The cocky and smooth sergeant, Lim or whatever, told us first thing this morning that the class was splitting up into four sections, with one overall IC and four group ICs. Then he mentioned casually that the four area-cleaning/fire-drill ICs were the ones selected. Why not? For convenience sake.. so much easier to manage too..

Did I mention I hold both those responsibilities?

So coincidental..

I think I've gotten every single job, together with Shi Da, since the course started last week.. honestly. First guard duty, J X HO reporting for duty, sergeant! Area-cleaning, J X HO accepting responsibility, sergeant! Fire-drill IC.. sergeant I cannot accept.. because I'm doing the fire-drill vehicle guiding. But I got both anyway. Seriously there's something afoot here.. I better thread carefully. Warren Liew asked me to stand in the tank and teach the class people two by two today about the tank mechanism.. so many people, really want to call me and Shi Da la.. getting rather tired. Besides, I don't look like a responsible person.

On a not-so-light note, I think blogging issues are taken rather seriously now.. sometimes people just say hateful things. It's so uncalled for; I mean, it's natural for everyone to have individual opinions. That's why they started their own blog, to share their thoughts.. NOT for you slanderers to make fun or take advantage of.. Sheesh, I hate people who have critical yet not constructive comments on other's views. I mean, leave the innocent parties alone ya? There are REAL, LIVING people behind those colourful layouts and witty lines.. they have feelings too. At least, I think I have.

After seriously embarking on this journey of self-discovery, maybe I can't cope after all. Sacrificing so much lately.. no television, no games, no sleeping. Now considering giving her up too..

It's that bad. Just have to hang on and force my way through..

You know what? Appearance does play a part in an impression of a person.. in fact it's singularly the MOST essential part.. I'm finally convinced without a trace of reasonable doubt.

For about three minutes, I was entranced by this totally gorgeous Korean actress/model. I don't follow the entertainment world as extensively as most people of my age do, much less knowing the names of every celebrity in the Asian entertainment industry.. anyway, I guess my brain turned into mush and for a few tragically slow moments was bewitched by this mesmerizing beauty. I would even place her alongside goddesses like Lin Chiling and Cecilia Cheung; she's that beautiful.

Then I realised that she was once a he.

Anyway, a harsh drop back to reality.. guard duty wasn't so bad; it was totally a waste of constructive time. Notice I use the word constructive; I believe I have never made use of a saturday purposefully, so I guess that wasn't so bad. The sergeants on duty treated us quite well, and the sergeant-in-charge, a regular called Jimmy, had many a fine tale to relate to us.. as all the old-timers repeatedly emphasize, the '86 batch is considered the "protected" pool.. in the sense that we are more educated and refined, safe from the bad influences that plagued the Singaporean society.. which since has been filtered out on paper anyway. His childhood memories were enough to keep us awake for long hours, and if that wasn't enough, the X-box came in handy.. But listening to all these elders makes me wonder. The JC batch only takes up less than two-thirds of the whole cohort.. what are the rest of the people going to do?

I can't do anything about that.. even pondering as I usually like to do has become something of a chore. Taking literature and history at the end of the year doesn't help. I haven't completed my university applications, and I don't intend to until I get my referral letter from HELP.. miracles in 6 months? Even the most optimistic refuse to give their views..

I thought I've seen the most sarcastic of people.. Sergeant Daniel holds the acolade now. He wins it hands down. The way he makes fun of privates like us is really a show by itself.. and this stout fellow manages to keep a straight face. The things said vary, from totally vulgar to plain jibes, but they all hit home.. S Daniel's eyebrows moves up and down like it has a life of it's own.. the laughter is probably the only thing that can keep me awake.

Got appointed area-cleaning-IC, and now also fire-drill-IC. Is that good or bad? I'm so distracted now I could use a long rest.. I can't lose my focus now though. It's now or never. I've blocked everyone on my msn, refused to answer any e-mails.

Yet like now, lie always, I'm stoning in front of the list. So where does that leave me?

