This is an accidental entry. It's not supposed to be written.. not at this time anyway. But since I'm still at home, I might as well complete it. Things I want to say and such; it's going to be 5 days before my next post anyway.

I'm struggling with the words I want to use now. How about a direct confession:


I HATE being the middle man.


Someone's got to do it. I think I've done my fair share. I'm not doing it for any personal gain; yet stating that the reason consist of friendship and compassion isn't all that true either. When the girl indirectly rejects the guy, I feel for him, like the way I can't break the news to Leon. Somehow the happy endings have gone into hiding. Or is it me? Am I the one screwing things up; should I even care at all. Contrary to belief.. beneath my nonchalent front, I can visualise his grief.

A middle man does make things easier. Where's mine?

I just found him, or rather him with a her. And just so exasperatingly, I might have learnt the answer yesterday, even without embarking on my own personal journey.

~

40 SAR. Here I come. 4 days 3 nights.. I'm not ready.

5 cranes and counting..

I found myself frequently gazing off in a distance, a swarm of thoughts rushing through my head. Not that I had much time to daydream. Just wondering about civilian life. How my family was doing. What were my friends doing in their respective units and bases. Of course, the handphone remains very much a plausible alternative, but unless there's a video camp attached to virtually every corner of Singapore, the outside world remains shrouded in light. It's so glaring.

The feeling was there during the BMT days. It's not a terrible sensation or anything like that; I think lost would be a better word. Or probably longing?

Definitely longing.

Keat Hong camp isn't that bad or anything. As I mentioned in the previous post, it's a new place. One can't really complain about the facilities; there are courts for nearly every kind of sport. People-wise is never really an issue. There are nice superiors, screwed up superiors-wannabes, bunk mates that laugh and screw you.. the usual stuff expected. I've given up trying to insult an extremely slow corporal, or for that matter physically humiliating him, for the simple reason that he doesn't understand. The skull's too thick for me to do anything. I was told that there was this Armour trial for soccer players. Martin, who was one of the top ITE players, opt not to go. Mr Corporal went. Despite the fact that we call him "40's best player", the corporal's an absolute imbecile. After he missed the empty goal 4 times, I gave up trying. The worse thing is, that he doesn't run, and he shouts at people.

My bunk mate has got to find out one day why he was ostracized in TCHS and then NJ. No one can be that stupid, or thick skinned. I wonder how he actually had the cheek to ask Calvin and Zihao to pay, in cash, for berets he bought using credit. That's shamelessness for you. Look for Mousey; I refuse to taint my blog with his name.

I've met the people in Archer company. My IC and 2IC I can't really comment, since my contact with them is limited. I do shudder when my IC approaches.. My upperstudy Zi Jian is nice in a washed-out way - meaning we can't really communicate. It's a pity, because this sergeant looks like a really nice chap. He probably thinks I'm a moron; I have to admit I think he's simple-minded and occasionally over-cocky. Joseph is my driver, and he IS the Joseph, boyfriend of my P6 classmate Magdalene.. I've long since given up gushing about how small the world is, but this isn't exactly a pleasant surprise. It doesn't really matter that he spends most of the time chatting to her; what Joseph does, I don't care. Boyfriends do talk excessively to their girls. I'm comfortable with the fact that she's my childhood friend; never really liked her in the first place. It's just that my driver has now, unwittingly, opened the door I firmly shut, possibly and now proven not, to be the last time. I like Joseph; he's friendly and impossibly even-tempered. It's his relationship that gives me the endless opportunities which I no longer want. But now I do again.

Why is it that every time, the timing's always wrong.

Just barely an hour ago, I was struggling with a really drunk Chu Wei and not-so-drunk Zihao. The BBQ gathering of 40 SAR was a farce, so we resorted to drinking. Joseph chose to chat on the phone, and even ran away into hiding.. I'm wondering how much a guy can really talk to a girl about.

Why did I even bother washing the entire recovery vehicle with him.

One good thing is, the few of us new-comers are fitting in smoothly. No longer intimidated by sergeants who throw their weight around.


Enough about Army stuff. I guess it's really pissed me off. There's probably plenty more to write.

