I juzt woke up due to a nightmare and I can't go back to sleep.. it's just too darn hot. You can actually feel the heat waves coming in from everywhere, and as your body cannot release the excess rise of temperature internally, it sort of accumulates. I feel like a hot water bottle right now.

Whole body is aching at this moment, especially the back. I don't think I'll ever pass IPPT this way, what with so many injuries.. a recourse looks on the cards. Wonder if the MPMSI wants people who have recurring injuries.. they are the military intelligence right? Means I'll get to handle highly-classified files and be snobbish about it. Wonder what would happen if I blogged all the data here... but seriously, I hope I can get in this vocation. Sounds exciting, and more importantly promises the prospect of a 9-5 job. There's this officer who told my SIT test detail not to go for a desk job.. according to him, I quote: ".. anyway you have to be in NS for two years. Do you want to spend the time doing a monotone job, or have fun outfield and actually learning something in the process? Also, what are you going to tell your girlfriend(s) and children next time? That you were a clerk *laughs* in the officer doing FILING?"

.. seriously, poll here. Who wants to suffer in NS when you can go home everyday? Honestly. Put aside your manly pride and gung-ho nature, and tell the truth for once.

*Silence*

There you go.

My "intellectual" argument with Teck was more than what I described in my previous entry. Now that I can recall it, the points argued were a little more complex than just plain religion vs science.. can't really comprehend why people take religion so seriously. I know since I'm a free thinker, I should just sit my corner and put a finger on my mouth, because I'll never attain any sort of "blessed enlightenment". The possibilty of me saying "God is with me" is close to nil, because I'm so prejudiced and and not "pure enough" what others "understand". Rather irritating sometimes because I've seen really nasty church people, and if you haven't noticed, more than half the convicts in this world worship some religion.

I've said this to Victor, Jiehui and now Teck.. although there is no concrete basis for the concepts of religion, there's also no major proof that religion is untrue either. I'm just stating my view, because 1)I'm a cynical sadist and 2)I don't give a shit about other's opinion. You can't really be so convinced about something you haven't seen, unless you will youself to believe, which in my opinion, is absolutely pointless. Like, there are always your parents to worship, because they are the ones whom you know truly love and protect you.. people like your grandparents watch over you, either physically or spiritually. I'm not saying loving Him is wrong. But if you say you love God more than your parents and kin, and that He loves you equally, I think that's just plain ungrateful.. I really detest the part where sinned people go up to the priest, confess and then the priest waves his hands and says "you're cleansed". Does that mean if we commit murder or rape and we feel some guilt, we are actually good people who can be saved? It's so illogical.. having a conscience is nothing to be proud of; it's listening to it and following the guidelines that matter.

As always, I stay by my stand that religion was used to cover up our ignorance. Many people will point out many unexplained things, and demand a plausible answer.. but the thing is, our ancestors screamed at lightning and burnt doctors on stakes. I'm sure as small, innocent children we used to see our teachers as a source of untouchable power, gorgons and gargatuans capable of passing evil verdicts with unquestioned authority.. now, even if the punishment dealt by my sergeant in NS is justified, I can still complain and burn his ass. I can sue the pants off any teacher who touches me. What we don't understand now does not mean it will stay an engima forever..

For close to 30 mins Teck tried to convince me regarding his view points. According to him, there is some goodness in this world.. there are people who actually care for others more for themselves. There is a small minority that harbours no evil thought.

I came out with this concept some time ago.. pure people are like white plain pieces of paper, so bright and untarnished. Evil people naturally are the the charcoal paper.. have you ever noticed it's much harder to turn the black paper into white then vice versa? The thing is, we as highly intelligent animals, are in contact with so many others constantly.. it's impossible to be prevent being stained.

Lastly, I too personally disagree with the Marxist theory.. but instead, why not take a look at the theories H G Wells brought up? Human evolution has only thus progress so far due to conflict.. if not for the wars fought and struggles for power, technology would never have progressed to this level.. the only reason why other animals have remained the way they are is probably because they don't see the need for fighting, at least on a larger scale. Normally it's the thirst for survival which provides the propelling force for advancement. Hence, technically it's impossible for us to ever have peace with each other.. sorry Teck, but that's just the way things are. This debate will never end, because there's no issue in the first place at all...

Saw Qixian the other day, and his confidence seems to have shrunked. The whole Ninja company has been confined for 3 weeks, and there's more to come.. wonder how Jing Yin and Jin Hui are doing.

Coming back later.. been blogging for 2 hours now, and I need to sleep..

I was writing along nicely.. and my moniter blacked out. AGAIN.

What a waste. I'm already damn tired as it is.. what with SIT test and Leopard company, and some other problems here and there. I was complaining and kaobei-ing beautifully, about round-abouts in life and stuff. But I guess now I'll cut straight to the point. Jumping here and there is akin to the issue I want to address.. there's no continuity at all.

I can't say it's a bad thing, because things somehow turn out better. I just want to emphasize the torturous start, the very beginning when one tries to settle in.. I know we never know what the end of the road holds, but I'm rather sick of that exact moment. Some stabilty would be nice. Like sometimes I wonder why I can't have the same classes in upper primary and secondary. Or same school.. must always go one big round.