Anyone wants to know what plans I had for this weekend? Yes no? Or just too busy planning for your own? I mean, it's a LONG weekend.. friday is a Good one, sat and sun are always heavenly. No work, no stress.. everyone is happy. Especially us, NS people. Civilisation matters more to us than you civilians will ever know or appreciate.. I don't think anyone can ever get used to the life there.

Perfect time for gaming. Soccer. Sleeping. The list goes on..

The last and most important item is, "Ask someone special out."

Making plans, creating opportunities, churning out endless ideas.. wait, I hear something. It's getting closer.. sounds like it's coming.. from above. The shadow covers me; I can smell the ominous stench of destruction. Forcing myself to look up and face my imminent doom, I let out an anguish scream of ambiguity and immediately everything turns black because I don't know what to write anymore.. I have never understood how some writers can describe terror staring at you in the face, because if you can really examine the features, I guess it's not as terrible as you think. You just looked too closely that's all.

Anyway, I've got Guard Duty on sat..


*Gasps of shock and incredulity*


I shall accept the sympathetic looks of concern and words of comfort another time.. because I haven't recovered the explosion myself.. still on my knees reeling from the impact, coming to my senses, all five of them primary ones and one secondary one. It's a 24-hr shift.. not a normal night one. And right in the middle of long break. You got to marvel at my luck; I'm kind of wondering too. What luck anyway..

So.. it's not meant to be. Not because I don't want to. But because I can't.. They say parallel lines will one day meet.. must have been using cheap uneven rulers.

I was so tired today I fell asleep while standing on one foot.. Now I guess I'll be dead for the next week.

Our specialist course doesn't exactly start until next week. Hence, we have lots of waiting time for us to indulge in mindless activities. However, there's a glitch; we aren't allowed to do anything except whisper. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and was immediately appointed area-cleaning IC.

There's nothing like a kaobei-ing session to start a friendship.. at least between guys, that is. If there is no common interest involved, or two parties just finding it hard to break the ice, complaining and cursing a particular subject removes all barricades.. I know it sounds childish and stupid, but girls have their gossip sessions too. I made a new friend this afternoon in the lecture room, and then another on the bus ride home.. yea, complaining about the long journey always unites. I mean, as little boys in tight shorts, we used to squeal alot about superheroes and power rangers anyway.. helps alot in differentiating:


Small boy 1: "Hey do you think that green ranger sucks?"

Small boy 2: "Ya lor! I think so also! I think he dunno how to fight one. Like so girly. Red ranger more cool right?" *expectant look*

Small boy 1 *beaming*: "Wah, I like red ranger too! Set, you're my new best friend!"

Small boy 2 *beaming too*: "Set!"

A beautiful friendship is born..


... a bit juvenile.. but if we're like that girls must be worse.

The cursing is colourful but not the focal point of our discussion. The important thing was that we finally convinced ourselves that armour specialists were SUPERIOR to SISPEC people:


1) "Combat pay is higher than service pay."

- .. so what? SISPEC people spend so much time outfield, most of their pay is used up on camou cream anyway.

2) "SISPEC guys will all be sergeants at the end of their course. They OUTRANK service people."

- And then? Remain third sergeants for the majority? Sheesh, what an honour; I'm totally bowled over.. but then, service sergeants rise rank faster because we have more courses.

3) "Combat people have more prestige because they hold guns AND they drive the tanks we are maintaining."

- Spanner vs Rifle.. so? I unplug one screw from your tank and get an invitation to your funeral.

4) "SISPEC people look more fit, and are possibly also stronger too."

- I get my tan in the swimming pool and work out in an air-con gym. The field and trees and mimosa bushes are all yours. Enjoy.

5) "Other units, especially SISPEC people, look down on service specialist."

- Tell that to Master Yeo. I won't dare to.


Minus all the suffering and going home weepings, and SISPEC people don't look so tough anymore.. So shucks to them.

I'll rather be there though.