~

Xiaxue and SPG are in some kind of war. It sort of escalated during my stay in camp.. In all seriousness, I think people who actually follow this debate and participate in the discussion should get a life. Why care about two teenage girls who can't keep their lives to themselves? It's like The Truman Show. I don't know either of them personally. Do you? To put it plainly, why the fuck would I care what Xiaxue does today, or which guy SPG screwed today. Or the other way round. And the most amusing item is, why do the two celebrities complain about our apparent disregard for their feelings? They asked for it.

Are we supposed to assume they have feelings? Or are we supposed to assume that we should care?

This topic in question does not warrant a conclusion. Let them screw each other. Wanbao shouldn't be blamed since it is a screwed-up rag in the first place.

~

Spurs won. I'm not sure if I wanted to know that. I'm not sure if I want to know anything at all.

I'm back home.. but I have to book in straight later at 11pm. Which in my opinion is DAMN STUPID LA! What's so wrong about letting us go in tomorrow morning? Not as if we're going to do anything tonight.. makes no bloody sense.

There was this serious fluctuation in changing of moods going on this morning. At the end of it, we concluded that we were lucky after all. Although we are stay-in (Shi Da isn't, lucky bastard), I would so prefer that to taking an enternity going home everyday. I guess the base people aren't that happy after all; their camp is old and dusty, plus they can't stay in. Our Keat Hong camp hasn't even celebrated it's one year birthday yet; everything's spanking new. Repeat: SPANKING NEW. It's like some holiday camp. There's no rubbish anywhere at all. Not that we're looking for anything undesirable about the appearance, but it's unnatural somehow.

The number of friends I saw there was another soothing factor. There's Leonard from NJ, Xiang Hui, Yuk Hong, Ka Yun and Zongyao from TCHS. Chu Pei's bro Chu Wei's there, a nice chap who shows us around. SGT Roy's friend Martin is there to help us out. And a few others which I can't remember shorthand because I'm obviously rushing this post.

Archer company is reputed to be xiong. And by the looks of it, it is. My IC looks garang. And the worse part of everything is, we have to go outfield. This makes us no different from A.I troopers.. Seriously, of all the OETIans, I think we got the toughest unit of all. Then again, the fact that they allow us to bring TVs in. What a joke. What are we supposed to think anyway?? Thank goodness there's no SOC..

Ah yes. I got my black beret. Armour spec, now truly confirmed. I'd like to parade my beret on my shoulder about; it makes me look damn cool la. But I'm allowed, or rather ordered, to book in in civilian attire. So.. ya. I have nothing to say.

The rest of the weaklings out there are blue berets.. support staff lol. I feel jealous.

Rushing off now. Lots of stuff to pack.. Will be back on friday. Wish me luck.

~

She told me to have fun and take care. My mind's at ease.

40 SAR. I think it's beginning to sink in. Seriously. Registering. Shit.

One of the toughtest armour units around. And to think I initally looked forward to it. It's in the middle of some dense forest.. there are no people around, no one to look at, nothing to look forward to. I'll probably find the canteen aunties attractive again. My computer will become holy and sacred once again. I'll worship it like I never did before, not like now, when my eyes are already becoming rather tired. My bed will become heavenly again; I won't EVER go to the living room. What about my telly? My internet connections? There's really too many things I will miss.

And the physical training. I'm actually dreading running, jumping, crawling.. SOC again. The monkey bars, and... I can't even remember what other obstacles there are. I do know I hated them though.

Omigosh!

I have turned rather soft. Not only in the head. My muscles have gone flabby. My tummy doesn't look all that flat anymore, unless you look directly from the front.

Too lazy to play soccer. Swimming's okay, if I don't move.

~

Today's LAN session was satisfactory for once. Who would have known that the inclusion of Salas and Taf would bring three victories in as many games? And I didn't use any cheap heroes today. It merely confirms my belief that teamwork can overrule anything. As for individual skill..

I'm good.

~

I'll bring a stack of origami papers into camp. Every time I think of her, I'll fold a crane. If I can't be bothered to do so, there's no point in doing anything then.

This probably sounds so excessive. Laugh at me. Jeer at will. I guess I do belong to a different era after all. I long for the times where people actually get touched by little actions.

I'm ashamed of myself. That's indecisiveness for you.

I've just fast-forwarded my process of going totally insane by buying Demon Days. Having never heard of the group Gorillaz, I guess the advertisment with it's pretty cool animations did the artist proud.

