Great.. new year in less than 2 hours.. I'm counting the seconds now to 2005. And what am I doing here? AT HOME. BLOGGING. Talk about no life.. I imagined myself at a countdown party, most probably the foam extravaganza at Sentosa or something, celebrating the end of the teenage years and embracing the dawn of adulthood.. But having said that, I guess I agree fully with my mom; she said it was totally insensitive to party away when hundreds of thousands of people are suffering from hunger and shivering out in the night air without a roof over their heads... SO.. here i am at home. I know I'm repeating myself, but you can take it as an attempt to drive home a point. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself. Perhaps my other self is sulking in one dark corner. Seriously, what if the moon suddenly fell down from the sky?

Really should do a recap for year 2004. It's going to be rather long. But it has been a long year anyway...

Tempted to start off with a cliche beginning, something like "I started the year with much anticipation and apprehension" or some nonsense like that. But it's like, who will know what the year brings? Anyway, it's JC2; what do you expect? Every sane kid will start by making a new year resolution "I will study hard this year!".. I did it because my mom was glaring at me when I laughed at my brother... I didn't keep it though. In year 2003, I didn't care about anything due to some mental conflicts.. 2004 was really a busy year; it drained me mentally and physically...

Speaking of this depression thing last year.. most of my friends, especially the girls, are somewhat skeptical. I'm too tired to explain, too pissed to prove anything.

Basically, the class remained intact.. rather missed Jess though. Maybe because nine months had brought the class closer, so things in class were always pleasant. However, the lack of spirit and carefreeness was evident.. maybe everyone was so occupied with the As... However, the uptightness soon wore off, and everyone was soon caught with ccas and stuff. January passed soon, and February soon followed. March arrived with a bang; chinese AO and PW results.. Salas and I got A2s we barely deserved. I remembered at that time I was more worried about recruitment for my weiqi team than my results, but an A2 is fine.. only one new junior wasn't entirely an optimistic outlook, but Jianyue showed enthusiasm which was infectious. I admit I felt rather betrayed when he revealed his plans to go HC, but in the end he stayed. An IP student called Wenshu also showed his face, and than disappeared. Not exactly a championship winning team, but the future had to be laid.

Somehow, I was having more fun in J2 than J1.. and then migraine struck again. It's no excuse for failing everything though; I admit I didn't study. Also, life in B01 was getting rather tiresome.. at the end of March I did not get above a B for GP.. However, the final piece of my team's jigsaw finally arrived in the form of Xudong. At last I was ready to go for the dream I had been chasing since rejection last year.. Also, things were looking up academically; I sought the help of a certain Dr Chan, who gave me advice and tips, not only for studies, but also life.. April arrived like a breath of fresh air; my weiqi team was training hard, my class was playing soccer and lan regularly together, HELP camp committee was slowly beginning to gel. I was starting, slowly to be happy again.

Some might remember me mysteriously selling tickets for a dance concert, and then escaping from college day, risking mine and the necks of a certain Kiamin and Salas.. Maybe a few of you will recall me rather distracted and occupied during the period from early April to late May. Perhaps some of you guessed it, and I really appreciate the discretion and sensitivity shown, especially by the gossipy class girls.. maybe it's just because you all didn't care? Anyway, that night I truly understood what true friendship actually meant.. when I think of how the three of us ran in the darkness to the school gate; how Kiamin hid from Mr Lim; the way Salas kept his composure when I was on the edge; Leo staying behind to shield and hide our disappearance from the school authorities.. it sort of made all the trouble worthwhile. Maybe I did too much, threw excessively into the circle.. but as Jael said, "Who will he do it for? It's obvious. For a girl." I have no regrets.. we all turn silly when it comes to this kinda things. When you see past the beauty and appearance, you know it's not infatuation anymore. You can laugh all you want.. but when you experience it yourself, its a surreal feeling.

There was this classic scene during this period of time.. the table tennis final between HC and NJ. We lost 3-2, and I can't help cursing Ben Koh for leaving.. anyway, HC was cheering a good-sport cheer for us, and while the rest of the NJ supporters were respectfully standing, watching and clapping, me and Salas, two figures with shirt tails out, were standing with our backs to the HC people. Plus, we were standing ten metres from both parties, somewhat like in the middle of a ring. You should have seen those HC people glaring at us; I really laugh when I recall that scenario...

