The door just won't shut, won't it?

Maybe I should try unhinging it.


I haven't felt so weak since BMT. A rather weird sensation, especially since it's only a little more than a week since IPPT. 8 km a few days ago seems so far away.. I guess that's what fever does to you. Or probably the feeling of emptiness has something to do with it.

I can't really differentiate between emptiness and relief. It could be either. Anyway, a name only indicates the possible existence of a certain object; it does not state whether the object is real or false. I could take both words, since it doesn't really matter. Or I probably would embrace the escapism theory again. The promise of the future is both nostalgic and distant.. if such a way could be used to describe it.


NTU classes have begun.

A little bottle with a wooden cap.

Ribbons the shade of purple and pink.

124 cranes, one for every day.

Lack of rest has taken a toil on me I guess; fever, as well as a totally exhausted mind.

Sticking by the task through day and night, in every place imaginable.

Something so sweet and beautiful, into the hands of the unappreciative.

Please tell me it's worth it.

It's been quite a while, but I've been looking forward to burning my weekends. Might sound a lil' crazy and retarded (what's the difference?), but I like life in camp. Not that I'm terribly fond of being perpetually surrounded by fellow males.. and I still haven't found the aunties at the cookhouse attractive. The idea of PT every single day hasn't sunk in yet. If I continue listing the reasons I might change my mind.

Anyway, back from a totally absurd guard duty.

I spent my first 1.5 hours stoning at the sentry post, with this RP looking on with an amused expression on his face. Probably because I was overly anxious to high-port correctly to any passing officers.. or maybe my attempt to put on a front of calm just completely gave way when 2 vehicles travelled opposite directions. He just couldn't stop shaking his head.

"Is this what NJ taught you?"

"Sorry corporal, I don't get what you mean.."

Mindless banter. A few lines later, to his utter shock and my absolute disbelief, the senior-junior relationship was uncovered. TCHS, mind you.. I have severed all links with NJ. Anyway, after the discovery, my senior obviously deemed it fit to guide his younger and inexperienced half-pint. One moment he was laughing at my mistakes; the next he was anxiously correcting them.

The next moment, we were discussing the flowers of AJ.

And then, my senior suddenly exclaimed, "Hey, you're a A mech right? New guy, Archer company.. the Joseph Ang you mentioned as your driver.. OH! You are the one who likes.."

It was all in mandarin. But to cut the long dialogue short, my dear driver had shot his mouth off the night before when he was the sentry. And he had talked in great detail about me.

Imagine the bugging I had to endure after that.


Before it slips my mind, I would like to declare that I achieved SILVER for last thursday's IPPT. The 100 bucks, not to mention the skipping of tuesday and thursday PT.. I can't decide which is more attractive. Or I could actually put in the pride factor. At least no IPPT for the rest of this year.

The ICs all failed. Their aura of invincibilty is gone.


Dental appointment soon. Tightening of braces.. it's going to hurt like crap.

It's been 11 days, 1 hour, 5 mins, 36+ secs since I last posted. An irregularity not seen since BMT's 2 week confinement. In truth, it was intentional.

I want to change.

I have changed.

Was it really that difficult?


I guess it was.


I didn't want it to conclude like this. Not at a moment of irrationality, or such careless flippancy. I didn't meant it that way either. I didn't mean to say anyway. It was just the wrong time and even more abdominable situation present. When everything had the penchant to turn out the worse way possible. I won't have said "yes" myself to such a sudden relevation ("Is he serious or what?"). So if I was expecting something..

Something didn't happen.

Maybe something did. But I can't remember.

It's okay. It was never meant to work out anyway. Guess it's time for a new start. Or just a simple pause to really work out what I really want. And how I intend to go about it.

But for the last time.. I wish I never met her.


What's new anyway? My pool's impressive. My lan gaming skills are faltering. 3 days in outfield made me tougher. 3 days of excitement which could have been elaborated any other day. Combat PT is killing me. I'm constantly involve in the stupid NDP. Corporal rank on the way, if only not in name. Fitting in nicely into 40 SAR. I had to say that. Tried to get drunk on vodka last night, but failed. Saw some old friends who couldn't recognise me. Bah.

I guess it's true. Friendships are worth more; at least they last forever.


I didn't think it would end like this. But at least it's el7jx.

I'm wondering if I should respond to the armysucksandwhohastherighttosayit topic. Then, I realised that I had something more important to think about.

