Just got back from range, had a farked-up relevation and a even more screwed-up shoot, wasted 30 dollars on cab-fare.. I don't even want to continue. I might just break down in tears in cry my heart out. Suicidal tendencies might just rise from the deeps of my lonely soul, and make me so depressed I might resort to watching porn. And the most cruel thing is..

I don't have porn. Damnit. Okay I've not reached that stage yet.

It's okay to be human. I guess that's just so not true.

It isn't healthy abstaining from writing. Events pile up, and there's no way all the stuff can be compiled into an entry. I'm freaking lazy, so I'll just use point form.. an old friend did that during Sec 2 Lit test, and he scored 80 marks lower. But there shouldn't any problems here..


1) I didn't get 3 extra guard duties. 20 orderly duties instead. I have no idea which is worse.. being the normal human being I am, I'm inclined to be pissed with the verdict.

2) Aced the SAR21 test. But so did everyone else. It was hilarious the way it was conducted.. a total contrast to BMT.

3) Dance concert postponed to Dec. I'm not even sure if I should go. Though I already agreed.. Damnit.

4) Got knocked out of the pool competition on Wed to a medic. But gained my sergeants' respect with some skilled shots.

5) Saw the next batch of 40 SAR sergeants (combat), and most of them are my BMT mates. Shaun and Sebastian are in Archer, which is a stroke of luck.

6) Ran 10km, came in second again. I was so disappointed that I forgot to be tired. It's miraculous how a change of mood can take away the fatigue.

7) I officially have an attitude problem.


After yesterday's soccer session, I felt normal again. It's been a long while, but I've been feeling out of sorts lately. Been showing some serious attitude, and a very explosive temper I thought dormant for some time. Heck, I even got some really good natured, un-pissable people totally infuriated. And I didn't even feel remorseful.. just a tinge of indignation at their lack of tolerance. I'm not even sure if I'll attempt to change.

Anyway, I've been thinking. Being in the same team with Zp and Bobby was really great. Of course, they being Leo's friends, I obviously lack the chemistry their team possesses.. But as Leo puts it, "we've got one heck of an offence." Zp's one siao kia who moves his feet so fast with his superb ball control, it's scary at times. Bobby's some ultra-solid middleman with some neat touches aand a cannonball shot. Of course, I showed exceedingly bad grace, purposely humiliated some possibly nice, over-enthusiastic PRC, and tried to ram some other guy's face because I thought he was showing attitude. Unfortunately I failed.


My all-time court team:

Weixun (gk)
Gan
Josh
Bobby
Zhipeng
Jx
Alphis


Man.. dream team. But sadly I don't think it will ever materialize.


Going back soon. In like 29 mins. Sian.. Don't even have the time to vent my frustrations at Project Superstar. It's totally savage hypocrisy. Maybe next entry.. No offence to Kelly, but her name gives me a weird feeling. And I support her for the wrong reasons.

Anyone fancy a job that is worth S$480 per hour?

It's not that difficult. Firstly, you gotta wake up at 0853 when SAF requires you to report before 0900 hrs. Then, you have to really take your own sweet time and wash your face, brush your teeth, and shave your hairy chin (if you have one). Run down, flag a cab, make sure it runs through all the expressways so the fare adds up to roughly 10 bucks. Lastly, and most importantly, you've got to show attitude and not give any good excuse to the sergeant-in-charge, so that he gets infuriated and gives you 3 extras straight away. It helps when you fought with the sergeant on the street soccer court some time ago, like last week.

Since one extra, when you do it for someone, is worth 50 bucks, so that's 160 for 20 mins work. Where else can you find a job so easy, yet pays so well? You get your weekends eaten up in the process too!

.. who am I kidding.


I went to the guard room for the rubbish dump keys yesterday, and my RP senior was standing there. He said hello with an evil grin on his face. Sensing something fishy in the air, I ran off.

J J ANG volunteered to accompany me on the return journey. Being the dim-witted half-ass I was, I agreed.

Hence, another screaming, shrieking extravaganza ensued. What an embarassment. I should have known, but Joseph always has that stupid smile plastered on his face, so how was I to know..


Anyway, a continuation of the last post's entry on dreams seems in order. But by some coincidence, Reader's Digest chose to come out with Tom Cruise and a scientific report on dreams. Being the establish magazine it is, of course whatever I have said or will say doesn't carry and weight anymore. In short, I'm pissed.