SIT test with Leopard company was hilarious.. their OC night was totally unplanned, so to spice up the evening they had to call upon us. We sang a song with their OC and garnered applause from all four corners of the training shed.. but it felt weird. We were strangers in a rival company, with only that slacker Shaiful as a sergeant "looking" after us. Leopard is damn slack; they make Scorpion look so terrible. Can you imagine a NS company not doing any push-ups for 3 whole days? That's totally absurd.. the sergeants actually have to ask them to wake up 10+ minutes after the actual timing. If it was us we'll never see civilian life again. As for echoing intructions, the seven of us from Scorpion and Whisky can actually shout louder than the entire company.. and the officers STILL don't punish them. Me and Teck Beng were like "wtf?" constantly throughout the 3 days.. I don't think we'll ever get used to Scorpion again. But one thing is, Scorpion is definitely more welfare. Leopard sergeants don't really care for them, they just don't bother all..

Okay, so the round-about came good again. By missing my own SIT test, I got to slack for a few days. The SIT test didn't go well for me, because everyone, especially two *insert vulgar word here*s who tried to do everything, and shouted so loud no one else could speak. Bet the sir gave them high marks, so I guess I've lost faith in the army. Luckily by some freak chance I got Jieli and Aaron in my detail, as well as some very nice people. Sort of made up a bit.. but I really want to know now: is a good commander one who talks alot, or does alot? I guess it'a all a myth. The guy in my detail, Josiah, was a good leader, calm and rational, as well as a good planner.. but I think he too was overwelmed by the two wayang gu niangs.. I really can't stand people who act.. you can see one of them talk and shout, and at the same time glancing at the assessor. So farking obvious.. they should FAIL for interrupting the ICs.. and be spanked too.

I guess I know why Warren Liaw refused to let me take SIT test. It's damn physically taxing.. sprinting from one station to the other with SBO and rifle, not to mention a heavy, almost redundant helmet on your already pespiring head.. carrying the stretcher with my detail mate on top almost killed me.

Somehow our mini-company broke up.. just couldn't stand Jonathan's attitude problem anymore. So whatever comrade-ship we forged is now gone. At least Teck Beng is still there. Zhe Yuan and Gideon too.. always thought after what we've been through we would be united. But guess some people only think about themselves.

Had this huge debate with Seng Teck the other day.. he and I are selected for military intel, which I will try my best to get in, but I digress.. he was arguing about goodness existing in this world, while I was trying to defend my cynical outlook on life. Then somehow again religion came into the discussion, which I absolutely detest. How many times must I stress that religion is a farce? There could be a higher power up there, but turning to prayers is not a solution, neither does it explain anything we can't solve.. Speaking of Teck, I just realised how much I miss my section now. And there are barely 10 days left.. why is it always this way.

My third kor picked a fight, then tried to suicide. Haiz. I know girls might beg to differ, but the power you females hold over us, especially at this age, is overwelming. All my 3 kors have already kena-ed.. the whole family is watching me anxiously.. and looking at things so far, I think it's inevitable.

Like a fire balloon, the centre bursts into flames, floats up to the sky a glowing ball of fire.. then the wind blows the fire out, and the baloon lands on the ground, dead and unmoving, till someone lights it again..

There's only one matchstick, and it's not in my hand.

I really cannot take it anymore.. maybe wake up earlier tomorrow to continue.

Going back in.. now I guess.

I don't want to go back to camp.

But sometimes, we have to do things we don't want to.

That's life.

Woke up reluctantly this morning to find myself back at home.. also with the nagging thought at the back of my head that today is book-in day.

I don't know why. Ever since I got back yesterday, it's been like a dream all the way.. I don't feel real anymore; I can hear my voice speaking to my parents, yet I don't recall even having a part in shaping the contents of my own conversations. Even as I'm writing this, my mind seems devoid of emotion.. Didn't bother about breakfast, thinkI'll be skipping lunch.

Is that what NS does to you? Strip you of any humane feelings once present in your heart, and bury it in the deepest part of the ocean.. make laughter seem like a sin, and joy the forbidden fruit, once abundant but now disappeared from the face of this Earth... makes you begin to wonder the various reasons why grown-ups always stress "enjoy you youth" and "studying is the most happy time of your life".. and the sudden realisation that came too late. The acceptance of the fact that life is a bed of roses; the thorns prick and tear at your bare soles, and if you wear something else to protect your tender feet, all that will be left behind are damaged petals and dead flowers.. either way one party has to get hurt.

I got this song from her blog.. something like being a "big big girl in this big big world, and it's not a big big thing if you leave me".. remembered I used to condemn the lyrics, and I still do. Just thinking of the road ahead in life, now that we are all adults. Nothing remains constant but change, and so far we've been like earthworms, making tunnels in the soft earth, wiggling about in unsurpassed joy, protected by the layer of soil above us.. and now some greater force has removed our blanket of protection, blinding us with the intense light, our bodies writhing in the unbearable heat, screaming in agony.. and all of a sudden it's dark, and our charred bodies are now frozen in the night, so numb the pain has faded away... with the dagger buried deep in the heart, the fact that no one can save us.. once there was my mother to shield me from the dangers that lay ahead; now I know she can't protect me anymore.. I'm on my own. I want to be brave, I want to be strong.. but inside..

I feel so small inside. So weak and helpless.. like a stranded sailor clinging on piece of wood, paddling against the huge, monstrous looking tides that threaten to sweep him away...