Blacklisted today for the condition of my boots.. Seriously, I think placing such emphasis on boots is amusing to say the least. It will surely get dirty at the end of the day, so why are the sergeants so particular.. I guess I'll have to polish it again later.. SSM's discipline hard line has caught us cold; I think we weren't taking him seriously enough. But he's a nice guy actually. So are the 1st sergeants.. the fat one might be a little too sarcastic on the side, but I think it's more for amusement than anything else.. Sergeant Yip, who's in charge of class B; my class, is a really nice chap. It's really too early to tell actually.. maybe when the course starts we will have different views altogether. Today was a total waste of time studying safety; we can just bring home to read ourselves ya? And I got caught by fat sergeant for trying to slack my way through..

I know the person who called 2nd sergeant a cok is seriously at fault.. such insolence. But sometimes you can't help but wonder how he got his stripes.. I can't imagine sergeant Suhaimi, Kenneth or Derrick making these elementary mistakes.. even Nio got them right. And Nio's a big cok.

Tried the 166 way home and failed miserably.. and Shi Da's dad doesn't start driving till the week after next. Hence, it's gonna be a miserable time..

I seem to have friends everywhere.. come to think of it maybe I do know alot of people. It never hurts to have a large social circle.. nothing but benefits in the long run. Though sometimes I feel a little uneasy. Being introvert and picky are not two of the most desirable qualities one would look for in a potential friendship. Yet despite famously possessing both of them, things seem to be turning out the other way round..

My mom says I'm honest, loyal and sincere.. how's that for three lies in a day? Mothers are meant to protect their sons from the horrible truth.. that is out there somewhere.. anyway.

Hopefully I'll never see Meng again. In his place comes Shi Da, an old friend from TCHS. That's one hell of a stroke of luck.. this guy is responsible and exuberant.. makes Meng look very bad, but not worse because that's not possible.. having him, Tham and an old detail mate Wee Chiat around was certainly remedy for a boring and listless day.. I guess it's only these two days; Wed will be the start of the course. And yes, I'm in armour.. I'm PART of armour. You have no idea how much better that makes me feel. At least I'm part of a famous quartet of SAF.. and I'm messing around with tanks and armoured vehicles instead of rovers. That's an experience only few will ever enjoy. But hell, the tank's engine is huge. One small mistake and the whole big lump of metal parts falls apart.. The overalls were damn gay-looking, but super comfortable. And ya, the sergeants and SSM are nice people, though SSM keeps emphasizing on discipline, I think we'll have no problem keeping up to his standards..

But hell, dismissal time is not 1730 as stated; it's always later, because of area cleaning.. means I can't reach the mrt by 1745, which also means I can't.. see someone. So, another blockade.. But kinda used to it, so it doesn't matter. I don't think the meeting feeling is mutual anyway.

"What is past is past. Never go back. Not for excuses. Not for justification, not for happiness. You are what you are, and the world is what it is."

I wish I was Utt in Chase.. at least the show fast-forwarded a few years so we know he got the girl. Why can't you show me now, so I don't have to waste my time? I have lit and history to wrestle with now.. and I need her support, not the distraction. Either let me have a glimpse of what the future holds, or bring me back into the world of black and white, the past where I can alter my destiny. I know I'm dwelling in what has long gone.. and I respect Mario Puzo enough to acknowledge the wisdom of his words.

But I need it now. The justification.. the happiness that I missed. I want a second chance.

Okay, my father took the wrong passport. My brother looks alot like my father.. but my father doesn't look like a 17-year old. So we had to rush back and retrieve his own book.. I guess he mistook the photos in his rush. Much as my old dad likes to preach to me about my messy habits, I think he kinda forgets I inherited them from him. The difference is he tries to change; I don't really give much of a damn.

This is hilarious.

For a few weeks now I've been really irritated by this fellow, my dear friend/enemy Sean Goh. If you're in NJ and around me when he's near, you'll understand why.. Anyway, his nick on msn has been "2nd Lt Goh Shen Loong Sean Luke".. talk about ego. As if Foxtrot people are OCS-bound the moment they step into the company.. SAF scholar and so on, after discarding the tennis champion and rebel-for-a-cause tags..

