I can't stop laughing about it =x I noticed it like damn long ago, but now its confirmed..... I'm was convulsing with unsurpassed mirth for quite some time, before I realised that I didn't do much. The start of a bad day.

Forgot to mention this from last night- Leo had some funny theory about guys with small social circles most probably marrying aquaintances from their childhood or school life... Leo can be imaginative at times, but there's a certain element of truth in it.. probably the special bond only innocence can bring, that since we knew each other from young, whether any trace of deceit or negative aspects could be felt.. also, approaching would also be easy (yea right). Rather worked up about it.. but really, there's no basis. Sad truth. If there's any hope at all, she ignored my sms the whole day.. Haiz, I've really blown it this time.

Just got back from my cousin's birthday party lol.. and ya, my 3rd oldest girl cousin, who is 5 months older den me, brought along her first boyfriend.. that leaves me as the oldest one that hasn't done anything for my social life. But I've always been the academic one, the guai1 kia4, never get into trouble, never screw up etc etc... Was very close with my cousins, but sort of drifted away since last year, so they don't sense the change. Nor have they realised I'm no longer producing the results... Come to think of it, my kors and jies have always shielded me from the way they lead their lives, always treating me protectively as their small brother; no alcohol, clubbing, smoking... because they thought I had a future ahead.. why can't I live up to their expectations... Before I left, my 2 oldest kors and my uncle gave me their different versions of a back massage, as their way of wishing me all best for my A lvls. Then my big family talked about my NS enlistment... so fast they say.. their little Jiaxuan is growing up, to be the man they always thought he'll be... All their beaming smiles, their pride and faith; I can't look them in the eye, can't bear to reveal the pitiful remains of the bright youngster they knew. I know now, crystal clear in my mind; I can't fail now, I CAN'T LET THEM DOWN.

Some time in life, you realise you live life not for yourself alone, but for others too.

To those losers who laugh at fallen Sg idols, please slap yourself or something. I'm not a fan or anything, but these people need courage to stand up there.. I looked at David Yeo's face, all their faces in fact, and I was thinking "Hey, how are they feeling up there?" The worst thing in life is the realisation of one's own limitations, and the reality of failure. If you can't share their pain, at least don't gloat..

This is supposed to end here.. But another unexpected incident just occurred. Huiling recently asked me about my fellow camp-coordinator. Similarly to Jy's case, I can't say anything about him until I'm permitted to, out of respect.. Anyway, I got to talk to this friend of hers who met my friend over msn and sms... Had to do the most embarassing thing ever, and ask my friend whether he had feelings for Hl's friend.. rather confusing, friend here friend there. To cover up for her =( I had to make up a story, but in the end ended up telling him something in close resemblance to my case.. tio conselling, but rather tactfully executed, and it did help alot regarding my perspective towards my own problem. His confidently stated point about girls going for quality inside and not the surface made me feel alot better at any rate.. Think he smelt a fish... Hope I did something to help out (I must have right, got alot of information and stuff), and ya, I don't need anything in return.. Minghong owns me a favour though =)

The last 2 incidents have cleared up my mind. 2 more weeks to make a difference. As such, I won't be coming back here that often. If at all that is.

Someday I'll grab myself by the scruff of my neck and beat the shit out of myself. Not the right time. But since when has it ever been the right time?

_'Jx]- faded at 11:08 PM