Remembered that time I was sitting in the corner of the tonnel.. so dark and gloomy.. the floor was wet, and there was no one I could talk to.. just tried to hold on to my seat as the street lamps flashed past, momentarily lighting up the empty road, where I could see the sudden flashes of sharp rocks and jagged stones. Then I was singing this song my mother used to teach me when I was little.. I couldn't remember the words exactly, but whistle the tune I could.. it was like a few soulful notes floating towards the velvet sky...

Setbacks might make one stronger.. but every time they take some part of you away. All that nonsense about not being to either create matter and destroy matter is true.. there's no such thing as a free gift. To be tougher, one has to shed emotion and remove compassion..

You know the saying that everyone has a soft inside? I beg to differ. Everyone is made of stone internally, some a little stronger, some a little less refined.. it just takes time to remove the outer tissue and reveal what we truly are inside. We are inborn with survival instincts; we were not meant to be human anyway.

It looked the beginning of a nightmare week.. strong pole position for the worst week in BMT.. even challenging the infamous "adapting" first phase. After the highs of New Year and Valentine, it seemed like a sudden bungee jump experience, only that the rope wasn't elastic. I stayed low in mid-air, feet waving desperately in the air, blood rushing to my head.. everything suddenly spinning around.. then I blacked out. I knew subconsciously I was awake; yet no matter how loud I yelled, it seemed no one could hear me..

It's that feeling.. you have when probably around three years old, you are all alone at home sleeping. Then you suddenly wake up in a dark room, no Mom, no Pa to take care of you.. you are afraid of the black sheet that threatens to wrap over your little head. The wails and screams are stuck in your throat, because you know no one can come to your aid, and there could be monsters lurking in every corner. You are by yourself.. the same feeling when as a teenager, a quarrel with you parents see you wandering about, outside in the nearby park.. you see the shadows flickering in the light of the street lamps, drunkards yelling in the distance, the sweet murmurings of lovers nearby.. you feel lonely, so cold as the evening breeze brushes past your cheek...

Then, you begin to think about your past.. the sweet memories, the bitter pills you had to swallow when you were young and foolish. Regret is something we can do without, yet we cannot totally prevent it from overcoming our senses. In your little corner, you hug your knees, hoping and searching for the warmth only hope and happiness can bring..

My descriptive writing has gone from bad to worse, but I guess that sort of sums up my first day of SIT test. Didn't take it, because the MO strictly forbade me from going, citing my bad back as an important reason.. in any case I did all the dirty work for all three days, without anything in return except probably valuable experience.

Thankfully there's the rainbow at the end of the rainstorm.. that is, if you don't walk closer and find out it's nothing but shades of colour that inevitably disappear...

I mean, missing SIT test is bad enough. Doing with your company people already gives rise to alot of complications, because of the huge, or rather lack of communication between the various platoons. Plus, there's the element of rivalry.. we don't like platoon 4, and platoon 1 doesn't like anyone. Platoon 2 pumps so much they glare at everyone.. Now, imagine doing SIT test with a rival COMPANY. The one you always challenge on Games Day. Or drill comp. Let's put it as vying for the throne of best company in school 2. All the Leopards glaring at you Scorpions.. hell, even marching songs are Leopard's, and you have to hold company's pride and not sing along, much their chagrin.. probably one can imagine me standing lost and forlorn, gazing at the platoons marching off in the distance, leaving only the clouds of dust in their wake.

I described my feelings the best I could earlier.. guess there's no need to re-elaborate. I carried jerry cans until my arms nearly broke, my back bent till I could no longer walk properly.. constantly withstanding the waves and waves of abuse raining from various sergeants.. the scornful looks of the guys I once called brothers.. picking trash, packing food and sweeping the floors.. sitting in the unstable tonnels and thrown about like a ragged doll.. no one to talk to, no friendly face in sight. Sleeping in camp though one is excused.. That was my first day.

The OC night performance was hilarious.. sort of lifted my spirits for a moment, especially the Miss Scorpion; Meng looked like a total freak.. but I'm not sure why I always land with the slow people.. for example this time, I was told by PC and PS to look after this fellow platoon mate of mine, who had already missed 5 weeks out of the 6 we had so far. Another.. haiz.. but at least this one was willing to learn. I nearly died teaching him all the stuff we had learnt, plus he was the slow type. To tell the truth it was hard on Zhe Yuan, but I had to be firm with him; army's not the place to play about. He had to know how to be fast and alert, two skills I found impossible to teach. In the end Zy had to take some verbal abuse from PS.. speaking of verbal abuse, I think the reason why sergeants scold us and push us around, is probably because their own superiors tortured them.. and so the viscious cycle continues.. Heard the reservist officers gave the sergeants a lambasting. But I digress.

I want to go OCS. I need to become an officer so I can pump them till their arms break.. but I guess it's good for us anyway. I'll just kick Chua that faggot storeman.. Found quartermaster Sergeant Irwan to be a really nice guy, but seriously that storeman is nothing but a loser.. smoker plus boot-licker and gay.. no wonder Jon and me were pissed with him. Yea, got to know Jon and Bryan after day 2, and it got a little better then. Then in came De Ming, plus at company line there were the OOTs, people who dropped out of course because of certain injuries and illnesses like Hanwen and Yunxiao. Yea, it got better then, but we were still treated like dirt, referred to as the "sick people." Haiz. Rubbish guys. Saikang warriors. Do everything except training.. Wonder what sense that makes.

I think a positive mindset is important.. pity I don't have one. And it's heard to find in the dark.. someone lend me a torch with a usable battery please.