I woke up on friday and saw "combat medic . . . sian".

It's been two whole days and the nick hasn't changed.. guess many people were disappointed by the posting. But as far as I know of, I'm the only one displeased with my slack vocation. Guess the best solution is to train myself up then. I'm damn scared I'll lose whatever tan I have now.

Meeting Leo later for dinner. I'm really tired, but as a friend I will have to be there for him.. you can't really blame him. To top it all off with his vocation, the very one I was dreading, you got to feel for the poor dude. Armour scout when OCS beckoned in the distance.. it's like settling for Koh Cheng Mun when Rui En just kissed you on the cheek.

I'm kind of worried about tomorrow too, or rather apprehensive. But at least I get to go home at 5 ya?

Since it's come to this, I guess there's no turning back. It's my fault, but you could have played a part too, if you cared.. now I can only sit back and wait. Perhaps if I had been persistent enough, and you had been responsive enough, things could have been different. Wondering about what could have been. It was clear three weeks ago.. now it's back to where it first began.. at the crossroads where I don't know where to proceed, where to go...

Losing myself when I'm already lost isn't the best way to start a new week.

Last day before I report for my slack vocation.. Leo, Reubs and Jieli virtually went up in smoke last night when I told them about the going home part. When I added in the non-combat part, I got a smack in the face. So I guess it's my fault? I seriously won't mind changing it for a more physical vocation.. since I have to do NS I might as well make the most of it. Then again, NS doesn't exactly make us physically better; it just increases our endurance level. I think my 2.4 run timing has gone up, though I can run for longer now.. And all NS men seem to have shrunked. Not more muscular as initially expected, but rather more tough. Bones are tougher than flesh at any rate.

I'm in two minds whether to talk about the class gathering which I didn't want to go but went, or the lan gaming session which I didn't want to play but played.. Oh well, the lan gaming part was abit screwed up. Me and Salas once again had a great game but lost due to complacency. Jie Hui wasn't too bad either, but we should have killed them when we had the chance. Made a fatal mistake when I chose Faceless Void; should have taken Slardar for the more convenient stun. But never mind.. turned up late for class gathering, and was it a waste of time or what.. pasta mania then walk around aimlessly. Then Qixian had this big match coming up the next day which is today against some very strong team.. and he wanted me to play. Normally I would consider it an honour. Especially since at the original time he set, Leo's friends Zhipeng and Bobby would participate.. A team with Zp, Bobby and Qx is definitely a pleasure to play with, but he had to change the time. Anyway, the fact that he asked me for such an important match was a compliment.. I haven't touched the ball in ages.

Can't really say this time I was really happy to see the class. Maybe too tired, too many things to think about. And.. whatever. Girls can scold vulgarities ya?

At this age we are supposed to be happy people. Yet most of us have so many problems to struggle with.. I have more than I can chew already, yet I can't help but feel for some of my dear friends.. comrades who have always stood by me, helped me up when I fell down. I can't do anything; I feel so helpless. I can't lose myself in gaming as I thought I could. Chocolate and bananas don't help that much anymore.. I'm running away, from the troubles in my life. But I can't run forever, yet I can't solve them. So where does that leave me.. somewhere in mid-air defying gravity, yet neither going up or down.

Darn it, I'm so breathless now. Have to send my dad to airport tomorrow morning too. Sad..

I've been raging and complaining about the physical exertions in the SAF.. and now I gotten my wish. I'm an Automotive Tech "A"..

I feel so small now. How come I always don't enjoy the things I wish for? Yea, I get to slack for the next remaining two years, but that's not what I really want.. if not for my stupid back, I'll probably be in SISPEC or any other unit that actually trains to fight.

I'm disgusted. I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore.

In the view of this sudden change of events, I'm going to give class gathering a miss. I mean, I already planned not to go, but I didn't have a really valid reason I could reveal.. now I have lol.

