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Tuesday, April 12, 2005


When you can't really strike up any conversation with anyone, and the only hand signals available are only known to yourself, it's really quite easy to drift off into thought.. Not that my section mates were in anyway uncaring or anything; they were a great source of comfort. But there's only so much you can talk with one side of the mouth inactive.. hence it was mutually concluded that the painful exertion was unnecessary and pointless, and my own world beckoned once again..

I was thinking, maybe this blog wasn't what it used to be..

Previously I poured all my feelings and thoughts onto this makeshift-online-dairy. No qualms about offensive stuff.. it was all direct and brutal, sometimes painful. A source of solace maybe? Or rather a quiet place for reflection.. even a haven that provided the light deep into the deepest night..

I found myself writing a review on What Women Want and F.I.R's new album yesterday, which is pretty nice by the way.. and then I stopped and pondered:

Why am I now so.. lifeless?

Talking about boring NS man's life which no one wants to know. Reviewing this movie here and there.. giving opinions for the sake of it. Doesn't even feel remotely right anymore.

Why do I have the fear of leaking out anything present in my head, any complaint worth mentioning, every comment I want to make.. or is it because there is nothing left..

It's pretty obvious. This blog, formally el7jx.blogspot.com, has always revolved around one person. And that person is not me..

Took me long enough to realise that, or I guess maybe it's a stubborn show of defiance that stood in the way. Yet even from the very first entry, it was evident what I was aiming at.. couldn't help myself probably, from plastering so many secrets, so many little lies and fabrications to cover it up, yet revealed itself in the end. A tumultuous eight months, from the beginning in late June, to the sudden influx of messages.. and finally Feb 14, when it all came to a stop. Who would have thought things would turn out this way.. makes me laugh a little thinking about it. When I look at the person I was then, and the person I am now, nothing seems to have changed. It started out with the love comedy Turn Left Turn Right last April; it sort of came to a stand-still last Sunday when the show once again reappeared on the screen.. in many senses the whole story wasn't unlike the comedy ably presented by Gigi and Takeshi. Sometimes I think back and wonder, and then shake my head in disbelief. It was like a fairytale.. and it's now, because of her..

That the magic seems to have disappeared.

I don't know what to write anymore. It's my gut feeling that everyone feels the same. Must have been interesting reading about this guy so torn up over a someone who appears bemused by all the attention.. I can almost hear you guys voicing your heartfelt sympathy, yet sense not only the slight tinge of hypocrisy, but also the overwhelming curiosity. It's like a comic book tale; you just can't wait to see the end, regardless of whether it ends a fairytale or just a abrupt full stop. The pages turn slowly, then flip more expectantly as time flies by. All of a sudden, you've reached the last worded page, but it doesn't say "The End". It just stops there. Are you going to stand there idle.. waiting for the words that will never appear.. alternatively fling everything on the ground, tear the papers apart, stamp on it like it killed your love. Or have you realised, I'm not the hero.. just the clown, the court jester..

Never thought I would paint my picture once again on this page. But the canvass is drying already; the streaks of bright, vibrant colours are gradually fading into the white sheet that has long remained so. And I remain confused yet again.. but for now dazzled, mesmerized by the drawing, done by my own hand.. the picture of a figure walking away.

_'Jx]- faded at 9:11 PM