June arrived, and with it came the weiqi Lanke Cup. We exceeded all expectations by taking HC down, and nearly took the scrap of a certain NYP.. best JC in Singapore, at least for the year 2003, 3rd in the whole country. Shocking, huh? Especially since NJ had no weiqi team before my batch for many a year, never winning anything.. But in my heart, I knew we were good enough, we were the stuff of legends; me, Yinghao, Xudong, Salas, Taffy, Jianyue and Wenshu. The Team. The Champs. Maybe never again.

I shudder when I recall the squash captain saying "Silver shining armour.. valiant warriors" or crap like that. But I guess he was emotional.

After a short trip to KL with Salas, Leo and Reubs, rushed back the night before to attend HELP camp. After planning as a committee member for six months, I admit I was shocked to be downgraded to a sercurity member.. Jiehui was in charge of the camp, and he told me, along with Kee Yih, that I was needed there. Whether for boosting ego or whatever, Kee Yih made me second-in-charge after him. The opportunity to slack was just a myth; I was pooped by the time I reached home. And she wasn't free after I got back; I realise now we didn't have a common free date, and probably never will for the near future. So there you are.. anyway the experiece was fulfilling, and the children were surprisingly grown up for their age. When you think of the fact that they come from single-parent families, you got to feel for them.. the HELP people were really nice, and I made some new friends, which even now I still have contact with... one of them was even involved in an affair with my friend's friend. The world is damn small lor..

Oh ya.. I was hooked on gunbound for a good part of the six months. If anyone was wondering why I never did my homework, you now know.

If anyone thinks after June was all mugging.. anyone was wrong. I didn't seriously start studying till late September. Sure, there were studying sessions with Reubs and Swee Lee in Ang Mo Kio library.. but they were to ease my guilt a little.

Either the last months were super boring, or my memory is fading.. but overall it was a good year. I learnt alot about people, about life, and more importantly about myself as a person.. also realised that happiness remains the single most important thing in our time of existence. When you lose something, you might gain something in return.. be grateful for what you have.. darn it I'm sounding like a crap ass now, think I'll better stop being sentimental and go back to being cynical.

Going to the army and becoming a man. That's what they all say.. but year 2005 promises that much. With a new cap on my head, and renewed hope for the future (which is an outright lie, but have to say it anyway..), here comes 2005. Best wishes to everyone, and I love you all. Really, I do.

I feel so dirty now. Happy new year.

I just realised I have blocked four people on my msn list.. One of them once my old comrade on the battlefield; another an old friend I thought was true to friendship; also one of my best pals I think I am losing right now...

The last one is her.

Doesn't really make sense..

Nine days left before going to NS.. cannot really say I'm looking forward to it, but not really dreading it either...

I'm not going to say stuff like "We should be thankful we're alive" or "We never appreciate what we have" and crap like that, because no one really recognises the true meaning of these words.. we can say we feel the unfortunate in Indonesia, we offer our heartfelt sympathy.. how many of us really mean what we say anyway? Maybe some do shed genuine tears upon seeing the people suffering, but I doubt anyone will remember anything after time washes everything away.. Turkey anyone? Seriously, I'll hit the next guy who says "I understand".. Kindly concentrate on lambasting those bastards who refused to release information of the tsunami.

Just remember to face life now with a renewed purpose.. and live life the way you really want to.

A rose for every innocent soul that will now rest in the havens.

Suffering comes periodically; one wave dies down, and another rises to take it's place soon after.

On a lighter note.. I can't find one. I'll try and come up with something after I return from gathering with my old teammates.. just wish I was trapped in a cave with a beautiful girl like in Yi Tian.. watched it in Leo's house yesterday with aplomb lol. We wanted to prank call Michael Tay and the rest of... the girls haha, but sort of didn't work out because we didn't wake up in time. Imagine 50 miss calls on your handphone without a name to trace to lol.. Salas wanted to act as a girl to tempt Tay.. would have been another classic.

Spiderman's on..

"Our ideals resemble the stars, which illuminate the night. No one will ever be able to touch them. But the men who, like the sailors on the ocean, take them for guides, will undoubtedly reach their goal."

- Carl Schurz

K.. I just settled my problem.

Happy and relieved.

Two simple words, yet they mean so much to me...