Intoxicating stuff!

Way more effective than the diluted pints of swill-tasting beer I tried to drown myself in last night.

I've never actually forced myself to listen to ditzy notes and mindless lyrics. It's quite refreshing for a change.. I've only got to keep this up for another few hours or so and I'm positive my brain will slowly dissolve into mush. If it hasn't already. Maybe if I continue thinking in my current state of mind brain juice will start seeping out from the corners of my ears. I'll probably taste it, and decide that beer tastes nicer.


Anyway, a continuation of mindless ranting:

As I was saying, Cal and Lil' Wong will hopefully keep me in check. And I can't remember the rest of the stuff which I wanted to say about them, so we'll leave it as that.

And I think I would have wanted to give an account of an Army Man's Party. I guess a good summary would inevitably include drunkards and bad singing.. but that wouldn't do Master and the SGTs any justice. They sang pretty well, or probably because we were so groggy even screeching sounded like sweet whisperings. The pool competition was exciting; Kyle won by flukes on the way. The final was a classic, one more at home in a movie scene. Black in, white in, and victors switch accordingly. I'm more pleased to say that I managed to escape bowling.

So, less fondly perhaps than I thought I would, I wave goodbye to my friends disappearing in the distance.


The last item is really an enigma. I have no idea whether it's good or bad; I just know I'll probably die. Stay-in puts paid to any activities which I had in mind. Being on course means I'm busy most of the time. Being posted to base is altogether a different matter.. I'll probably be able to look for her all the time. Heck, I'll even have the mood. But now, the door is completely shut.

It doesn't matter whether I confess now; it's never going to work out. I can choose to take the load off my chest, or let her be happy and unperturbed. A gamble that will only benefit me, yet I'm uncertain. Because she's going to be disturbed. I shouldn't care but I do.

Anyway, we'll see tomorrow. Some part of me is hoping that she'll suddenly come up with some excuse. The other feels dead.

~

This is strange. As I'm writing these words now its actually 2231. That's nearly 3 hours past the mark.. I'm feeling melancholic, as always. Maybe more so, because I watched Shoot! on Channel U. The issue at hand was relationships and sex. The less significant details included Xiaxue's appearance.

I found the opinions stated by the youngsters' side quite up to expectations. Meaning that their comments were worthless.

This point was quite interesting though. It's in Mandarin, and translations are always off the mark. But it went somewhere along the lines of this: Guys do not value a girl's worth by her sexual offerings, or more plainly, her body. He'll want to know she's the one, and the best way she can repay him, is live up to his expectations and return his love. What crap haha. I think this topic has outgrown it's value.

There are so many ways of looking at it.

6 months have passed since I entered NS.

There are 16 months before ORD.

Roughly 506 days to passing out.


It boils down to the same thing, ultimately. A cycle that meets it's end, eventually. As all things do.

~

Most of us from BTT17 are leaving OETI. Only a few will stay on as possibly instructors, or just common technicians. GSMB people make up the biggest portion of the posting.. from the last count it was nearly 30 out of 46, which is excessive by any standards. To some extent I wasn't that pleased at all when Lance failed to mention my name. Seeing the happy faces around me (most probably because they thought staying-out would now become permanent), many thoughts were rushing through my head. My little band of brothers: Derrick, Kylie and co. all in base. Where was I going to end up in?

40 SAR.

Armour unit! I'm going back to be a normal soldier.

Slacking suddenly seems so far away.


But after it sunk in, everything fell into place. For one, it's a stay-in camp. Everyone's been repeating among themselves how a certain retard has been complaining about travelling and monetary issues.. I must confess I'm the one. Imagine the money I can save. Desperate now, mind you. Even twenty bucks can be priceless.

Calvin and Zihao's going in with me. That's a relief. Having 2 buddies can be a huge source of comfort, quiet and sane ones at that. Dependable and solid.



I think I better stop here, or I'll be late for pool.

I tried my best reading through a few blogs today. Upon reaching a particular friend's online diary, the same bewilderment as to why people find pleasure in self-torture finally brought me to my senses. I like reading; books the thickness of dictionaries and encyclopedias do not daunt me. A page long of miniscule words, promising no insights but an extended and over-elaborated day which the person in question found intricately "interesting" and "amusing".. I really should throw in the word "exciting", since two of it's most over-used buddies are already present in full force.