Surprisingly, pleasantly.. yesterday's outing with the guys wasn't overshadowed by dotA after all. For once a plus, which shows how much our fellowship has matured.

That match turned out to be a thrilling affair. Somehow I was dumb enough to put Salas, Taffy and Jieli together.. Salas is around my standard, Taffy not that far off, and Jieli certainly better than anything Reubs and Kiamin can produce. So I have no inkling whatsoever how we won actually.. maybe it's just me. Overwhelming odds and a very persistent Salas.. they had not one, not two, but THREE hero-killers. Okay, maybe Salas' SK wasn't that good a hero killer, but he sure was a pusher. And impossible to kill. With a Broodmother and PA running about my Luna was hard pressed.. but we won. Which means I lost a bet, and I have to do something very nice yet unpleasant at the same time.. but yea, the feeling is good. To be around Qixian and Chun's standard.. Anyway, we went to S11 for a late dinner, and then proceeded to the nearby park to have some talk-cock session. Isaac strongly opposes this notion, and Chun shakes his head saying "uh-uh..", but the fact remains that S13 guys are split into two groups. Even Sl admits it. That fat, pale ass.. it's a miracle he didn't recourse after missing so much of BMT through MC. Everyone lost weight, but Swee Lee gained quite alot.. Km and Salas were quite apprehensive, and Km says he wants to sign on.. SIGN ON?? He must be really bored, or had his brain sucked out by Melissa..

By the way, my mom has this, or rather these job offers.. rate is extravagantly good, and the places are rather plentiful.. okay, plentiful is too strong, I would say there are some spaces. Girls can apply, if they pass a certain criteria and my interview LOL.. nah just kidding. Only good friends may apply. Either message me or e-mail me, and if you don't have both you aren't my good friend, so just go away. If you have one only it means you either don't have a handphone or computer, which in my opinion is shocking and sad.. IF you have both.. it also doesn't mean anything. So what am I talking about..

To try or not to try.. that's not the question, but it's something worth pondering about.

The NE tour today was a complete waste of time.. I'd rather be home sleeping, but as usual it was a COMMAND from SAF. If you think about it, as recruits and privates we are paid a few cents per hour, yet we don't have any freedom to speak of. We can't even swear and curse at civilians who flag our taxis and cut our queues at bus stops. So I guess all NS men have to suck thumb then.

After enduring the few hours of drawling from a nice old man, the entire section 2 decided to lunch at Fish and Co. I've never seen the point of eating at fancy restaurants, and I don't think I ever will; it's like throwing money away. The fish and chips were delicious though.. could have given the $4.50 meal at S11 a run for their money. But I give S11 the slight edge because of the baked beans and coleslaw.. the extra dough must have influenced the odds somehow too.. Anyway, only Andrew, Teck and Jeff were absent, so it wasn't too bad.. with Jinni and Fariq around there's definitely something to complain or joke about.

Jing Yin and Taffy joined us for a rather awkward lanning session with section 3, and boy was it a total screw-up in the end.

I know some people just want to win with the greatest possible ease and maximum efficiency, but don't you feel anything at all? Not even a trace of shame at your total lack of sportsmanship? Using a cheap hero to gain confidence and advantage is one thing; to repeatedly make use of the same character as well as the exact same method of playing is just loser-ish. I mean, so what if you get 20+ frags in the end, when there is no skill involved at all? It gets rather frustrating when others are reluctant to resort to the same style of play, so you get to own the battlefield.. chuckling and giggling when ignorant people around you marvel at your prowness isn't by any means honourable to any extent. So ya, me and Jy raped your asses, both yours excluding the innocent victim in Taffy.. Bet you guys enjoyed taking us down a notch in your 4v3 triumph.. but if you think about it, people with more pride and honour would have adopted a different style of gameplay, rather than go for a total killing spree. And we didn't lose that badly either, just outnumbered and out-cheated. Bask in your imaginary glory then.. winning you guys would only be too easy.

No, I'm not angry.. just wondering why people go for cheap thrills.