Despite being on the receiving end of many commands and orders, one could see it as an eye-opening experience.. I got to see how the company was run, what the background staff.. after seeing the people at company line use water like.. water, you wonder why Singapore frequently complains about wastage. And why people in Africa must starve. As Huey, the other nice storeman who came back only today, said, looking at them dispose of food rations is enough to make anyone sick. I think I've thrown away like a close to a hundred packets of food, all untouched and looking tasty, yet the sergeants demand the same amount of food everyday even though they don't eat it. We had to pack and carry the loads of food down to the campsite.. only for them to waste everything a few hours later. Haiz. Spend so much budget on defense, yet the money is probably going down the drain. They rather throw the food than give us recruits.. and we have to carry ice so they can enjoy a nice cold drink. Where's the fairness?

Felt like a slave. Bet my other chums felt the same.

At least we're going to be in the same detail next week.. the guys are nice people, so I think we have an advantage over others. Also, the Leopard sergeants don't know us, hence it's possible we could benefit as compared to my platoon mates.. since the sergeants know all their bad habits and stuff, guess they had already evaluated even before the actual testing. So.. maybe things are looking up.

PC made me carry my rifle about for 3 days. My back's aching.. must be a purpose for wanting me to carry it about ya? But right now I can't think of any..

Seriously, there's alot more than what I just mentioned. But as always, bookout usually means I'm damn tired. So I can't really remember so clearly.. can't refer to my journal, because there's simply too much words there. All I can say is, I think we worked harder than those peeps in SIT test. And they get to book out on friday next week; we book out late sat. Things have been so bad I feel numb about it..

Have to do assessing of superiors by tomorrow. What a waste of time.. if they think we are going to praise them indefinitely, I shall happily spit in their faces.. maybe platoon 3 staff is quite nice; I can't say the same for the other platoons. 2 IC is like an uncle or even a fatherly figure.. OC is different.

Like always, might fill up some gaps I left behind tonight.. now time for some dotA. Met this clan guy Wilson of platoon 4, and he said his clan was 2nd in Singapore.. if I beat him I'll be the next best then lol.. yea, dreaming already, like I always dream of her. So much for lunch or dinner; my weekends are officially gone.

I normally refrain from sprouting vulgarities.. but this time FUCK it man.

Got the shock of my life when Scorpion COS called to say that my dear buddy could not be reached, and could I please take his place for guard duty.

..WTF?

Yea, and next time everytime that cheap shit gets any punishment, I as a buddy would have to serve it too. That means, knowing that goon, I'll lose all my weekends for the rest of BMT.. that's damn sad la. I can't even meet her next weekend due to late bookout, and you wanna strip away whatever chances I have left?

Please, if there is someone up there, please don't let it be this way.. not now.. after so much time and effort please not now...

I'll make sure I kick his ass when I get back.. lucky I had a doctor's appointment or I'll be holding a shield and a baton now. Booking in at 9 at night was the best thing that could have happened. Seriously, I'm now regretting rejecting the atten C for 1 week.. imagine one whole week slacking at home. So many things to do.. but missing the Situation Test would be a killer. So I'll just have to make do with an X-ray when I reach Tekong. What with inflammation and this thoracolunlar spine injury I can expect to miss a whole lot of training.. that's not good.

Won't be out for another week.. hope my back holds up till then.

Last night was a dream.. time to wake up and move on.

First date, somemore valentine.. wasn't too bad at all. Went better than anticipated.. no fancy stuff, no long dinner. No long expressions or anything; too tired now. But yea, feels all right sia..

Anyway, thanks to Jing Yin and Sihui for their assistance today, or is it yesterday? Really appreciate your patience. Also to friends like S13 class girls and some other chums (you know who you are).

Ya ya I know I went one big round the whole shopping complex and stuff.. and it was the first shop I saw. Nervous can?

No details nor elaboration because they are PRIVATE.. and also because I'm just going to sleep after three hours' rest in the last forty-eight. No more dotA please.. although somehow me and Salas form a potent tact-team combination.. I have no idea why. Jing Yin is above average, Taffy shd be above average, and Kang Yu is a good team player. Can anyone explain how we beat them? It's the second time now, plus their heroes were good; Gorgon, Chaos Knight and Omniknight. And they didn't play too badly, especially Jy.. somehow we just know what each other is thinking. The funny thing is, we spend most of the time kb-ing each other.. yet even though I like Pingyong as a team partner, somehow we can't click as well.

Strange. But who cares.. think it's just me who's pro lol =D

Watched Constantine a second time.. wasn't as good as the first, but had to accompany Jy and Ky anyway. So no complains.. not much anyway.

Maybe there's a chance after all.. even if there isn't, I think I'll just be contented with the way things are. There's this inner glow inside now.. Lol, blogging came up in the conversation again.. can't reveal my blog address.. I will probably delete everything on my blog, smash her moniter and kill myself before I give it to her.

That sounds familiar. Almost as if I said it before..

She told me she placed the bear I gave her last April on her study table..


I've seen the bluest skies,
rainbows that will make u cry
I've seen miracles move my soul,
days that change my life
i've seen the brightest stars,
shine like diamonds in the dark
Seen all the wonders of this world,
but i've never seen a smile
as beautiful as yours
~

Judging by the time now, I'm most probably going to be late for meeting with Taffy, Salas and friends. Going to lan huh? Taffy has been boasting about killing newbies lately.. time to take him down a notch or two.