Add the fact that I have to leave home later at 2145, we arrive at a very foregone conclusion.


It's fortunate the office guys chose to increase our nights-out timing.. it doesn't seem like much, from 2130 to 2300. But it makes a difference, whether one can actually choose to return home, or just hang around Lot 1. A contrast between rushing back, or taking a leisurely stroll.

Today was a super tiring. Tomorrow I'm going to be the only Archer left.. all the regulars are going on some course, while the smaller-ranked punks went on leave. It's not fair really; it means I'm going to be attached to the loser sergeant, whom I cheeked today. 6 more months to endure.. it's not that short really. Corporal in 2 weeks, so I guess I'll have more authority then. All the men are getting theirs a few weeks before ORD, so lording over them somehow has become a reality which I intend to exploit fully.

Churning out 30+ cranes per day. At the rate I'm going 143 should be no problem at all.. does anyone know what the special number means? I have no idea; Subash told me it had a unique meaning attached. I suppose only girls know about it; I'm clueless. At least it's better than the initial 1314 I intended.


I'm sorry for being so mean, sorry for being so blunt. But life isn't easy. La.

Reeling after the shock last night, which thankfully for once does not concern me. But.. but.. I'm still wondering.. why him? It's a him that doesn't have anything to do with me. It's not that I don't like him. It's just that I don't really like him as a guy. Bi-sexual-wise I'm not that certain; if somehow his feminine side really attracts me I'll probably give in just a little. Not alot though.

Or maybe I don't like him.

Sometimes I'm absolutely puffed up with confidence; most of the time I suffering from inferiority complex. If I said my down self still felt superior to him, would it make things clearer?

Baffling. This is a typical case where the point has completely lost me. The girl has obviously gone for character. His sincerity moved her. It's so damn irritating; I'm so jealous. Envious of his success, respecting his courage in revealing his feelings. Above all, I admire his single-minded will; he stuck with what he wanted to do, perservered, and now he reaps the rewards. So the underlying question is..

Is it possible, that girls go for character?

I'm a bastard sometimes.

~

Dropped by Queensway to buy stuff with Cal. Came away with a Underground shirt, a pair of jeans, and the sad conclusion that poor guys shouldn't go look at shoes. The shirt was pretty nice, and so was the pair of jeans.

Splurging.. splurging. I wish I had the financial means.

5 more days before pay-day. Another trip to Queensway would be nice.


The sun is damn good today. And seriously, being stuck at home is annoyingly frustrating. I didn't swim last week, meaning it's the second consecutive week I haven't bathed in the sun. It's all Qixian's fault, and then Swee Lee had to join in.

Argh! I can feel the rays touching my little toes..

Pass what boots la! What about my swimming?? I need my tan! Otherwise I'll lose whatever I built up for the past few weeks.


So SIAN. I'll be back next week.

Dover Beach by Mattew Arnold


The sea is calm to-night.
The tide is full, the moon lies fair
Upon the straits; on the French coast the light
Gleams and is gone; the cliffs of England stand;
Glimmering and vast, out in the tranquil bay.
Come to the window, sweet is the night-air!
Only, from the long line of spray
Where the sea meets the moon-blanched land,
Listen! you hear the grating roar
Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling,
At their return, up the high strand,
Begin, and cease, and then again begin,
With tremulous cadence slow, and bring
The eternal note of sadness in.

Sophocles long ago
Heard it on the A gaean, and it brought
Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow
Of human misery; we
Find also in the sound a thought,
Hearing it by this distant northern sea.

The Sea of Faith
Was once, too, at the full, and round earth's shore
Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furled.
But now I only hearIts melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,
Retreating, to the breath
Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear
And naked shingles of the world.

Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

I've missed the 1-year anniversary of my blog. That's so sad, it makes me want to sulk for 4.56897 seconds and then continue with my life.

Maybe I'm not sure if continuing is such a good option.

Having said the two lines of crap (above), it's nice to know this place still exists. At the rate it's going, I'm not sure if it will last another year; not going to keep my fingers crossed about this, since it seems so trivial now. I'm not saying anything's really of real significance, and I'm even less sure of each individual item's place in life.. And the way I'm going round and round the topic without any purpose nor direction is an absurdity itself. So I'm going to stop.

~

40 SAR is like a second home now. Considering that I spend more time sleeping there than I do at home, it's not really that surprising. Now that my locker's in place, the gym's easily accessible, I'm more used to my bunkmates.. I guess it's working out pretty well. And that's not to spite those army-whiner-hating girls.