S13 non-SJI-guys-gathering-with-the-exception-of-Taffy tomorrow. Should be great to see the guys again.. but I forsee another lanning session that will end up in heated words and hurt feelings. I'll probably take out all my frustrations over the past few weeks on them, and worst of all, I think they'll just take everything in without any complaints.

During range last week, Alan and Alex said I look perpetually sad.. downcast, melancholy etc.. I'm just thinking too much. Maybe some brainless activity would be a much welcomed cure. Like.. cleaning my SBO and helmet. Or just sit around and wait for the sky to fall on my head.

I've been trying to avoid any mention of this particular insitution, or squash any rumours of connection to it. However, the first person I saw at NTU after hopping out hastily and discretely was Serene.. so much for a secret excursion.

Firstly, I have a confession to make.

I can't stand PRCs.

Since I hate so many things ranging from gays to Liverpool players, I guess this is nothing new. But seriously, PRCs take the cake.. And these aliens totally overrun NTU. Hence, it is by default conclusion that I absolutely loathe the idea of taking NTU education.

PRCs have small squinty eyes, calculative and scheming. They have extremely pale skin that sort of droops along the lines of their mouths. Their feeble attempts at speaking proper, understandable English is, as described, feeble, yet it produces the American accent which most of us try and emulate yet fail. These China guys do their sums faster than we consult the calculator. In short, they are effectively stealing our rice bowls.. how can we possibly like them in anyway? Personally, I think PRCs should all be shot and sent home..

Other than that, NTU is boring but okay.

I won't go there if I can help it. But looking at how things are turning out, I'll be best pals with some weird looking geek in two year's time.. at least that scenario is more feasible than me hanging out in NUS background. It's really not so bad; it's just very sad.

Had a great deal of reminiscing today at the 24km march.. first up was Yihui with our old weiqi team memories.. guess those days are behind us now. But it was rather nice to recall our old antics and happy times together. Just a few years back, and it seems so long ago, when we were wearing tight, short shorts running about with a chateh flying in the air.. Then there was the conversation with Zhiping about soccer in our age group. I think he's better than me now, but during Sec 1 and 2 the team mainly comprised of me, Zhen Hui and Herng Jer, who I also saw today. Zh as the lone forward, me the supporting midfielder, and Hj the holding stopper.. There were other players like Richmond, Francis and Chen^2, but mainly that we were the core that beat the whole level.. that's saying something. And ya, those days are also behind me, so why the hell am I bringing them up anyway. Just thankful the 24km is behind me now..

Military Intelligence turned out to be a seriously stressing physical vocation.. I'm going to be a recee trooper, which means I have to run miles without making any noise, and at the same time scout for alien and hostile objects.. sounds cool really, but I can't help praying I don't get in now.

Meeting the class guys for dinner on wed I guess.. and yea, Taffy's the only SJI guy. Lanning and food on the cards, though I don't see much point in the former. It's going to be a waste of money in the end.

I find myself writing and then deleting entries, even though some of them take me rather long to post. Is this what we call insecurity? Frankly I don't think so.. I guess it's just because sometimes under the different influences of various mood swings, preferences do change. Opinions might differ under contrasting circumstances. So here I am, embarking on another tale of today.

NUS open house was a bore to say the least. So many people came for the open house.. it was so difficult to find anyone even with the use of a handphone. As far as I understand from the talks and speeches, the NUS people didn't give away anything important; just the usual vague pieces of information that I'm sure the majority knew even before they stepped into the school compound. I mean, what's the use of telling me what I can do in the future when my present is shrouded with uncertainty?

When I tried repeatedly and specifically to ask for the intake requirements, my efforts were fended off with the same overused answer: "It will have to depend on the intake iteself."

At least I know that they look at your O lvl results for English and Literature. That should be some sort of consolation I guess. Also, my GP grade isn't too shabby. Should I get into FASS itself, I'll be in good stead to get the course I want.