There's this documentry coming up on Central. It's about a gigantic experiment, to me possibly the biggest ever. A project spanning 20 years, on 20 separate infants. Possibly we can finally find an answer to the perennial question: do newborn humans actually possess different thoughts and feelings? And if destiny does exist, can environment alter it? Imagine: 20 different upbringings on 20 innocent children. It's so cruel, so inhuman.. like objects for testing. But I'm all for it. Anything can happen. Imagine taking a gangster's child, and placing it in the care of some college professors. An entire change of a potential future.

Like the girl who talked in reverse language because she was brought up that way. Paul Jennings isn't such a bad writer, you know. He does have interesting ideas.


Attitude vs character. I use to think there was no difference. Apparently there is. Most of the people I've asked have placed attitude in the BAD category. Actually almost everyone told me to concentrate on fixing the fuel filter and shut up in case I drink engine oil again.. but anyway, Joseph says I have attitude. Cal says I have both, and immediately added that attitude is a subset of character anyway, obviously implying that he too thinks I have more attitude than I should have.. Nice way of avoiding too.

He's a guy with attitude. Sounds nice, at-ti-tude. Until the diction of attitude is thrown out, and by any standards, it doesn't sound very complimentary.

Attitude: An arrogant or hostile state of mind and disposition.

All my friends, mostly AJ buddies, have repeatedly stated she has the A-word. Cold and unassuming. Maintaining the kind of poise only school flowers possess the traits capable of. I had no idea how many people disapproved of my pursuit.. maybe rather faint whisperings beside my ear. I'm grateful, even though I have attitude problems, that my pals were frank with this issue right from the beginning; even more amazed when even disapproving, they gave me support and advice throughout the entire experience.

Anyway, I can't commit myself to anything. Just not that sort of person. Probably would appreciate a girl present as and when I need one, fulfiling the duties of a girlfriend when I want one, and disappearing when the need disappears. I guess the percentage of finding one such female humanoid in Singapore is close to 0%.

I remember one incident when I was sending her home. Halfway through my pal called and said they were waiting at the lan centre for me. And on reaching the bus stop, I didn't continue walking her back, but instead rushed off in a cab.

There's something wrong which I did in the incident up there. But I can't tell. Yet.

She's got attitude. She takes things for granted. She's not the most desirable girl on this lil' island that just turned 40. But I guess we all want things we can't get easily. It's weird; doing stuff when you know it's not right. Maybe we do convince ourselves that some things are better for us when deep down inside it probably doesn't matter. Something like, I don't like orange, but since you give me apple and refuse me an orange, I simply have to get the orange. It's not the matter of desire, rather the resentment and spite that materialises automatically. Joseph sometimes jokes that since both of us have AP, we'll probably work this out somehow. I'm thinking a really short-term relationship, with alot of spatting and struggles. But somehow, I think I might have enjoyed it, even knowing an emotional heart-break lies in wait. Flawed character perhaps..

*Gasps* Did I say character? Or should I have called it attitude?

Just back from Raiders. Walked some considerable distance with Sl, each occupied with a constantly vibrating phone, both painfully trying to wiggle out of identical uncompromising situations.. Honestly if my life's going to revolve around gaming I ought to just lie down and die. Been looking at the same little characters scrambling around, stunning then killing, then again stunning and killing.. If there was any excitement in the first place, I'm sorry to say it has somewhat taken it's leave rather discreetly. Or gone AWOL.

If I haven't mentioned this before, gaming brings the worse out of people. Especially guys. I'm not sure how you can actually lose any civility playing Maple Story, but lately every DotA game I've played seems to end off on bad terms between the two sides.


Chat-log of a bad-blooded match:

Beng1: u all tyco one. wan rm la. rape ur asses.
Jx: kp wad. lose den tok so much.
Beng1: ..
Beng2: dun sia lan ok. u damn noob lor.
Jx: watever la.
Jy: lose dun kp la.
Beng1: knn. wanna meet at entrance anot.
Jy: win dat time nv say anithing. now lose den rm. loser lor.
Beng2: we settle outside la.
Jy: ya la. we scared arh.
Beng1: or toilet.
Beng3: come com 93.
Jy: dun wan la. we lazy.
Jx: wan come com 42. dun take ur time hor.
Jy: zZz.
Beng1: fuck. u wait there.
Jx: walk somemore.


For that case that guy really came over. But I guess the sight of 4 NS men sitting there ate his courage. So he just asked for a rematch, rather politely. Which we obligingly raped his ass again.

I'm wondering if there's a need to actually agitate each other over a stupid game.


I'm not anti-nationalistic, or anything like that. But having missed every single NDP parade since 1986, save the 1997 compulsory excursion, the urge to watch patriotic peeps perform for the country was non-existent. Wasn't even really that enthusiastic about running the relay, though I confess the thought of appearing on national telly did make me think twice about the option.. As usual, I left it to peer pressure. And most of us went home ecstatic. Fabian's spastic smiling face told the whole story.

