> NO info.



Archives

June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
August 2008
November 2008
December 2008
February 2009
April 2009
May 2009
August 2009
September 2009
November 2009
March 2010
April 2010
July 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
October 2011
November 2011
January 2012
February 2012
April 2012
June 2012


Links to Nowhere

Shuang Han
Jinhui
Ka Yun
Huiling
Wenbin
Jieli
Karseng
Weiwei
NJ03S13


sh00t away


fading

Other infomation here
Designed and made by FsDesigns

Sunday, February 20, 2005


Woke up reluctantly this morning to find myself back at home.. also with the nagging thought at the back of my head that today is book-in day.

I don't know why. Ever since I got back yesterday, it's been like a dream all the way.. I don't feel real anymore; I can hear my voice speaking to my parents, yet I don't recall even having a part in shaping the contents of my own conversations. Even as I'm writing this, my mind seems devoid of emotion.. Didn't bother about breakfast, thinkI'll be skipping lunch.

Is that what NS does to you? Strip you of any humane feelings once present in your heart, and bury it in the deepest part of the ocean.. make laughter seem like a sin, and joy the forbidden fruit, once abundant but now disappeared from the face of this Earth... makes you begin to wonder the various reasons why grown-ups always stress "enjoy you youth" and "studying is the most happy time of your life".. and the sudden realisation that came too late. The acceptance of the fact that life is a bed of roses; the thorns prick and tear at your bare soles, and if you wear something else to protect your tender feet, all that will be left behind are damaged petals and dead flowers.. either way one party has to get hurt.

I got this song from her blog.. something like being a "big big girl in this big big world, and it's not a big big thing if you leave me".. remembered I used to condemn the lyrics, and I still do. Just thinking of the road ahead in life, now that we are all adults. Nothing remains constant but change, and so far we've been like earthworms, making tunnels in the soft earth, wiggling about in unsurpassed joy, protected by the layer of soil above us.. and now some greater force has removed our blanket of protection, blinding us with the intense light, our bodies writhing in the unbearable heat, screaming in agony.. and all of a sudden it's dark, and our charred bodies are now frozen in the night, so numb the pain has faded away... with the dagger buried deep in the heart, the fact that no one can save us.. once there was my mother to shield me from the dangers that lay ahead; now I know she can't protect me anymore.. I'm on my own. I want to be brave, I want to be strong.. but inside..

I feel so small inside. So weak and helpless.. like a stranded sailor clinging on piece of wood, paddling against the huge, monstrous looking tides that threaten to sweep him away...

Remembered that time I was sitting in the corner of the tonnel.. so dark and gloomy.. the floor was wet, and there was no one I could talk to.. just tried to hold on to my seat as the street lamps flashed past, momentarily lighting up the empty road, where I could see the sudden flashes of sharp rocks and jagged stones. Then I was singing this song my mother used to teach me when I was little.. I couldn't remember the words exactly, but whistle the tune I could.. it was like a few soulful notes floating towards the velvet sky...

Setbacks might make one stronger.. but every time they take some part of you away. All that nonsense about not being to either create matter and destroy matter is true.. there's no such thing as a free gift. To be tougher, one has to shed emotion and remove compassion..

You know the saying that everyone has a soft inside? I beg to differ. Everyone is made of stone internally, some a little stronger, some a little less refined.. it just takes time to remove the outer tissue and reveal what we truly are inside. We are inborn with survival instincts; we were not meant to be human anyway.

_'Jx]- faded at 11:23 AM