Saw many people there; old friends, section mates, past aquaintances.. the list goes on. What I can't understand is, when you searching for something, or someone in this instance, somehow you can never find it. I was looking high and low for Kang Yu and Jing Yin, without much success. Maybe the ancient ones knew what they were talking about when they invented the words "fate" and "coincidence". In the end I wound up walking the NUS compound with Ka Yun and later Weibin. Other than a few bags of various items I don't give two hoots about, and the re-possession of my 11-b, nothing was gained today.. even the total destruction of some challengers at Far East did nothing to lift the dark clouds.

Before I booked in on thurs, I watched Hitch with Johnson and Victor. As usual I should give a review.. my opinions are always biased, and I'm not ashamed at all. So there.

Hitch was hilarious to say the least.. but it's an old romantic movie. Will Smith is one hell of an actor, and Eva Mendes isn't overshadowed at all.. but it's a fairytale really. Females aren't that simple; they are so darn complicated creatures. Relationships shouldn't be treated like baking cakes; it makes us real males outside look like fools.. idiots who can't think...

Three dates to get her heart?

Dream on!

Maybe American women are easier to ensnare.. pity I'm not an American guy. Also, Albert getting Allegra Cole was totally absurd. In this modern lighting, Cinderella-stories are rare; this one brings it to the point of insanity. But thankfully the dialogue is witty enough, the characters play their roles earnestly, hence movie is rather a joy to watch. That is, if you don't think about the plot. At all. Just sit back and laugh.. and at the end get up and try to forget everything.. because it doesn't help at all. It's just a show, less truthful than most. Girls never go for sincerity; they won't know it even if it hit them in the face. Talk about material stuff and they go crazy.. I got this notion that if some guy, who is poor and is unattractive, gives everything up for the girl of his dreams, and dies in the process, the girl won't even visit his grave. Seriously. Maybe a flower once every ten years.

I know the opposite sex begs to differ. But Hitch just really shows how desperate men can get.. and how blind women can be. Talk about electricity? How do we know really whether it is for real..

That's why today I just waved and walked away. Because I don't trust myself to speak anymore.

By the way, despite the fact that I didn't enjoy the massacre at all, it was rather a pleasure to slaughter an old TCHS foe on the other side. I mean, his hero was supposed to own me for the early levels, yet I nearly killed him a few times before he reached level 10.. it was amusing the way he messaged everyone "Who is *****?" and then I replied "Me." Think he was rather embarassed to have his ass kicked like that. For goodness sake I didn't even hunt them down like Jy did.. so what are they complaining about.

After today I'm offically a private.. no longer the chao recruit. The passing out parade was quite draggy, and I guess many of us fought the urge to faint right there in the parade square; I know I did. It was pure torture to say the least. But at least we aren't the babies of NSF anymore.. We can now watch Saving Private Ryan and actually visualize ourselves in his position without the nagging thought of rank ("Shit! I'm only a damn recruit! How can I possible understand how a private feels, especially when he earns $100 more than me??").

I think all's not lost. Mind must have been clouded with uncertainty and desperation after friday. But come to think of it, it's not that bad after all.. I can still go into the course I want, pursue the dreams I had forsaken once.. there's always NIE anyway. Please no SIM.. firstly it's expensive; secondly it's not cheap, and thirdly I have no money.

Rather painful lesson learnt.. but I'm young. I'll survive. I'll strive for my goal. There are many setbacks in life taking their queue number now, and I'll never see them through if I don't face this now.. anyway one reaps what one sows. Stomach it like a man and move on. English Lit here I come.. I know you've been waiting.

Will miss my platoon and section mates. They'll be going commander's schools and stuff, while I'll just remain a private because of my injury.. if I get into military intelligence I'll laugh my front teeth out. The interview didn't reveal much about their requirements, except that any candidates who smoke, drink and fight often get cut immediately. I'm not too sure about the drinking part, but I certainly do not thrive on cigarettes, nor do I use force without reason.. asking me about my private life isn't the best way to decide whether I can be a strategist and stuff..