In fact, I was early for yesterday's outing with Vic, Johnson and Weixun, even though I had to see the doctor for back injury.. he sucked out nearly one small bottle full of black blood sia, using this mean looking tube, and it hurt like hell. Seriously, the burning sensation was like some evil creature sinking it's teeth down hard, breaking the skin and tearing the flesh. Still need to see another medical expert on Sun, which means technically no IPPT for me on Mon. Sad.

Speaking of Hell, Constantine is not exactly a must-see movie. But I liked it. It was nice to see how a man is protrayed battling the demons inside and around him.. how rejection and condemnation can ruin someone with weak character. Probably most people feel that the director tried to make Keanu Reeves a little too cool, but to me it was more of emotionally detached than anything else. There's this subtle difference between poser and heck-care.. okay, I can't really find the appropriate words, but you get the idea.. To gain redemption by sending demons back to hell doesn't pave way for a really deep plot, one that can your brain whirling into intellectual frenzy.. but one can instead try and shed a tear for Mr Constantine, for he shows us what we really are inside.

Hey I'm no angel myself.. you think I do those things for others because I want to HELP people? Actually I'm a scheming creep.. I do those things so that you all will like me, so that favours can be taken and returned. Backstabs are necessary in order to achieve my aims. I do things supposedly unconditionally for her, but in truth I desire nothing but her looks and attraction.. My secret ambition is to rule the World and make all men my slaves... women included.

With that long confession, I feel cleansed. Nothing like reading and watching religious stuff in three days.

No la, actually I'm a nice guy. Just take my word for it.

Last night's birthday bash for my grandma was great.. all my cousins turned out in full force, and man were they a jolly lot. It was at some singing lounge, and everyone was laughing and squealing at the funny antics of my three oldest cousins.. But seriously, my oldest jie can sing. Her voice is surprisingly sweet and mellow in spite of her addiction to alcohol and cigarettes.. same goes for the no. 2 in the family. Two ear rings in one ear, who would have thought he would turn out like that? But they are all my older brothers and sisters, so I love them all the same. Ah por looked happy haha, and the years seemed to fade away, as we were singing, laughing, dancing...

For the second time in two days, a girl told me she would be touched by my persistence. All I can say is, you are not her unfortunately, so telling me that is useless.. meeting her later around 10 pm, maybe grab some supper and then send her home.. before walking back. That's the best part; other guys sending girls home always complain about the long, lonely journey back to their houses.. I just walk across the road. Is she going to cold-shoulder me, or just act happy, or just normally like the friends we really are. I just have to remain rational, to constantly remind myself that love is just a game, and at our age nothing more than a breeze in the night.

Whoever reads this, wish me luck for later. I'm running late..

Got this feeling she is reading my blog. But feelings are nothing but the figment of our imagination..

Feels abit weird, blogging about what happened yesterday, especially since yesterday was 4 mins ago. But no matter.. it was routine stuff anyway.

Relatives come my house to bai nian, then go my paternal grandma's house, then to my grandaunt's, then to my granduncle's.. it happens the same way every year. Except this year I'm in NS, which of course gives ammo to the older ones.. I can't complain too much anyway, since they are doing it out of concern and nothing else. Haven't exactly counted my money yet, and I don't intend to.

Was slacking comfortably on the couch when it suddenly strucked me that I was supposed to be at City Hall Interchange by 7.. for some mini class gathering which some people didn't even bother to turn up. Jael, Huiling, Serene, Baofei and her sis, Weiwei, plus Reubs, me and Taffy. What a great turn-out. So much for SJI class spirit.. Surprisingly it was quite okay. Talked quite abit en route to the funfair, and Taffy wasted five bucks just to win a colouring set.

Well, 5/350 isn't so bad. I wasted four bucks on the girls lol.

I don't really like fireworks. Personally I detest loud sounds and bright colours.. but squirming in front of everyone wasn't an ideal solution.

The chocolate at Pacific nearly killed me.. couldn't talk properly for more than five seconds. But somehow it was nice to see the girls again. Kinda miss their aunty talk, and the way they bitch about everything under the sun.. still remembered how revolted I was last year, yet now it seems all so distant. Things will never be the way they used to be, and neither will we don the grey uniform again. Felt funny being an adult for the first time, and financially vulnerable at the amount of train fare..

"Surreal" was the wrong word. Shocking would be a more apt descriptive.. followed by stunned, and then skepticism. I sense something afoot somehow.. she's been playing this game with me for the past year..

I am running, chasing her, and she's always ahead of me. Sometimes I have a sudden burst of speed, rapidly gaining ground on her.. she turns around and smiles wickedly, daring me to go forward. Yet when I can almost touch her shoulder, she disappears. I fall down, rolling in a heap.. Again.

I jump up and spin around, like always, searching for her shadow, though in my heart I know I will never find it close to mine. Then, she appears, some distance in front of me. I can see her teeth, shining playfully in a grin that is so agonisingly teasing..

Wearily, I take a deep breath, and the chase continues...

So much for thinking what flowers to buy. Or even giving her the jade pendant.

If the attempt fails this time, I shall remain on my knees..

My first ever New Year post! And I'm late sia.. by 3 hrs.