I know I repeated the use of repetition twice earlier, and now I'm doing it again. It's mainly to stress the length effect. Reminds me of a typical econs essay I once slogged over.

Nonetheless, being a nice and concerned friend I usually am.. the entry was covered painstakingly. Orange and yellow combination is certainly refreshing (is it the "in" thing now to have bright yet bland colours for a blog? because if it is, you girls have lost me). If you want a pair of sore eyes. Ya.

In any case, the verdict for that particular post, or the whole blog for that matter, has just been completed. I'm aggrieved I even spared the effort at all.

~

Just seconds after I completed my ranting, my very own haven received it's very own blast of criticism. I welcomed it with opened arms.

~

Tomorrow's the last day of the "A" Mech course.

And I'm listed for bowling.

I'm assuming when SGT Keith firmly told me that under "no conditional terms" was I to withdraw or escape, he means that Master has his hand in this. I was just about say that nothing short of extras and confinement would make me throw any bowling ball.. The futility is marked with the tone of finality. I tried breaking my finger, to no avail.

Even in this little incident with little or no significance, I realise what people actually meant when they called me a coward. I am one. If one dares to dream, one should have the courage to pursue. Thinking only presents the outline for a solution; it has no bearing on the circumstances experienced in actual reality.

My cowardly actions demand I take a cleansing to remove the stink. Or can I make up for it, for taking a bold move into the realm of the relative unknown?

~

"Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly."

- Langston Hugues.

Braces are nothing but a pain in the mouth. How I hate them.

But I have no qualms about it. A long term investment.. they'll be out just before I enter college. I tried arguing with Mr Dentist that my top row of teeth were perfectly okay, and being the professional he was, gave up his attempt to convince me. Which explains why I have wire binding my buck teeth. My mouth doesn't hurt half as much as my heart does; the money gone, plus the fact I look like Jaws now. I mean, the image wasn't that good anyway, but it just got alot worse. Being single just got a little clearer.

I have a digital camera. I am perfectly free now. But I refuse to move my arms so I can post a picture. Maybe some other time.

The more immediate concern, as of any living creature on this planet, is to find food. Food that I can eat. Morsels I can savour without grimacing every few seconds in pain. Something more solid other than milk. I beginning to hate the taste of milk; it's becoming a last resort for the last few months. I've tried banana, honeydew, chocolate.. it doesn't work out.

I missed the scent of blood milk.

~

Since I'll probably have 95% girls in my course.. it's time I stopped being a male chauvinist. I wish I had spent more time in JC trying to know them better. Being from a all-boys secondary school, as well as having many close guy friends makes it harder to really relate to girls. Having really tomboy girl cousins doesn't really make it better.

Speaking of girl cousins.. I grew up with them; my male cousins, with the possible exception of the oldest, always treated me like a little kid. When they were around, that is. Up to now, looking at all of them, I can hardly believe how much we have grown apart. Different views is one thing; not being to relate on any topic which equally interests us.. I'm wondering how it ended up like this. Especially my second and third eldest female cousins. I haven't spoken to them in ages. The last time was a half-hearted question "How's NS.." and I responded with a even more disinterested tone "Okay lar..". And suddenly this very interesting item came on the the telly.

What holds people together? Are common interests really that important? I would have thought every one of us would at least possess some form of curiosity in learning something out of our usual scope. It's difficult enough already to find many people possessing the same amount of frequency.. That is why we are given the ability to change. Maybe if I had tried knowing some juicy stuff about polys, could have tried striking up a conversation with my cousins.. at least pretending to know would have been better. Then maybe they would have wanted to know me better too.

I grudgingly admit I can do nothing about it for now. Repeat: Grudgingly.

It's past the overdue date actually. One week to be exact. I still haven't trusted myself to address this particular issue. And I'm not sure if I will ever know where to begin, and what to do when the moment arrives. But I've somewhat recklessly and senselessly decided, to attempt at least in explaining some part of it.

Sometimes I wonder why people would choose to be heroes, when one can be a villain. Doesn't it feel alot better to have nothing to care about, do whatever you want without worrying about other people's opinion. This thing about morals and accountability.. is it already that important? I don't really see the difference between Conscience and the evil voice at that back of your head that asks you to commit evil sins. Really, I don't. They just serve different purposes, with more similar guidelines than given credit for.