Somehow I always have so much to write about.. there are always about three or four things zooming here and there in my brain. Can't really concentrate with so many different aspects of life to focus on; sometimes it seems as if time stops, and I'm the only one moving. I can't hear anything, can't force myself to move, but rather just lose myself in thoughts.. the world around me is stripped of it's colour; everything, from living creatures to immovable objects, have turned black and white, different shades of it... Reminds me of the movie Para Para Sakura. Aaron Kwok as the colourblind fellow, and Cecilia Cheung the adorable heiress who brought colour into his life.. another typical story about dreams coming true, love being the factor that moves all etc. Don't you all get sick of it? I have to admit I respected Tom Hanks' tragic and solemn yet touching ending in The Terminal.. yea, sadistic, cynical, PURE EVIL.. I prefer the term skeptical though.

Ever looked at at the surface of a lake? During the day, when all living creatures are supposedly active, you can never really use the surface of the water as a mirror, to see your own reflection.. there will always be too many ripples swirling about, droplets of water flying here and there, such that any image conjured up will be distorted to some extent... After the sun sets, and serenity takes over, the waters are calm, almost smooth.. then you can see clearly the water bed, the plain that lies beneath. It can be applied to real life situations actually.. sometimes there are so many things hindering, such that you can't really see the whole picture clearly. The disturbances are varied: prejudice, confusion, indecisiveness, even love and desire.. The key to comprehension is to totally empty one's mind, and calm down the angry, hurried thoughts threatening to spill out. It sounds like some Buddhist preachings, but all things are somewhat connected to each other in the first place, whether directly or indirectly.. Anyway, where does all this lead to? Maybe because I've decided that all the odds are against me, even reason and sensibility.. I'll treasure her as a friend, not let anything else affect it.. I can be dying inside, but sadly I'll rather her be happy, not pressured and upset by whatever I seek to achieve. I'm not mature enough to let someone else's happiness get the better of mine, but this time... There's always a first time. Just wish I could see her one last time.. but that might not be a good idea.

Finally, I've thought it through. At least I think I have. After wandering in the swirling mist, searching for an answer I already knew.. it's the end of the road, with a new pathway already laid at my feet.

Trying to pull out whatever feelings I have driven in; like nails they don't come out easy, and they always leave holes behind... they will never heal. Maybe one day someone, maybe her, will mend the scars.. I'll never know. I think I'm still too young to understand all this.. there's a whole life ahead of me...

Yea.. just hope she'll be happy.

I was looking at the mirror sometime around 2 am this morning, something I vowed never to do. It's rather scary really, knowing that there is another image of you existing, probably in a different plane or dimension.. you can probably reassure yourself that it's just a reflection and nothing else. To me, it's like looking through a window, at myself, doing everything opposite to my physical actions.. imagine one day the image stops and says "Hey you there. I'm sick and tired of doing what you do in your world." After all the screaming and hysteria things could turn out pretty cool. Anyway, what I'm saying is, there could be another dimension to the world as we know it. H. G Wells once wrote that there were three dimensions to the world as we know it; if we drew a line connecting the three, we'll have our fourth dimension.. which according to some complex theory would allow us to travel in time... I'm writing a short story based on this mirror-image theory, of another me in the same world but who has taken a different path in life, doing the things I didn't do, making the mistakes I sought to avoid.. I might be seeking a level above what I can achieve now, but someone's got to start somewhere; my other ideas are now expounded into books under some asshole's name, so I can't use them anymore. Just my luck.

It's Boxing Day, and I slept at 5 am last night while talking to Vic on the phone. Sometimes it just feels good complaining and whining about the problems at hand, and although the other party offers you advice which you most probably have heard or thought of, the solace one feels at the moment is particularly satisfying.. Maybe I have been running away from all the problems in my life. Perhaps I never could muster the courage to confront them, instead putting them off time and time again.. After these remaining 10+ days I'll be breaching the outskirts of adulthood.. I'll need to settle all my childhood and teenage problems before that.

Sometimes I get so lost writing that I forget for a moment this is a blog and not a diary.. if my enemy were to stumbe upon this page I'll be dead. Like that loser who reported to the school authorities for my anti-national comments... Sharon Phua actually thought I was fighting with another guy over a girl, and that I looked as if I was suffering from severe problems over relationship.. since we have graduated it doesn't matter anymore, but I have to say this: Miss Phua isn't as stupid as we make her out to be. She was actually really concerned about what I was writing.. that doesn't mean I forgive her for giving me a 5 for GP prelims... Speaking of GP, my J2 teacher Yap Ee May has left for Taiwan after her resignation from NJ, which is a tremendous loss for the school, though I don't give a shit.. I can never probably thank her enough for the help and encouragement she has given me. At least I'll keep in contact with her.