New Year wishes lining up now! I've got so many, I don't know which to choose actually.. given up on my A lvls; I can't change buddy in NS. So whats new? In normal circumstances maybe something associated with her, but that came earlier than expected, so no need.. unless another last-minute stuck up's in store.

I want to seriously believe what Andy said.. or for that matter what some of my female friends are saying. I really really hope its true. All signs point that way.. but I shall remain pessimistic and cynical.. thats the way to prevent fatal disappointment.

Resolutions? I've got none. But seriously I would like my picasa to start working.. got photos to upload man.

Happy New Year to everyone!

Except that asshole, and that fag, and also that loser... the list goes on.

I realise that I just booked in less than 48 hours ago, and now I'm back at home. Either yesterday was too slack (it wasn't) or I've gotten used to army life (I hate NS)..

The whole platoon was shocked to the core when we saw Meng 40 mins early for the bus ride.. imagine our faces when he volunteered for the first duty available. Was this a new Meng? Had we wronged the dear fellow who, with his remarkable prelim grades ( a few As here and there), had been labelled the "brainy" one.. Everyone was ecstatic about the transformatio; it was so unreal. I prepared myself to be laughed off as a villian who had victimised this potential-platoon-commander-cum-commando-cum-whatevershit in the making.. Only me and Jeff and probably one or two of my section mates were skeptical. Yet, as history shows, there is no room for the minority.

Alas, it was not to be.

Luckily we were not throwing live grenades yesterday. At least I can enjoy my 18th New Year in one piece.. I mean, which asshole will say a grenade has a damage radius of FOUR metres? That's like throwing Jieli's self-made concoction from the chem lab..

My back's acting up.. I couldn't do SOC.. maybe I need to go see a physio soon. I've been gorging myself on mandarin oranges for the last few hours, including the ones PC gave me.. that's way too much for my cough; I'm expecting blood to spurt out any moment now. I'm also damn pissed because I can't upload my recently recovered photos, though I look grosteque without hair.

To cap off this 2 days with an explosion, and also because I have to go out now to buy my darn new clothes, something surreal just happened this morning, and I can't wait for the continuation man =D Elaboration? Nah, I'm too stunned. And its not because of New Year..

Now back at home, everything that happened in the past two weeks seems like a dream. Not exactly a nightmare, but neither can it be considered anything close to sweet.

Today marks the 47th anniversary of the Munich tragedy, when Manchester United lost nearly their entire team. Read the article in the papers today, and I must admit I felt tears well up in my eyes.. who would have thought that after so much incidents, Man Utd would rise up 10 years later and realise their dreams. The 1999 triumph was sweet, but I feel that nothing beats the 1968 European Cup. We love Beckham, Giggs and Keane, but alongside legends like Best, Charlton and Law, they pale in comparison.. I've been wondering since a few years ago what could have been if Duncan Edwards had survived.

Edwards makes Rooney look like a wimp.

With my mind more refreshed after a rest, some snippets have found their way back through my sea of thoughts.. insignificant to some extent, yet to me worth remembering.

Like for example, ever since a small spat over that faggot whose name I refuse to mention, Joshua and I have never really spoken or agreed on anything.. there's always this mental barrier, sort of the problems I encountered in my J1 life, when it starts out small, but enlarges everyday if one refuses to face it.. It was the fifth day of camp, and by coincidence Josh was feeling the urge to pee. Rather awkward at first, but the business at hand was too pressing.

As we were walking silently in the wrong direction, Josh suddenly said:

"Are you angry with me?"

Sometimes, its this direct method which works the best. We should settle it like men, instead of wayanging it till everything becomes complicated. Of course I said no, and then we went on to discuss the problem of The One..

Discussion in the dark is always the best. Some say that facial expressions are important in communication, but I personally disagree. To me, the most important thing is the topic at hand.. Also, if you haven't noticed, we can change our frowns and smiles with the greatest of ease. We can't, however, keep our feelings out of our voices. When angry, our voices are either louder, or cold and menacing.. it is impossible to prevent tremours from disrupting our tones when feeling sad or disappointed.. In the book Danny, the Champion of the World, Roald Dahl mentioned that you can only tell another's emotions through his eyes. Ever wondered why I detest people who perpetually smile all the time? Its all pirated, pure and simple.

Anyway, in the dark, we went the wrong direction, and were promptly caught by the warren officer, who was making a phone call.. being an Indian, can you blame us if we couldn't see him? I think he realised that, hence was rankled enough to actually bring up the issue during briefing. The almost exact words he used are:

"And also, I don't want to see you guys pee where you all are not supposed to pee! See that road over there? That is not your peeing area. Your peeing area is furthering on *points towards some direction vaguely* there, and there are red lights to show you the way. I don't want to see anyone doing it anywhere else, clear? Like two cuckoos I caught just now, going there! Clear?"

Blah blah blah.. Indians do talk alot.

Another time, about 10 hours later, PS and S Samuel were inspecting our near-perfectly dug fire trench, together with Warren Liaw, who had since taken a strong interest in the affairs of our section.. We had to use a huge shovel to smack the sand bags down at the side.. PS was looking on with great interest, and he cut in once or twice to correct us. When one of the last sand bags was ready to be hit, he took the shovel. We looked at him with expectant eyes.

To my horror, he turned to me and said:

"Ho. Take it."