Anyway, that's not the point. I don't really care to admit it; it just hit me squarely in the forehead. Even at this age, at my own age.. I'm not mature enough to accept the fact that young people indulge in sex.

That confession just registered me for the label of an old "Prig" at the grand age of 19.

I've never really given much thought to it. To me, relationships should revolve around the spiritual aspect; the physical part pales in comparison. In fact, sex sould never, ever be the heart of any relationship. And, I know we are 19.. but I shall fight the overwhelming peer onslaught. We are not old enough. I don't see the point of us being physically ready, but emotionally suspect.

Subconsciously, I'm sure I knew that my friends weren't all virgins. Hearing one of them declare, unabashed and somewhat proudly is a major traumatising experience. Another twenty minutes or so listening to his accomplishments left me half-submerged in the pool; I felt so naked. His dirty secrets having permeated my body, a vessel corrupted I didn't recognise it anymore. It wasn't how it proceeded, it was how he viewed it. And I'm wondering if the girl saw that way too. If being deflowered meant nothing to her, I've suddenly lost all faith in the female population. What difference are we from hamsters then, other than the fact that we don't mate with our own blood? Basically we just see any stranger on the street, and bring them home to fuck. Fuck somehow seems appropriate now, because it's just merely a word, and having opened my eyes to the things I cannot see, I don't see what's the fuss about. So what if he fucked his girl? Why the fuck should I care?

Why? Because I love a girl, and I can't stand the thought of anyone touching her.

There's nothing I can do in the future. So fuck to that. It all comes back to selfish thoughts in the end. The worst part is, it can fucking come true. How ironic.


She might not see it that way.

~

Gifts and curses


Mary belongs to the words of a song
I try to be strong for her
Try not to be wrong for her

She will not wait for me anymore anymore
Why did I say all those things before I was sure

(She is the one)
But I have a purpose
(She is the one)
And I have to fight this
(She is the one)
The villain I can't knock down

I see your face in every punch I take
And every bone I break it's all for you
My worse pain are the words I cannot say
Still I will always fight for you

Mary's alive in the bright New York skies
The city lights shine for her
Above them I cry for her

Everything's small on the ground below down below
What if I fell then where would I go would she know

(She is the one)
All that I wanted
(She is the one)
And I will be haunted
(She is the one)
This gift is my curse for now

I would have preferred not to change blog address. Weighing the relative issues involved, however, forced my hand. It's not about prejudice against family members, or anything like self-isolation. I'm just uncomfortable about them knowing too much about me.. right now, my family thinks I'm exactly the same way I was a dozen years back.

The Family. What irony.

Let it remain that way.

~

For the past two years, I've been moaning about the fact that I'm not doing my best subjects, how my literature and history notes are relics of the past, the way I can't think like an Arts student anymore.. Maybe, IF I had a second chance, I could make it big. Form is temporary; talent is forever. Talent. Lots of it. All in me.

So I thought.

~

Dysfunctional. I wonder if that's the word to describe me now.

I'm frightening every one around me. I'm terrified of myself. Often, I end up wondering the reason for my behavior. I can't think properly, can't express myself clearly.

It's been nearly two weeks. I'm standing firm by my resolution to stay away from my feelings. I need strength to do it. Emotional, and some physical. Yet.. I've gathered most of my past support from her. She was my pillar in during the nightmares early this year; the source of comfort when I found myself lost, not knowing where to go. Now, I have to tell myself, I have to let go. No matter the pain, no matter the cause.. it's for the best. One month later, we'll be still friends. Nothing more.


I don't think I can do it.

Refraining from crowing about my own relative importance is, I'm proud to say, one of my stronger points in an otherwise rather flawed character.

Everyone's been saying that NJC weiqi won't be the same without me.. I'll be the first to admit this appeases my ego. But honestly, I had been hoping that they'll maintain, or even better the standards set last year. It didn't matter that Xu Dong and I didn't left off with the best of terms; the team mattered more. The fact that NJ dropped from top JC and 3rd overall to 3rd-placed JC and 6th overall is a testament to me, yet I don't feel glorified in any way.. RJ top, HC second? That's a shock. I wish they didn't need my presence; wish they won't miss my fighting spirit. But some things can't be helped. The sure will wasn't there.