My old teacher Mrs Woolhead came into my dreams sometime during these few days.. she was rather old when I left her tutelage at the age of 12, so hopefully she's in good health, but I'm not optimistic.. I lost contact with her all these years, and could her re-appearance have any significance? She taught me how to write, showed me the power of imagination, gave me the glimpse of the power a pen could give... I can remember the time she said those words to me:

"You can write, my boy.. you have the gift for writing."

After six long years.. and those words are back to haunt me... I'm not even sure if she saw right anymore.

Christmas arrived about two and a half hours ago.. I was watching Rat Race at Ping's house, or rather napping when it struck midnight. Somehow this year the feeling isn't there; no "HEY! It's CHRISTMAS!" or "Where's Santy Claus?".. There's a phrase I really like - the day when children realise there's no Santa Claus. The time when children face reality for the first time, and realise that what they have always believed in doesn't exist anymore. Parents lie to keep their young ones happy, to preserve the innocence threatened by the course of time.. there was this time when I was told that as long as I was a good boy, and I wished hard enough, my wishes would come true... Firstly, I haven't been a good boy this year; secondly, I stopped believing in some fat old man years ago. But I digress.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all the people I know. I shall refrain from making cynical and sarcastic remarks about anything, and be jolly for once.. I can remember in sec 3 when we had to use the first letter of our name and describe ourselves; I wrote "Jovial Jiaxuan".. wrote "Just Jiaxuan" in J1, which seemed more apt...

Last year I was on the bed dying of depression.. this year seems to be a little better; just bitterness and nothing else lol.. but seriously I haven't laughed so much since dunno when. My P6 class guys are really jokers, and it's really amazing how we can remain so close after so many years... I can't really fanthom the reason behind it, especially since me and Vic where only with them for half the time. But for once I'm not complaining.. then Yusheng, my classmate for five years from P1 to P5, told us that the 6D, or rather 5DD and 6D people were hoping we'll turn up, which is kinda heart-warming. But hey, the other two don't want to go, so you can't expect me to turn up alone right? Anyway, soccer was more talk than kick, but there was an arrangement for a 6A vs 6D match next week... And then we went to Thomson for lunch.. nothing would have gone wrong if we had gone to play lan or something else, but Wei Xun HAD to drop a guitar and dent it.. had to pay for him, and ya, it's not a christmas present... 700 dollars sia.

Damn tired now. May this Christmas be better than the last. It had better.

Suddenly the urge for blogging has evaporated..

Like air breaking loose from a pricked balloon.

Maybe I should mend it.. perhaps I should patch up the gaping hole.. but I'm too lazy.

Went to play lan with the guys again today.. really should go through the details of an intriguing and exciting battle, but I'm tired. Tomorrow's 6A gathering.. I'm supposed to inform her, but I didn't. Anyway with only a few girls, guess she won't want to either... So that's it then.

Soccer in 8 hours.. I really should go to sleep. But my Bologna 1909 is too fun.

Wah.. the previous blog entry was a whole load of hogwash, but I can't bring myself to delete it. After all, what do ya expect from a guy who sleeps at 3 plus everyday, crams in about 5 hours, and not even sleeping well for that matter.. Yesterday was one of the better days these holidays, but I ended up playing CM 01/02. Ironically a game of yesterday...

First up on the menu: Mingyong got bitten by my dog. That's casualty number 2 after Huiling's unfortunate yet hilarious incident.. my dog likes blood now. Leonard was unfazed as he was reading the newspapers; I was groggy from lack of sleep. So our reaction was rather slow and unperturbed.. she was okay I guess, but her thumb was cut rather badly...

Reminds me of a classic scene last year, English translated:

-
Scene 1 -

Hl: *SQUEALS and SHRIEKS*

Jx and Mh (running out from room): "What happened?"

Hl: "Your dog BIT me!"

Jx (looks with horror and concern at her hand): :"Oh no.. are you hurt?".

Mh: "WAHAHAHAHA!"

Hl (very dulan face): "... What's so funny?"

Mh: "Ouch! A stitch!"

~

It gets better.

~
Scene 2 -

Mh and Hl inside the room jousting for the computer. Jx outside jousting with dog outside.

Jx: "%#$@! *******"

Dog: "**** **** ****"

Hl: "WEI! I want to use the com!"

Mh: "I want to play warcraft!" (Slices a grunt with a grunt of satisfaction)

Hl: "%#$@!"

Mh: *nonchalent*

*Fight*

Mh (taking a deep breath, delivers the classic line with aplomb): "Ni wei she me bu fan xing gou wei she me hui yao ni!" (Why don't you reflect on your actions!)

