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Designed and made by FsDesigns
Designed and made by FsDesigns
Saturday, June 11, 2005
It's past the overdue date actually. One week to be exact. I still haven't trusted myself to address this particular issue. And I'm not sure if I will ever know where to begin, and what to do when the moment arrives. But I've somewhat recklessly and senselessly decided, to attempt at least in explaining some part of it.
Sometimes I wonder why people would choose to be heroes, when one can be a villain. Doesn't it feel alot better to have nothing to care about, do whatever you want without worrying about other people's opinion. This thing about morals and accountability.. is it already that important? I don't really see the difference between Conscience and the evil voice at that back of your head that asks you to commit evil sins. Really, I don't. They just serve different purposes, with more similar guidelines than given credit for.
Anyway, that's not the point. I don't really care to admit it; it just hit me squarely in the forehead. Even at this age, at my own age.. I'm not mature enough to accept the fact that young people indulge in sex.
That confession just registered me for the label of an old "Prig" at the grand age of 19.
I've never really given much thought to it. To me, relationships should revolve around the spiritual aspect; the physical part pales in comparison. In fact, sex sould never, ever be the heart of any relationship. And, I know we are 19.. but I shall fight the overwhelming peer onslaught. We are not old enough. I don't see the point of us being physically ready, but emotionally suspect.
Subconsciously, I'm sure I knew that my friends weren't all virgins. Hearing one of them declare, unabashed and somewhat proudly is a major traumatising experience. Another twenty minutes or so listening to his accomplishments left me half-submerged in the pool; I felt so naked. His dirty secrets having permeated my body, a vessel corrupted I didn't recognise it anymore. It wasn't how it proceeded, it was how he viewed it. And I'm wondering if the girl saw that way too. If being deflowered meant nothing to her, I've suddenly lost all faith in the female population. What difference are we from hamsters then, other than the fact that we don't mate with our own blood? Basically we just see any stranger on the street, and bring them home to fuck. Fuck somehow seems appropriate now, because it's just merely a word, and having opened my eyes to the things I cannot see, I don't see what's the fuss about. So what if he fucked his girl? Why the fuck should I care?
Why? Because I love a girl, and I can't stand the thought of anyone touching her.
There's nothing I can do in the future. So fuck to that. It all comes back to selfish thoughts in the end. The worst part is, it can fucking come true. How ironic.
She might not see it that way.
~
Gifts and curses
Mary belongs to the words of a song
I try to be strong for her
Try not to be wrong for her
She will not wait for me anymore anymore
Why did I say all those things before I was sure
(She is the one)
But I have a purpose
(She is the one)
And I have to fight this
(She is the one)
The villain I can't knock down
I see your face in every punch I take
And every bone I break it's all for you
My worse pain are the words I cannot say
Still I will always fight for you
Mary's alive in the bright New York skies
The city lights shine for her
Above them I cry for her
Everything's small on the ground below down below
What if I fell then where would I go would she know
(She is the one)
All that I wanted
(She is the one)
And I will be haunted
(She is the one)
This gift is my curse for now
_'Jx]- faded at 9:29 AM
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