I'm proud of my old comrade Yang though. He's been solid.

With all their legendary players, NUS sure didn't live up to any expectations. If you're a basketball fan, they were the Bulls. Soccer fanatics see them as Real. For girls.. I don't know. Probably a boyband formed by the hottest guy idols around? And they lost. To NYP.

Frankly, NYP is the Chelski. Of weiqi. Financial and adminstrative support. Can you imagine sending their students to SWA for free? I think one term would equal NJ's entire annual budget.. It's simply, to say the very least, not fair.

Had a long talk with my old teacher-in-charge Mdm Chiu, and realising in the process that I've really been away from the weiqi scene for a long time. Hwa Chong Institution is really blossoming; the young guns are hungry, and that is a lethal quality the old guard never had. No one doubts the '86 batch had pure talent, yet we were never as ruthless and competitive as our juniors now.. Can you imagine: HC is conducting classes for P6 kids. That's a milestone achievement. Anyway, Mdm Chiu wants to begin some old TCHS Alumni, and my old senior Jia Cheng's in charge. Old legends in Kao Jie, Li Yu and Xue Yan were immediately asked for their names and numbers, and they tore a page off my notebook. Asking for a beating, even if they are my grand-seniors.. Maybe I do miss weiqi. Could have played for NTU, but decided not to.

And, not feeling any tinge of guilt, I shall laugh at my old CJ friend for not getting any award. I've been rather pissed off with his cocky attitude, especially his playing for NUS part.. So there.

Honouring my pledge of retirement doesn't seem to be a good idea now.

~

She said we'll always be friends.

Maybe I just can't be friends with her. I just can't.

I suppose it's another case of "I just realised", and it usually means I have been forgetful and irresponsible. Some character flaws I've been trying rather hard to conceal.. I'd like to think I'm successful in removing some part, but I have to be truthful.


Ijustrealisedtodayislankecup.


How could I forget? Saying it fast doesn't make things better.

I'm 19, and not overtly concerned about the fact. Just a countdown to the end of my time; another year gone, never to return.

It says here in my script that I have to act happy [-_-"'). That's impossible.

And by normal blogging agenda, I have to blog down my birthday wishes. Write down some materialistic items, post some really enticing pictures of them.. hint really obviously to my friends that I really REALLY would want (insert something you would like), and cross my fingers high above my head. As in, almost, but not nearly, waving them in your face.. so that you can somehow guess I'm not joking. So, before you can start marvelling at your own unfounded intelligence.. I shall most unfortunately reveal that I'm not that sort of person, and your wallets are safe.

The sighs of relief are so pleasurable, one would think multiple orgasms were taking place.

A big thank you is on order I think. To those who remembered.. I regret to admit I'm rather unenthusiastic about my supposed special day, but really, I'm touched that you guys remembered. Leo and Reubs' pizza treat was great, and a surprise gift from BTT17 was out of the blue. I just wish I was a trifle more excited, but really, I am. My nose has not grown longer.

I guess I've just completed the first quarter of the mile. There's 3/4 more to go. And overall it's been an interesting excursion. Some unforgettable incidents, heart-breakers, hair-breaths.. maybe I got thrown off more than once, but always, people have been there for me. Always, when the string threatened to break, someone would always hold firm. Hence, I'm still here.

I would like to end off uncharacteristically for once. The future looks optimistic; I have no other reason not to think so. Stay tuned for more. I remain myself, as I was 19 years ago; matured, taller, perhaps darker.. but still the same person you once knew and will always know.

~

I spent the whole day pondering on whether I should feel upset that she hasn't wished me anything. Lots of thoughts rushing through my head, occasionally interrupted by some debate with various section mates. Made up my mind that I would not give two hoots about it. Be a man, and don't take little things to heart. Felt so proud of myself.. the tragic hero, finally breaking through the blanket if eternal darkness. Whether she purposely ignored, or didn't even bother to remember.. it didn't matter. SHE FORGOT.

*Melancholy*

*Self-pity/righteousness*

She doesn't care about me! I shan't about her then!


Then I realised. I've never even told her. Nor shown it anywhere. I delete birthday calenders.

How would she know?

It's so hilarious. I can't help laughing at myself. She's probably clueless, sound asleep. Dreaming of sweet nothings that don't include me. Lol.