Hl (numb with shock.. or is it rage?): *REALLY DULAN FACE*

Mh: "Uh oh.."
-

Darn, the chinese dialogue was more fun.. and you should have been there to see it ya, I can't really bring out the effect and cover the facts at the same time. Maybe that's how all the controversy got about. They say love comes from conflict.. maybe I should take a leaf out of Salas' book.

Went to play lan yesterday, and it's getting no fun.. needed the next 3 best guys to team up before we could change the result. But I admit I played rather badly with the SA in the last game, amid rather pathetic support from Jieli and Kiamin.. Leo's friend Zhipeng joined us later, and hey, he's facing the love bug too! Curse the monstrous evil six-legged freak.. anyway his chances look alot better yet also worse than mine. At least he had the courage to make his feelings clear.. I don't even know how to say it. I can't even ask her out, because she's either really working or she doesn't want to go out. I'm beginning to suspect she really REALLY doesn't want to go into a relationship with anyone, or go out with any guy for that matter.. Just my luck, but it's okay with me. NS here I come.. anyway.

Body aching from gyming yesterday. Yet despite sleeping at 430 am last night, I'm kinda refreshed.

Abnormal symptoms.

Maybe I have found my inner peace LOL.

I've got so much to say, yet I can only write them down in words.. the power of speech can only bring one thus far; the messages that can be conveyed are so limited, so inadequate in expressing one's thoughts and feelings. When a being speaks to another, there is purpose.. Why must everything have a purpose? Why can't we just let things be the way they are, let them flow around like the ripples of water when you waddle in pool, like the air brushing past your cheeks when flying in the skies... there's always a cause and effect, the consequence of one's actions.. As long as one is in constant contact with the rest of the world, there will always be questions, always things we don't comprehend. In the never-ceasing search for knowledge, our thirst will never be quenched, our queries left buried for many a millennia to come.. things we think we think we want to know.

But actually, we don't.

You can argue that failure doesn't matter. One can fall down, and then stand up again. Wounds will heal by themselves, bruises and cuts are little sacrifices for the rewards one seeks.

But can you take the pain within?

It's one matter to be blissfully ignorant, and another to be totally imbecile. Stones better left unturned should remain the way they are.. we can spend the rest of our lives wondering.. just thinking of the possibilites, the endless roads which entwin our fate. The English created the word fate, then came up with another called destiny. Optimists scoff at the idea of anything being pre-destined. Your life, they say, is controlled by only one being in the world - yourself. I beg to differ. You can only control how things turn out if, and only if, the world revolves around you.. which unfortunately doesn't. One person is just one grain of sand on the beach, trodden on by masses of people everyday. Whether the wave washes away the sand depends on everything else but the sand itself. One can control his actions, but the extent in which his emotions can be bottled up doesn't stretch as far as my arm.. we can dream, we can push our imagination beyond anything we have seen in reality; we can believe. Believing lies which light up our lives and blind us from what we don't wish to see.

Dreams are like bubbles. They float in the air, sparkling, shining.. when you think you can actually touch them, they burst and disappear.

If you have to know, they will find you. Don't go seeking the facts which in your heart you know you fear the answer.. We think we can take the pain. We think alot of things. We challenge the skies, scale the highest mountains, stand strong against the torrents of rain.. yet it is our feelings that hurt us the most. In our innermost thoughts, we know this. No one has ever seen the Devil...

But we know he exists.
-

I just felt like writing that.. probably some wave of inspiration hit me. Or perhaps I really did see something I didn't want to see. Anyway just finished watching Racing-Real match, and trust me, Yossi Benayoun is one heck of a player.. vision, ball control and the all-so-rare trait - flair. Raul Bravo is a joker though...

Think I'll go practise on my flute.. yep I bought one from Taiwan and to my record I can already play Happy Birthday lol.. I won't stop until I master it. But I'm going to sleep now, so what the heck.

I miss dotA...

I was supposed to blog this yesterday, but somehow didn't bother to do so. Guess Taiwan really took alot out of me; I'm still kinda tired now, and there's like what? 3 weeks left before I leave the life as I have known it.. I had a list of things I wanted to do, and none of them are even halfway accomplished... never knew so much could happen in such a short space of time. Anyway been busy lately, so this is my first entry for 7 days. And yes, I'm totally bowled over by the fact that I'm in Singapore again.

Phooey. But actually, seriously...