I didn't have any choice, did I? So I wrought the evil looking tool with my tired fingers, and smacked down. Hard. PS kept telling me to hit harder, telling me to pretend it was my fiercest enemy and stuff.. of course I was trying my best, so I pretty much ignored him and concentrated on my task at hand.. until I heard something like this:

"Bad Meng! Bad Meng!"

I admit now that words can't describe everything. You need to be there.. it was hilarious. All of us were laughing so much our backs ached, and PS was saying "You didn't hear me say anything arh." Damn joker lol..

Later, when we finished the trench, S Samuel called Meng over and told him to get his arse inside the 1.5 metre deep hole, and squat down with his eyes closed.. the rest of us were stupified at his instructions, until when my far-from-dear buddy did exactly what he was told, S Samuel said with a wicked and rare grin on his face:

"The rest of you get your ET sticks and blades ready."

=D

Sadly, the prospect of confinement and court martial prevented us from commiting murder.

Its small little incidents like this which sort of livens up the camp.. tiny things which have little impact on the situations at hand, but are etched in one's memory forever.. like, I can never forget how S Samuel told us about his childhood enjoyments.. according to him, he frequently caught praying mantises and fed them with grasshoppers. When the mantis in his hand starts feeling totally happy and at ease while muching the head of the squirming grasshopper, my sergeant would cut of his head. Damn sadist sia.. I'll rather do without that kind of childhood.

Haiz, I'm booking in later, but not without first having dinner with my section mates.. wondering if I should ask her out for lunch during this break, especially since 14 Feb is coming up. Somehow I think she will agree, yet on the other hand I don't fancy my chances.. might the hint and smell of commitment be too strong? Was talking to my friend last night, and she said she thinks I'm in a good position. Why can't all girls think alike, so that I can have a gauge of what to expect? But speaking of that, my attitude has been suspect too; I fall asleep always in the middle of messaging. Wonder if she waited for my reply.. if she did I'm screwed. Somehow I'm always so livened up by her encouragements and teasing, though I felt a little pissed when she laughed at my meagre paycheck..

I'll try my luck. As PC always says, "If you ask, you might get it. If you don't ask, you'll never get it."

Another thing. I've been wanting to debate this for a while.. alot of people have been acting poser-ish and stating on their blogs that "its totally useless to put song lyrics on one's blog", and stuff like "its damn irritating", and worse still urging others not to follow what they call a "loser trend". Its times like this when I feel that vulgarities are too mild to convey what I have in mind.. if you like a song, you like the tune and the lyrics. Whats with the "if they're interested, they will look for the songs themselves"? Firstly, you do it for yourself, not for them. Secondly, can't you just make it more convenient for your visitors? Totally senseless arguments, and they don't sound cool at all..

Damn my back hurts. Hope it heals before New Year comes knocking on the door..

I was supposed to go into a long long description of the pains and horrors of field camp. But after this stupid computer crashed a few times and I lost the previous few drafts, I have decided to cut short.. just put it this way: field camp made the first 2 weeks of confinement seem like sipping a cup of diluted lemon tea without the lemon. Go figure. I'm just too pooped to give a war cry of victory or something like that.

As evil as I might seem to be, I'm glad this field camp exposed what an imbecile my dear loser buddy was. Platoon 3 thought I was kidding ya? Think again guys.. he went to Tekong by himself on a ferry, causing the whole platoon to wait 20 mins for him. When we reached he was in his underpants rummaging about as usual.. and he was the last to leave for night lecture.. there was this moment on the second night of field camp where there was a crowd around my tent, looking with round thunderstruck eyes at him packing his stuff with totally inhuman slow reactions.. something like watching a documentary of some freak of nature. I was laughing my guts out in the dark =)

The first week of the last two is not worthy of mention. The second could take a while.. just in case I forgot what happened, I kept some sort of a journal, but as usual I'm too lazy to take it out. So I'll have to rely on my weak, exhausted memory bank, if there's anything left at all.

K.. the camp got off to the worst start possible. Having tired ourselves out after another long, pointless road march, we had to build a bashar almost immediately.. as usual it was a Jx-one-man-show. At least that loser didn't get in my way nearly so much.. Jeff and Jinni were struggling with their own tents, and only came later to help. Can you imagine marching 8 km with a 15 kg load, an SBO and a solid rifle banging against you? Then sitting in the scorching sun doing another energy-consuming exercise? It pretty much killed me, and the rest of my section mates as well.. the first week wasn't exactly a bed of roses; we were all stiff and sore. After fixing up the pieces of groundsheet, we then had to dig a ankle-deep trench, just in case it rained.. if I'm not wrong, Meng dug roughly 1/20 of the trench, and that was because Platoon Sergeant Suhaimi and Sergeant Samuel were glaring at him..

So much for improvement.

The art of measuring range and judging distances was a hint of things to come. S Samuel was proving to be the sergeant we dreamt and hoped he was.. using his own logic to analyse things, and his refreshing way of inculcating swear words into normal-everyday language, we learnt more than we did under the other sergeants.. no offence, S Kenneth and S Derrick are both extremely nice cordial people, and PS Suhaimi is a rock with something softer inside. But seriously, we never learnt things so fast.. Guess what? Meng screwed up.

The 3 days and 2 nights sleeping in the bashar enacted by bashar sticks were torture.. it was lucky that fag had guard duty one night or I would have died, or worse still reported sick. Rifle drills, boring IFT (Individual Fieldcraft Training, or something like that) and the frequent pumpings.. haiz. The weather was consistent; not a sniff of cloud in the sky. Everyone's morale was dead low, except for Andrew's I think.. no offence, but I don't take to him as much as my other section mates or platoon mates do. I just don't like friendly people, or guys who try overtly to help and please.. I know he might be sincere and all that crap. But I just feel uneasy ya? Those who don't agree with me can go screw yourselves.