Army's just about the cheapest labour you can ever find. Even Banglar workers cost a few cents. If there's any service that actually pays you and works it's ass off, please tell me.


In BFG, Roald Dahl mentioned that dreams were compounded by many little snippets of thought. I'm thinking there's actually more truth in it than I previously derived. For example, if you've been, or rather I've been (since I don't know what anyone's thinking except myself) worrying about a major obstacle in my life, eg. climbing the low rope in SOC, vertically upwards, I'll be having a dream about climbing a mountain, or something close to that.

There was this period of time not so long ago, when I was actually guilty about the way I treated her. Or rather the disinterested way in which I tried to win her heart.. anyway, the dreams came about almost every night. All with her in it. All with me treating her well. All with her smiling at me. But the thing was, all the scenarios included other stuff on my mind. I waited for the bus to my camp, and in one dream I met her at the same bus stop, waiting for the same bus which never materialised.

Is there a difference between our conscious and sub-conscious mind? Two separate entities.. that's scary. Imagine two souls fighting for the same body. But strangely, there seems to be a compromise between the two; maybe different time-shifts.

Just think about instances, when you were actually awake, but felt that you had no control over your own actions physically. Like everything was on auto-pilot. Maybe that's how being possessed feels like.


Kinda dead now. Continue tomorrow; I'm not halfway finished yet.

The clouds are getting HEAVIER and DARKER. And Swee Lee that fat dude is still running. If we drag anymore the sun rays will soon disappear. I don't want to appear on TV with contrasting-coloured arms, running in skimpy semi transparent short shorts..

Darn, the cold wind blows. (1102)

Yay it's back! (1103)

Darn it's gone. (1105)

ARGH IT'S BURNING HOT!! I GIVE UP!


CPL Ho Jiaxuan. Can we please skip the corporal rank and jump straight to sergeant.. it's like having an appointment at 1pm, and having to come back to camp around 430pm when booking out time is around 515pm. Totally pointless. I can't order anyone about because my rank's too small, yet I get all the responsibilities a sergeant would kena. So it doesn't make sense. Ah Heng's dislocated arm is keeping him away.


If I ever complained I was one unlucky ass, I take back everything I said. Call it chance or luck, but I fought so hard for a sentry post, only to find out sentries had a special day. NO rest LOL. But I admit it was pretty spooky running about the camp compound at 2am in the morning. The trees became taller, the lights flickered, and the dogs howled in a distance, some 30cm away..

After all it was the first day of the 7th month, on the Chinese calendar anyway. I'm ashamed to say an Indian told me that, but anyway.. I was flanked by 3 dogs on the way, with Fabien loitering behind. Got so bored by his love stories.. but it did help pass the time rather quickly. I'm amused by him calling me an asshole; he isn't the first one, definitely not the last.

With Martin, now a 2SG, and SGTs Loo and Lam, the duty was more endurable than the last one. SSG Phua made things alot better too.


Block leave the next week for 5 days. Wonder what I'll do with it. Everyone's so busy.. maybe I'll practise for the pool competition. Or the final clan match against Leo and friends.. the teams are finalised, we can't lose. But there's this ominous feeling that refuses to go away. What if Salas and Taffy can't hold up? What if Swee Lee can't produce the performance his intensive training promised?


I was bored so my resolve crumbled. The guilt is tickling me. I'm never myself at night, especially during the weekends. I can never close the door.

I started this entry with the intention of another lamentation, this time about this song by James Blunt. Not really bent on ripping the lyrics to shreds, but it's really quite a wistful song, the lyrics of You're Beautiful. But no matter how meaningful a song is, it's worth decreases rather drastically with excessive playing. Rather sick of it now actually.


There's this article in Zaobao, the headline being qing chun, Youth. I'm actually quite surprised I can still read Chinese.. Anyway, refreshing for a change; the way it adopted in bringing across the writer's viewpoints wasn't the typical preaching-I-told-you-so. Rather, it was like poetry. It goes something like this, translated rather badly:

Youth is,
Looking beautiful without make-up.

Youth is,
Taking every setback in stride without fear.

Youth is,
Loyal friendship without asking for returns.

Youth is,
Believing without any trace of self-consciousness.

Youth is,
Being happy without financial power.

Youth is,
Innocence without worries.

Youth is,
Something we never appreciate till it's gone.


I told you my translations are pretty bad. But if anyone's curious, it's under today's paper. Or some recent edition. Words which only an artist can imagine.


And off I go back to camp.