I really should do a recap for Taiwan, yet everything seems so blurred now. The tall mountains seem shorter; the streets have lost their colour.. but I'll give it a shot.

Things got off to a bad start. This time I swear I thought I saw her at the airport, part of travelling party.. if I hadn't been talking to her for a few hours on friday night I might have really believed my retina-torn eyes. Long hair, dark and slender, even the height was similar. For the best part of the next 6 days the shock remained fresh... this sounds absurd, but unfortunately I don't lie on my blog. I can't even lie to myself without feeling remorseful. So that's life... Anyway, back to the tour. The guide was friendly; I have a natural distaste for naturally friendly people. And guess what? My group consists of, other than a guy slightly younger than me in age, and my brother alot younger in everything else, purely GIRLS. All wearing tight jeans, skin grappling shirts and sweaters. If I wasn't so shocked initially things could have been described as "looking up". I wish I was a pervert.. I wish I could switched targets as easily as I can lobang Leo, Salas and gang.. The rest of the people were either too old or too young to be of mentioned. So at about 7 am in the morning, I was on my way.

One point to note: I slept half the time I spent in Taiwan. I normally don't sleep much at home, with the computer, television, books etc.. Even the tour guide remarked more than once "Ta you sui le (-_-)"' "

The Taiwanese guide was really the highlight of the trip; his knowledge was amazing. Literature, geography, history, politics.. you name it, he might not have it, but I won't bet on it. Visited villages, old monumental places, mountains, places selling national treasures like lingzhi and lu tai (deer infant) .. he kinda knew everything. There was one part, where we were examining old religious relics, and he was explaining the theory of the classic Journey to the West. I never really thought about it this way; Sun Wukong represents man's thirst for freedom and the potential for dominance, yet it is controlled by nature, such as Wukong is tormented by the highest order.. Zhu Bajie of course takes the cake; he comprises of everything undesirable.. Sa Shen is described most exquisitely: he is a piece of white paper, untainted, untarnished by all the evils in the mortal world... After examining all the relics and bits of history, one somehow feels sad. Taiwan and China are one; brothers, linked by blood ties no one can sever. Even the tour guide kept referring to himself and his people as zhong guo ren, with that wistful look in his eyes. Guess no one actually knew Chiang Kai-shek insisted on his bones being buried in China.. even the founder of the rebel country feels the blood of a million Han people running in his veins; why can't these stupid politicians just shut up and sit in one corner?

I can't recall all the places covered, but I know the mountains were surreal. One thing is, the streets were damn clean.. everywhere I went, the people were kind and considerate... I know the mountain people was one attraction, and there was this feng shui thing. The stupid woman there said I could never inherit my father's house because of the differences in our.. whatever that is... so I guess my bro's the lucky ass. Marble factories, pearl farms, and alot of ancient temples. That's about it. I know I spent many hours watching NBA on ESPN in the hotels.. Magic are superb now, and Dwight Howard reminds me of a certain Chris Webber. Hill's back man.. wish T-Mac was here for the 1-2 punch, but Steve Francis is not too shabby either.

I went to Taiwan with prejudice and bitterness in my heart. Now I understand.. at least I think I do. We can burn all the flags we want, scream a thousand curses. Yet at the end of the day, our skin remains yellow.

The hotels were terrible for the first few days, yet gradually improved. On the other hand, the activities got worse and worse.. The weather was nice and cool though. A few of my friends told me the shopping in Taiwan was great, Ximending and stuff, but all I can say is.. the toufu sucks man. The glories of Ximending are over, now it's the 101 building. Someone actually told me to enjoy it there, but I'm not a girl.. Speaking of the opposite sex, the girls were fabulous though, chic and trendy.. my cousin was correct, man he IS a pervert lol.. if only that girl wasn't on the same trip, things might have been better off. As in turned out, she was damn irritating and attention getting, and during the train trip she kept kicking at my chair.. want my attention? Unfortunately, wrong girl. Haiz.

Bought alot of stuff for everyone, but since not meeting the class girls anymore I guess I'll just give to some people LOL.. purchased this jade pendant, and I can't decide who to give.. just thought I'll get it for the future, since you can't get it anywhere else other than the shop I visited, at least without burning a huge hole in your pocket. It's deep blue in colour, and shaped like a diamond. Interested girls please e-mail me at jiaxuan86@hotmail.com and I might consider HAHAHAH. Anyway, guess I'll find some opportunity to give it to someone special.. but now's not the time. Some scholar or some shit in Taiwan said something about fate; that in your heart you will know whether the time is ripe anot.. as my close friend said, it's not the time to burden her now; she's going to college, I'm going NS. Preserve the friendship and hopefully it will bear fruit some day.. I'll probably tell her when I leave, something I specially vowed not to do. Darn, it's like some sad movie, and I'm not the one laughing outside the TV set; I'm the loser lead actor. A scene would be like this:

-
He walks up to (insert name). Looks into her eyes. Deeply.