Anyway, said goodbye to my friends, gave Swee Lee and Reubs a hug, and I stepped out to the jetty, leaving the first phase of NS behind me. Can't say it was a smooth path all the way.. but it was alright. No more Meng at any rate. Booking in tomorrow for a IPPT test I can't possibly pass, and holding a gun for the rest of friday.. guess I'll never have time to see her again.

I mean, it's kind of evil to do this to me ya? Bring me up so high I can touch the sky, then leave me there until time has lost itself in the midst of eternity.. and everything is done and nothing but a memory.

Too many things to settle now.. so little time.

Future's way too important to put aside at any rate.. so she's gotta wait. If there's anything left at all, that is.

I can't get to U now I think. Absolutely gutted. But I deserve it.

Perhaps in the future when I look back to this day, I'll stroke my beard and say, wisely, "That was so foolish and uncalled for.."

"Ah, the foolishness of youth."

Right now I'm dreading every moment.

It wasn't just a simple fever, it was VIRAL INFECTION. Now that explains why Dr Tan wanted to give me more than a week off.. no wonder I feel so weak; all my strength has deserted me, like rats slinking out of a sinking ship.

A lvls on fri.. I think I'll probably scrape a BCD or around that line. Maybe a 4 for GP because I wrote crap. But as long as can get in NUS then can le.. not asking for much, just the simple plea to leave my past behind me. Not the end of the world by a long shot.


"Rhythm and confidence are twin names for the same quick-silver element. They are two sides of the same coin; rhythm the physical manifestation, confidence the mental. You may start with either; it will irresistibly produce the other."


Pursuing dreams that are flying away.. guess I'll have to run faster then. My shuttle run is 9.9 secs; hopefully that's fast enough.

I'm back home with a fever of 39.4 degrees. Wanted to tahan until after night shoot, but they had me evacuated. Quite interesting, the way they were so worried. I reported to the medic after Seng Teck and Jeff urged me to.. and you should have seen the medic's eyes nearly pop out; it was hilarious. It goes like this:

Seng Teck: *rather panicky* "Where's the medic?!"

Medic: *walking over lazily" "Yo wassup, dudes? You wanted to see the medic?"

Jx: "Die liao die liao.. medic I want to report sick."

Medic: *relaxed and smiling* "Yea okay, for what illness?"

*He leans back on the table. Seng Teck looks bemused*

Jx: "Fever."

Medic: "Oh.. is like that one la, the weather not good. How high?.."

Jx: "39.2."

*Table is almost unturned."

Medic: *gets up, flustered* "Wtf? Take your temperature again!"

Jx: *after taking temperature, stops at 39.4* "Uh oh.."

Medic: *his temperature going up too* "Oh SHIT.. Emergency evacuation.. You, throw water on his head! You, get the stretcher! You get the ice packs! Faster!"

I didn't know what the fuss was all about because I was so groggy, but since I've been in that condition since the night before, I guess I didn't care much.. The medical officer said it was rather serious as 40 and above causes high chance of brain damage, so he sent me back home. At the rate it's going, I'll most probably have to take tomorrow off too, which means I'm going to have to miss alot of stuff.. Ah well, kept putting it off, now reaping the rewards. Body more important than NS though. Zhe Yuan and Alan kena-ed the same symptons, and there are quite a few people too.. wonder how many will join us soon.

My bro got 19 for L1B4, which is a relief. He can go poly now and take the majority of the courses.. a great load has been lifted off my mind =) Now even if I fail, I know my kid bro has his own chance once again to prove himself.

My temperature's steady now, which is not good lol.. 38+

Girls enjoying their lives out there, shopping and eating, and then shopping and eating, and then shopping and eating again.. getting their degrees earlier by two years too. It's so unfair I don't know whether to feel confused or angry. They should give a tour into the lives of NS men, see how we suffer both mentally and physically.. and then make NS compulsory for girls. That would be nice. Can't really see nor imagine my class girls doing standard push-ups or SOC, but they can always try.

Okay, tried imagining and almost choked my lungs out.. think I'll better stop.