It's just been.. what, 5 days? And my newfound freedom has certainly taken a turn for the worse. Wish I could think of a better word than that, but with the dire circumstances facing me, I can't really rack up any useful adjectives to use.

Firstly, it's been nothing but boredom.. Reubs and Taffy flying off to France and Hong Kong respectively hasn't made things easier. Leo is occupied by his own business, Salas refuses to come out.. really nothing to do. Alphis and Gan have their own stuff to settle, so that effectively puts soccer out of the picture for now. I've kind of lost contact with my secondary school friends.. except the unpleasant encounter with Xianghui and Weilin this morning on route to the gym.

Secondly, when I talk about boredom, it means I'm not having fun. I've got tons of stuff to settle actually.. like my prom clothes, class chalet.. plucking out my wisom teeth and making braces, contact lenses and crap. I don't feel like doing it. Facing the hills of notes on my study table hasn't exactly made things better.. damn I'm in a foul mood.

Kk, perhaps all this is due to my mental state now. I'm trapped in this whirlpool, flapping my hands desperately to get out, in the mean time closing my eyes tightly, refusing to face the situation.. so that if I die, I perish without knowing the true cause. People squeal "Coward!!" but I don't really care. Sooner or later I'll have to face up to her, but right now I wish things would settle down.. I can't think; my head hurts. I snap at everyone, including my parents and brother.. I don't find any pleasure in games anymore, and I especially detest looking at the computer now, except for blogging. There's no one to talk to, no one no one at all. And I lost another friendship last night.. he wanted money more than anything; so damn irritating. I can't just try for 30 dollars, she's worth way more than that. I was stupid and foolish, only seeing the truth now.. Jinhui has been a brick though, thanks bud.

Maybe it'll be better after prom night. Yet, I'll be off to Taiwan, damnit. Wasting my precious holiday. Screw all this la.

After a good night's sleep finally, I tried to recall the events which happened over the last 3 days. To my utter disbelief, my memory bank was malfunctioning; somehow the stormbolt experienced on friday had a permanent effect.. Thus, I was forced to return to this dumb blog, to read my own entries in order to have an idea of what was happening in my life.. kinda embarassing but I was left no choice. Either I leave the empty void there or I do something about it.

I also realised I have set up a class blog, which I must have done in my state of frenzy on sat night.. it looks damn terrible, I've totally lost my face... Jieli says why green? I don't know too, I have the vague recollection of going through various blogskins and choosing the one that was most rare.. guess no one wants to use it. I might want to rectify the problems, but S13 doesn't seem to be very interested in it, so I don't think I'll raise my finger. Class chalet is turning into a nightmare that prances in front of me everytime I talk to a fellow S13er; someone give me a whip!! The class blog at www.nj03s13.blogspot.com will have to hold on for now.. I'm too lazy.

There was this 6D98 gathering yesterday.. I received a message, but didn't bother to reply. Now thinking of it, I might have wanted to see them again.. This holiday is more about taking leave of your childhood memories, and I had great times in 5D too.. I was the class moniter, and constantly runners-up to a big oaf of a ... girl with a hairy chin.. the only people I still have contact with in the class are Josh and Yusheng, and probably Benson and Glenn since they are in NJ. And of course two other pals who went with me to 6A. Rest of them I can sorta see their faces and so, but I won't know what to say to them. There's the question however: do I belong to 6A or 5D? I'm stuck in the middle. I don't belong to 5D anymore, yet 6A people have a stronger bond than me, than 3 of us actually because we came in late.. case of lost identity that came 6 years late. I have this vague memory of a guy called Weichun who told me and Vic to scram when we wanted to play with the 6D guys.. also got that loser Yeeshen laughing and scorning me. Funny things turn out. I don't know exactly why, but I feel this special bond between the 3 of us.. I don't ever want to let you 2 go. Someone up there is playing with me, but seriously I'm not worth the effort. Go play with Kiamin, or Salas, who are going NS in April; they have time to kill.