He says to her, "I have to go now, but there's something I wanted to say to you."

She looks at him questioningly. He hesitates. Then, he holds out a wrapped gift. She accepts it, yet the words remained unspoken.

He says:

"Fresh like the drops of morning dew, beautiful as the autumn sunset. Graceful as a deer in love, lingering as a virgin's first kiss. To me, you stand above them all. Long have I gazed at your shadow, yet I feel the reluctance in the air."

He pauses.

"Perhaps.. perhaps if fate decreeds, I'll see you again."

Like how it first began, he turns and runs off, leaving her with her mouth open in shock, yet a light of comprehension dawns in her eyes. Looking down at the little parcel in her hands, a few words are written:

"It's not really love. But it's close."
-

Produced, written and directed by Jx.

I had this dream in Taiwan, so real I thought I could actually smell the scent in the air. At her void deck, I actually confessed, and she accepted.. I woke up so happy, yet the darkness of the room consumed me.. I can still remember her mesmerizing smile, the shy blush when I said "I like you." and then she said "I like you too.."

"I like you too."

How can four words bring so much happiness yet so much pain?

My dog has never been happier though. He's behaving like a good dog since he got back, and that's just freaky. Maybe my cousin seduced him..

I think I shall continue tomorrow, since my fingers are itching for some serious gaming.. still got alot of stuff to write. And I better continue on my novel; its way behind schedule.. Maybe the vodka will help.

Funny how I can receive so many smses in Taiwan, yet feel so lonely now.

I just realised its December 10 already, which means roughly 15 days have past since I threw my pens away. Time doesn't just fly; it literally blasts off all rockets en route to Mach 10++.. Class chalet and prom night gone in a flash.. and my hair is still stiff from the hair wax. Now it's not about whether I want to do the things I want, but rather if time permits me. I have 3 weeks left to fulfil my goals.. wish I didn't have to go Taiwan, but that can't be helped now.

No idea whether prom was a success or failure. But one thing is, all the girls looked fabulous. After 2 years of seeing them in gray, hair tied back, prim expressions on their faces.. it was really a welcomed change. Leo and I used to have this rating system for all the girls we see (I can't reveal the exact details in case I get killed mysteriously on the street) on a scale of 10, and everyone was like plus 5, some more, very few less... Couldn't even recognise some of my peers; the transformation was almost magical.. anyway the atmosphere was great, the speaker's witty dialogue passable, the food okay.. and ya, the student council was fantastic; never thought I would appreciate juniors, but there you are. Afterwards I should have rushed off to the Mandarin hotel, but never thought people could take photos for so long.. should have tried, darn it, should have tried... I had 2 hours to go, and I never took it. Went lao ba sha to eat instead, and watched soccer while trying to get drunk on some rather diluted vodka.. My hair sucks by the way.. can't do anything about it...

Got home late the next morning and was immediately sent off to my cousin's place to settle my dog down. Was rather sad; he sorta knew we were going off, and by the way he was pawing at me, I supposed he thought we were leaving him for good.. had to watch him the whole night, coddle and cuddle him till he was contented.. then had a hard time getting out of the house this morning. What a life. I'm leaving for Taiwan in about 15 hours and I don't even have the time to sulk and cry.. thats cruel.

Be back in one week.. hopefully my thoughts will be settled by then.

K.. I sprayed my hair with 4 different colours. What a shocker.

Later is prom and I just woke up.. slept at 3 last night so feeling rather whoozy now. And darn, have to meet my mom to get my ATM card. Also have to go for hair cut, and I can't dye my hair, so what's up man.. Thankfully I can walk now.

I don't want to go.

I really don't want to go.

I really really don't want to go!

She's going with her friends. I'm going with my friends. Does that mean we are not friends? At least I won't get another stunt bolt for now.

Darn, throwing tantrum in the morning is hard work.. I have nothing left to complain about.

