It looked the beginning of a nightmare week.. strong pole position for the worst week in BMT.. even challenging the infamous "adapting" first phase. After the highs of New Year and Valentine, it seemed like a sudden bungee jump experience, only that the rope wasn't elastic. I stayed low in mid-air, feet waving desperately in the air, blood rushing to my head.. everything suddenly spinning around.. then I blacked out. I knew subconsciously I was awake; yet no matter how loud I yelled, it seemed no one could hear me..

It's that feeling.. you have when probably around three years old, you are all alone at home sleeping. Then you suddenly wake up in a dark room, no Mom, no Pa to take care of you.. you are afraid of the black sheet that threatens to wrap over your little head. The wails and screams are stuck in your throat, because you know no one can come to your aid, and there could be monsters lurking in every corner. You are by yourself.. the same feeling when as a teenager, a quarrel with you parents see you wandering about, outside in the nearby park.. you see the shadows flickering in the light of the street lamps, drunkards yelling in the distance, the sweet murmurings of lovers nearby.. you feel lonely, so cold as the evening breeze brushes past your cheek...

Then, you begin to think about your past.. the sweet memories, the bitter pills you had to swallow when you were young and foolish. Regret is something we can do without, yet we cannot totally prevent it from overcoming our senses. In your little corner, you hug your knees, hoping and searching for the warmth only hope and happiness can bring..

My descriptive writing has gone from bad to worse, but I guess that sort of sums up my first day of SIT test. Didn't take it, because the MO strictly forbade me from going, citing my bad back as an important reason.. in any case I did all the dirty work for all three days, without anything in return except probably valuable experience.

Thankfully there's the rainbow at the end of the rainstorm.. that is, if you don't walk closer and find out it's nothing but shades of colour that inevitably disappear...

I mean, missing SIT test is bad enough. Doing with your company people already gives rise to alot of complications, because of the huge, or rather lack of communication between the various platoons. Plus, there's the element of rivalry.. we don't like platoon 4, and platoon 1 doesn't like anyone. Platoon 2 pumps so much they glare at everyone.. Now, imagine doing SIT test with a rival COMPANY. The one you always challenge on Games Day. Or drill comp. Let's put it as vying for the throne of best company in school 2. All the Leopards glaring at you Scorpions.. hell, even marching songs are Leopard's, and you have to hold company's pride and not sing along, much their chagrin.. probably one can imagine me standing lost and forlorn, gazing at the platoons marching off in the distance, leaving only the clouds of dust in their wake.

I described my feelings the best I could earlier.. guess there's no need to re-elaborate. I carried jerry cans until my arms nearly broke, my back bent till I could no longer walk properly.. constantly withstanding the waves and waves of abuse raining from various sergeants.. the scornful looks of the guys I once called brothers.. picking trash, packing food and sweeping the floors.. sitting in the unstable tonnels and thrown about like a ragged doll.. no one to talk to, no friendly face in sight. Sleeping in camp though one is excused.. That was my first day.

The OC night performance was hilarious.. sort of lifted my spirits for a moment, especially the Miss Scorpion; Meng looked like a total freak.. but I'm not sure why I always land with the slow people.. for example this time, I was told by PC and PS to look after this fellow platoon mate of mine, who had already missed 5 weeks out of the 6 we had so far. Another.. haiz.. but at least this one was willing to learn. I nearly died teaching him all the stuff we had learnt, plus he was the slow type. To tell the truth it was hard on Zhe Yuan, but I had to be firm with him; army's not the place to play about. He had to know how to be fast and alert, two skills I found impossible to teach. In the end Zy had to take some verbal abuse from PS.. speaking of verbal abuse, I think the reason why sergeants scold us and push us around, is probably because their own superiors tortured them.. and so the viscious cycle continues.. Heard the reservist officers gave the sergeants a lambasting. But I digress.

I want to go OCS. I need to become an officer so I can pump them till their arms break.. but I guess it's good for us anyway. I'll just kick Chua that faggot storeman.. Found quartermaster Sergeant Irwan to be a really nice guy, but seriously that storeman is nothing but a loser.. smoker plus boot-licker and gay.. no wonder Jon and me were pissed with him. Yea, got to know Jon and Bryan after day 2, and it got a little better then. Then in came De Ming, plus at company line there were the OOTs, people who dropped out of course because of certain injuries and illnesses like Hanwen and Yunxiao. Yea, it got better then, but we were still treated like dirt, referred to as the "sick people." Haiz. Rubbish guys. Saikang warriors. Do everything except training.. Wonder what sense that makes.

I think a positive mindset is important.. pity I don't have one. And it's heard to find in the dark.. someone lend me a torch with a usable battery please.

Despite being on the receiving end of many commands and orders, one could see it as an eye-opening experience.. I got to see how the company was run, what the background staff.. after seeing the people at company line use water like.. water, you wonder why Singapore frequently complains about wastage. And why people in Africa must starve. As Huey, the other nice storeman who came back only today, said, looking at them dispose of food rations is enough to make anyone sick. I think I've thrown away like a close to a hundred packets of food, all untouched and looking tasty, yet the sergeants demand the same amount of food everyday even though they don't eat it. We had to pack and carry the loads of food down to the campsite.. only for them to waste everything a few hours later. Haiz. Spend so much budget on defense, yet the money is probably going down the drain. They rather throw the food than give us recruits.. and we have to carry ice so they can enjoy a nice cold drink. Where's the fairness?

Felt like a slave. Bet my other chums felt the same.

At least we're going to be in the same detail next week.. the guys are nice people, so I think we have an advantage over others. Also, the Leopard sergeants don't know us, hence it's possible we could benefit as compared to my platoon mates.. since the sergeants know all their bad habits and stuff, guess they had already evaluated even before the actual testing. So.. maybe things are looking up.

PC made me carry my rifle about for 3 days. My back's aching.. must be a purpose for wanting me to carry it about ya? But right now I can't think of any..

Seriously, there's alot more than what I just mentioned. But as always, bookout usually means I'm damn tired. So I can't really remember so clearly.. can't refer to my journal, because there's simply too much words there. All I can say is, I think we worked harder than those peeps in SIT test. And they get to book out on friday next week; we book out late sat. Things have been so bad I feel numb about it..

Have to do assessing of superiors by tomorrow. What a waste of time.. if they think we are going to praise them indefinitely, I shall happily spit in their faces.. maybe platoon 3 staff is quite nice; I can't say the same for the other platoons. 2 IC is like an uncle or even a fatherly figure.. OC is different.

Like always, might fill up some gaps I left behind tonight.. now time for some dotA. Met this clan guy Wilson of platoon 4, and he said his clan was 2nd in Singapore.. if I beat him I'll be the next best then lol.. yea, dreaming already, like I always dream of her. So much for lunch or dinner; my weekends are officially gone.