By the way, the rifle got more and more bothersome as the days went on..you even have to hug in while shitting in a shit hole, and shitting in hole is hard enough, especially in the dark. I got my dear M16 stolen close to the end.. and it was a bad experience. That stupid piece of metal gave me a lump on my back for my troubles too..

Moving camp after 3 days was another exhausting experience.. luckily the second type of bashar was easier to build. One long rope shared by two sets of buddies.. if only one set I would have collapsed on the spot.. as usual I tried tying the groundsheet myself, with PS and S Samuel looking at that weakling.. I was busy tying the rope, but I heard some part of what they were saying, and it was rather spastic:

Samuel: *looking at Meng and rolling his eyes at Suhaimi*

Suhaimi: "Hey Meng, you ever heard this song?

Meng: *stares blankly*

Suhaimi: *hums a tune*

Meng: *stares blankly*

Samuel: "That was Ducktales you ****..."

Suhaimi: "Okay, lets try again.. did ya know Donald Duck has three nephews called Huey Dewey anbd Louie?"

Meng: "Huh?"

Samuel: *looks flabbergasted*

~

I mean, what was that all about?

In advertisements and posters, they showing NS men crouching down in the grass, looking menacing with grass sticking out of their ears and nostrils.. I assure you its not nice at all. Especially if you land in a mimosa patch. Or an anthill.. I was proning down on the third day, and ants the size of a fully extended staple bullet were biting my hands.. I told S Samuel and he asked if I wanted to call the police. Seriously embarassing.. but come to think of it, if anyone say my hands now, they'll think I've been trying to commit suicide. Permanent scars man. As usual, Mr Dumbass cocked up. Not enough camou, not enough paint and a sucky attitude to boot.. yea, he got confinement. The first in our platoon. And he farking well deserves it.

The movement drills were hilarious.. and it got more exciting with the addition of blanks. Bullets which are minimal in attack but can still hurt, and they make live rounds sounds. I think I managed it pretty well, but thats because my team consisted of the solid Fariq and ever-dependable Jeff.. You should have seen Andrew's face after every excercise; the strain and effort in forcing his frustrations down. And he really thought he could change Meng.. I'm a sadist. Seriously. After Meng got up, citing his broken specs as a reason, he accidently fired a round at poor Andrew.. what a loser. Deny it somemore, even when we all scolded him. Then during the test for danger crossing, Andrew made all sort of funny sounds to get his attention in order to cross the danger point, but Meng ignored him lol.. S Samuel went red in the face sia... Jinni said he fell asleep in the grass waiting for his turn. If you saw his dulan face, its understandable why Bong took over in their group. I thank heaven for changing groups, which probably explains why I passed finally with no frills.

In fact I got top marks for the range tests =) but I think PS gave me generous marks.. he was talking to me the other day when I told him I was stressed. Told me that army was the place where you get to know many different people, and while it was fine to mix around with people of the same frequency, we need to associate and adapt to new people and surroundings.. and also to build up on my confidence. I couldn't help but feel relieved when he told me he knew I was doing my very best, and that he respected me for that.

PS is a nice guy. Thats why I want to win his respect. Felt so down when I lost my rifle, and it wasn't the punishment I was afraid of. It was the fact that I screwed up again, after promising to do better.. can't believe I actually sought respite from Andrew and Joshua, but I won't show weakness again.

I'm a racist generally.. and I still am. I'll just pretend PS is yellow or something.

There are many incidents along the way, including the super tiring day 6 digging trench.. dug a coffin- sized hole and it turned out to be full of crickets.. And the farking BIC. My back was injured, and I was caught by S Samuel in the process of chao kenging.. But seriously, crawling for some hundred metres is hell man. Especially when there are live rounds swishing pass your ears.. we cleared it without any major cock ups, but Meng took 30 mins lol.. wonder what he was doing there.. but why should I ask? I would have given a slight damn last time, but now he's not my problem anymore.

Who in his right mind will actually call Mam a warren officer anyway? In his whiny voice, he sounds like some retarded asshole.

When we were marching back, S Samuel gave us his version of que sara sara.. goes like this:

When I was just a chao recruit
I asked my sergeant
What would I be
Would I be PC
Would I be OC
Here's what he said to me

C C B recruit
You think you very funny
This is not your father's army
Knock it down for me

When I passed out of OCS
I saw my sergeant
He said to me
Good morning sir
How are you sir
Here's what I said to him

C C B sergeant
You think you very funny
I remember you tekan me
Do double for me

.. laugh until I cannot sing properly.

Cheers to platoon 4 for their new PS.. I feel the pain guys; he's a bastard through and through. Whoever heard of 3 guard duties for each individual recruit? You enjoyed your lives for a few weeks anyway. Lucky our sergeants are nice.

Messaging her since I got back from camp.. thats not normal. Something is very wrong, and I feel uneasy. Too cold not good; too friendly I scared.. I'm a man now damnit, and I'm still so humji. I never thought I'll talk to her like I talk to my close female friends; always treated her as someone special. Yet now it seems..

Hopefully I can tie up the loose ends later.. nap time for now.