Wah, such a long blog today.. makes up for the 2 recent short and depressing ones. In dotA, skeleton king's storm bolt lasts 5 seconds or so; her bolt lasted 252000 seconds. I must have died 50400 times more. And hey, 50400 is the answer for the permutation question! Wow I have good memory lol...

Wonder why I can't get over this; even dotA doesn't help anymore. Used to be able to concentrate fully on the task at hand, letting my spirit take over the character within, so much that I could feel myself reaching the outskirts of my potential.. closer and closer to Chun and guys. After friday, I have totally lost the feeling.. can't even play range units properly. Lost to a couple of newbs in Zheng Nan and Jing Yin, and I didn't even play well enough to redeem myself for CS... I thought it was over, and I had made my decision, but all that hogwash has been thrown out of the window. Once I could totally rape Murder and co.; now my kill ratio is comparable to my death ratio... totally screwed up. I can't focus on anything, nothing at all, without images spawning in front of me. Yea, Salas, I know you understand how I feel, but I don't even know what is feeling anymore, so I can't reaffirm your concern. Thanks anyway.

I can remember the times when me and Reubs took 156 to J8 before switching to 88, so that I could just increase the probability of seeing you.. Everytime, I would tell Reubs, "I'll meet her this time, I can feel it." 1st time, 2nd time, 3rd time.. I gave up counting at the 7th, though I went on holding this torch of hope that was beginning to scald my hands. Always, I believed in luck, but after so much that has happened, everything seems to be destined. I can't fight my fate, no matter how much I try. Yet when I least expected it, you had to pop out beside me and say hello. Funny, that when one tries so hard, the desired outcome never materializes.. I must have appeared stunned; in truth I was mesmerized by your beauty, I just didn't know how to put it. We talked like old friends, we behaved like it was normal.. is that the way it will remain? All the way to Orchard, it wasn't tense, just strangely normal. Right now I'm thinking: should I risk 7 years of friendship just to know..

I would have chosen friendship 2 years back. Now I'm not so sure.

A lvls are over. I'm supposed to scream myself silly, shout myself hoarse, tear my hair out in total insanity.. but instead I'm feeling this empty void within.. like something that has always been part of me has been taken away, never to return. 12 years of education finally ends with the end of physics design, and yep, I left my mark with a careless mistake.. as usual.




Kk, so it's a great feeling, though I can't remember much about it.. I know I swore never to touch LAN again, but today was cool man; me, Reubs, Leo and Salas totally raped 3 chinamen, or koreans, or whatever... total teamwork =D I was using Banehollow, and got controlled early on by a darn archer, but the others were great.. In the end I got the highest score, but seriously, it was a surreal feeling. Leo pulverised with his Lion, Salas was clinical with Clinkz, and Reubs was just Reubs with his skeleton king. Damn, I'm rather shagged now, but... good job guys.

After much contemplation, I decided not to ask you again. It's not that the feeling has gone.. but using Jay tickets to buy your affection isn't the best way to start. It's like... for Jay, not for Jx.. Also, it's sort of a betrayal to my parents; I'm spending their hard-earned money on a total stranger to them. It's kinda stupid, using money to beg for love... hope there are other opportunities.

I'll probably spend the rest of the night dreaming about how to spend my next few weeks of total freedom before NS.. and hopefully I'll see you there too.

All I can remember for today is scribbling like hell, getting weird or no answers, telling myself to calm down.. then I passed up the paper feeling totally relieved. I don't want to think about it.. its just a phase in life, and potentially flunking A lvls isn't the worst thing in the world. If she told me she doesn't care whether I exist or not, I might jump.

Seriously confused now.. I got rid off the meddlesome tickets, yet I feel empty inside. Maybe I should ask one last time? Maybe I should give it one last shot; she might agree, and I can fly to heaven... dance practices are important, but I guessed if she really wanted, she would have got out of it somehow. At least I got Huiling and Jael off my back.. then again, I haven't told them yet... Jael's smacks are rather painful; I'm not sure how many blood cells Qixian and gang lost over these 2 years. In conclusion, I'm feeling weird. If I use the w-word more than once, something is wrong. Hence I'm waiting for something to happen.