There are glitches here and there. Like, even now, I'm not sure of what to expect from my IC. Incidentally, he's no longer 1SG Heng, but rather SSG Heng. The other two SGTs Chee Chein and Ah Heng (no relation) are friendly to the point it's scary. Other that fact that they treat me like a little kid, I guess I will never have more approachable upper-studys. The only bad point is they prefer to teach me slowly, and time is not a luxury I have.

In continuation to the previous paragraph, Tuesday was an interesting day. I was on my way to the workshop for another hard day, when I was whisked away on a tonnel. Somewhat like an intriguing trip on the Magic School bus or something.. I'm wondering if anyone read The Flyaway Cottage or The Wishing Chair. Anyway, I soon found myself looking at the biggest rubbish chute I've ever seen in my life. Cal and I did a calculation, using time (counting "1000, 2000..") and simultaneous equations. It was nearly 45m tall, and we haven't even taken into account the amount of trash inside. It was fun anyway, tossing the pieces of scrap metal and tracks into this huge pit. Tuas just shows how much resources we waste anyway.

Base 1G was the next stop, and it seemed like coming back to some place of the past. And boy did they look slack. The sergeants and men there.. my old section mates looked fat and contented. The major surprise was finding Salas, Gordon and even Gan in the cookhouse. Then I saw SGT Keith and Lim and.. I'm rambling now. But I should have wrote this down a few days ago. Basically I'm just trying to say I saw many old aquaintances there, and to prevent this from becoming the boring entry it already is, I shall cease my comments here.

Blue berets! HA! I'm a BLACK beret.

It's beyond, a trace of reasonable doubt, that unit peeps learn way more than base people.

Chuwei was really tickled by Keith. I guess he didn't realise how much fun his brother had here. Right now, it seems like everything happened so long ago.

And, though is a superhuman effort yet trivial matter, I would like to mention that I cleared my IPPT with an injured right leg. Not trying to boast or emphasize an INJURED RIGHT LEG, but I think any moron can get the picture.

In all, I think it's a welcomed change to say that I don't whine. Sue me.

~

I'm thinking: there are a few thousand guys doing NS. There are hundreds of vocations. It takes a hell lot of coincidence to put a driver and a specialist together. Why the fark did I get this guy. Why of all the pre-arranged events in the future pull our fates together; I don't know. In the same company. I remember we were sitting on the couch, where all the big shots were settling important stuff with us, and they actually let us choose the company we wanted to be in. I was saying "I'll be C, Calvin be A.. wait, I want A." And I'm now an A technician. Chuwei could have been my driver, but by some freak chance he ended up in support for accidentally fixing a component. So it's me and Joseph, working closely together for the remainder of our service.

I'm not blaming anything. It's just destiny. Calculate the probability and I think there will be alot of blown calculators.

But if I didn't meet him, I wouldn't have got the final piece of the jigsaw. He holds the key; now he's unlocked the door. I'm bemused. Joseph isn't involved personally. He's just the centre stage linking everyone together. And repeat: There's no other person who could have done that. He's just the only one.

Now I know the reason for everything. And there's only one way which I can go.

I feel so useless. Like some fool who prances about but doesn't even get the basic applause which is laughter.. I should have known when my friend gave me her number and urged me to get close to her. If I had been a little more tactful, more caring, I would have known immediately what to do. Perhaps I can blame my friend for not telling me everything, but probably he thought I would find out myself. I guess I failed as a friend; I wasn't there when she needed me the most, and I can't escape out of the shadow. She's been hurt, by a mountain I can't surpass. Regardless of whether it's hollow inside, the task remains daunting. It's been a couple of days, 34 hours.. yet "stupid" rings still in my head.

Nightmares periodically following after each dies down; I wonder if the blackbird has sang her last song.


I often think about what I write. It's interesting, for once, to analyse the entry like I don't know who the writer is. Just commenting on what his views are and stuff. For the writing above, I see no point in dwelling. As a neutral party I find this plot amusing; it seems directly taken from some movie. See the usual trends: average guy, pretty girl, handsome/rich ex, events building up slowly, friendship vs relationship, taking steps etc. I would even say it's an exaggeration. I mean, how can real-life situations be so dramatic. It's unreal; it's a story made out of loose pieces of imagination. Assuming it's true, what is that guy waiting for. If it's inferiority complex, account for his loss himself.

I pity him though.


43 cranes and counting..