I was talking to Leo 2 days ago.. conversation without any general topic to focus on, just going on and on about life and stuff; our class people, his former class people, my former class people, relatives from both sides, soccer, dotA... sort of stumbled on this question of character flaw, which everyone knows exists but barely does anything about it. Mine was pretty obvious; I can't let go of things easily while getting depressed easily and giving up. Then we were talking about this classmate of ours who sort of left us because we had too many differences in the end.. maybe because he felt inferior? Or perhaps he needed the status of the omnipotent saviour, who has the power to save and help people, but no one can do the same to him. Some take longer then usual, but sooner or later one's got to realise that being human has wonderful properties, but being invincible isn't one of them. I don't really believe there is a chance we can be friends again. When a piece of wood is broken into two, you can't really fix it back.. splinters will be lost, chips here and there will be missing, and the final product is so weak it will easily fall apart again. So I guess.. this is it then.


Think I'm rather lucky actually.. my family from both my parents' sides are nice people. Now S13 knows where I get my wicked sense of humour from.. I'll probably get lamblasted for using the word wicked, so I'll throw in the word absurd for compromise... Darn, all my older cousins are gangsters-in-the-making, yet I'm the gangster-wannabe.

Swee Lee says he's the second best player in class. Salas emphasizes he's the best, though when sober he concedes the position to the same guy Qixian. Leo claims the most-effective-player award, but in terms of skill he's a distant place away. Everyone says Isaac, though ineffective to a shocking extent, has the skills second only to Qixian. However, when Qixian wants to win, who is always the first person he wants for his team? I guess I don't need to say anymore =P

Prom night is tomorrow, and I don't really want to go.. my foot is bandaged now, so even going to the loo is a chore of its own. How am I going to shift about? And more importantly, how am I going to crash the other JC's proms? Wait, I don't want to go AJ's one.. yet maybe I do. There, I'm confused again. Do I want to see her, so mesmerizing my heart aches, or just simply die of anticipation? More importantly, does she want to see me? Time is running out; after prom I leaving for Taiwan.. But one thing is, the S13 girls will look at least presentable for a change.. ya ya I know, I'll get a mirror and drown myself in dreams.. LOL

I'm back from class chalet, but I don't want to say anything about it.. because there are too many details here and there and I can't recall all of them, and since I don't like leaving anything out I might as well leave everything out.

Somehow my left foot is jinxed.. First it was the toe nail way back then. Next was the terrible calf muscle which hasn't healed yet. And now the skin of my sole is missing.. leaving one bloody patch of mess. And my class girls said I was trying to act sporty.. one of the rare times when I have absolutely nothing to say. I can't play soccer without injuring myself, and every day that passes takes my skill further and further away.. sometimes I think the first injury crippled me permanently.

Think I'm going for a hair dye. Purple nice? Opinions, anyone?

After gyming on tuesday, my muscles and bones ached like some quack carpenter tweaking wood the wrong way.. I couldn't really move my arms, bending was horrible, heck even swinging them was a nightmare. And guess what I did today? I went to swim! Vigorously! Such mighty exertions! Oh the joy; oh the PAIN!! Not only am I burnt now, I move like a robot.. sometimes I think my brain wasn't what it used to be. And I went to play lan.. getting used to this message huh?

To cap off this interesting day, I went to try out contacts for the first time today. Putting on contacts seemed so easy to me then.. I mean, my mom takes like a few seconds to put them in or pull them out, so... how hard can it get? In the end, it wasn't so bad.. just took me 40 mins to put in, and 20 to take them out. I nearly plucked out my eyeball during the eighth attempt, and when I stood up to leave, my arms couldn't bend back.. I've been to this optics shop for nearly 10 years now, and finally saw the boss of the shop. Just my luck for an embarassing situation to fall on me ya.. the auntie there whom I've known since I was 9 was understanding, yet at times I saw her trying to stifle a giggle here and there... One thing is, I shouldn't have gone gaming; now my eyes are seriously sore.

Blog was down last night, so I couldn't post anything.. I'm just glad to say the beng didn't win, though I'm not exactly ecstatic about a ... representing Singapore. But hey, Taufik can sing, you gotta hand it to him. Super talented guy who can sing almost any song, and perform well too. At least we'll be well represented.

I've vowed never to be in-betweens again.. not only am I called a betrayer by one side, the other side doesn't even care. So much for gratitude (this applies for both sides).

By the way, I was contemplating deleting the previous blogs, because I kinda forgot people are reading these entries.. but right now my arms are stuck, I can't move them anymore. So I guess I'll just post this entry and hope the rest disappears mysteriously by themselves.. and ya, I think depressing posts are sad too, so I'll try and liven things up. Hard though.