Leo says he fears me more than Chun at dotA. I told him to get some rest.

Somehow I think that a girl likes me.. 2nd feeling in 3 days. This RJ girl kept looking at me during class when I appeared to be deep in thought.. whenever she had the opportunity, she immediately turned to talk to me. Drats, wish she was a good looker, but the TJ girl was directly in front of me was.. direct, though I got a good view of her rear end LOL.. Nah, I shall continue on my futile journey to win fair maiden's heart, though I rather she slap me and tell me to give up, so I know she knows I exist...

One month ago, I embraced the beginning of the last major examination of my life.

30-plus days later, my computer has been prematurely reinstalled.

In the midst of these hectic days, many things have happened. Unfortunately, my examinations, with the probable exception of Math, have not really gone well. GP wasn't so bad.. I did a repeat of the 1999 Champs League Final, leaving until the last possible minute to finish my essay. Typical Man Utd style. Mcq for sciences has always been a huge problem since I first touched the subject; at least I can say it ended as how it started. Chem and physics paper 2 were massive heartbreaks.. I kissed them fondly, like a mother would bestow her undying love on a beloved child, unwillingly, so desperately yearning for some miracle that would never materialised... Then I let my As for sciences slip away in the moonlight.

Physics paper 3 for tomorrow.. at least I can still salvage something, unlike the other, which I think might drop to a C. Technically, A lvls end on Thurs, but after 1030 tomorrow many will be screaming their lungs out, probably because Physics P5 doesn't help much... That kind of sums up my A lvls.

It's supposed to be the worst month of my life (how many "worst" months do I have, anyway? I lost count somewhere). Yet, without the ill-effects of gaming and playing, I can finally think about how my life is shaping out.. And the end result wasn't that bad. Do results really matter so much? Some dream I had told me I would get ACD, which I don't think might happen.. but if it happens, so what? It's not the end of the world by a long shot. Honestly speaking, there have been 3 major screw-ups in my education history (P4, S3, JC), and all of them turned out to be blessings in major cosmetic disguise... I'm not hinting to the Keeper of Education Results or whatever holy being that I'm screaming for a lousy result sheet.. but you get the idea. The future is a very alien and distant force of nature, something so incomprehensible that we should just.. let it be. Just let everything go and live life as it is.. maybe fate is just directing you to your true path in life. When one bungee jumps, he lets go of everything including his dignity; imagine him trying to fight against the force of gravity. He might succeed, but then again.. maybe not.

Maybe statistics would be more interesting.. look at it this way-

1st MAJOR screw-up
1996 - Jx screws up P4. Ends up in EM1 conditionally. Ends up in 5D when it should be 6B. Screams "It's the end of the ******* world."
Progresses on to 6A due to improvement, which never would have happened if he did well.
6B is damn boring, and they haven't met up in the last few years. 6A98 still going strong.

I must have screamed "It's the end of the ******* world" a million times in the past 18 years, thought I started using letters instead of * about 2 years ago.. The 2nd example wasn't that screwed-up because it was my own unfortunate mistake so I won't spend time expounding on it; I need to study fluids. The 3rd one I refuse to comment because... I REFUSE TO PRAISE S13 ANYMORE. I WASTED 2 ENTRIES ON YOU ALL. AND YOU AREN'T THAT NICE. SO THERE.

And ya, she had something on as usual, though it's real and important, I'm damn disappointed.. No fate I guess, but I won't give up just yet, though it's looking rather bleak now... I absolutely refuse to treat Huiling and Jael to Jay's concert, irregardless of Jael's tehing powers.. 280 dollars down the drain is a heartache though. HAIZ. Lets hope I do well for tomorrow's paper, so I can get the American Club treat from Dr Chan...

It's nice to be back blogging. My language sucks though.