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Monday, September 26, 2005


After longing for a day-off for as long as I can remember, I find myself stuck at home, watching anime and pulp fiction. Beats being outfield any day, but by how much remains insignificant.


People say you're happier not knowing anything


Last week's foray into the dense forest was probably one of the many yet to come. But it was the very first time Archer moved together as one unit. Which made it rather special in some sense. Staff Heng, Subash, me and Joseph. Staff's mentioned more than once about a possible post out at the end of this year, but before that, it seems we've got a rather versatile, and lame, team on our hands. We do get serious at times, but those moments during working are unfortunately far and few between.. and when Staff loses his temper.

It wasn't that terrible an outing; in fact, we'll be hoping for more of these particular mishaps. As a result of some 64235 that broke down repeatedly, the recovery found itself almost permanently posted in base, 46 SAR. I remember the torrid few hours, when I struggled myself against the unyielding transmission filter at 12 am. The rest were floating in dreamland somewhere, and it was only after a tremendous and unsuccessful attempt that I sought assistance. The vehicle broke down again barely 2 hours into it's new leash of life, and I admit I gloated. Slightly. I mean, it shows that I didn't screw up la. Thanks to that fag machine, we got to stay in a mosquito-free area, so the failed effort was worth it.

Sheesh, I'm happy with failure. That's terrible.

Staff was reading Harry Potter all the way. It's so absurd, that till now, the few of us can't laugh yet. It's those kind of things that shouldn't happen, but just did, and any human reaction seems insufficient to cover the extent of hilarity.

Other outfields are unbearable; we have to run after all the other vehicles, rush here and there, hide in the bushes. But after Jo pulled out the cut-off switch literally, which Staff casually mentioned was the first, and probably the least likely mistake to make, we got the excuse to stay stranded. And in the nights our eccentric IC entertained us with various stories from the past.. the people that came and left Archer, the different ICs that took over, the weirdos who remain distinctive till this day.. he's got a funny side to him; cute isn't the correct word, but it's grostequely close. I guess our fear of him has evaporated. Or that's perhaps because I can fix fan belts better than he can lol.


But I'm sure I won't be satisfied


Bitten all over by sand flies, assaulted by squadrons of blood-suckers even though the timespan was shortened drastically.. outfield or even camp seems a more real place now. As in, it's unbearable at times, and I can't help but miss civilian life, especially when sitting in bunk, staring out of the window as cars flash by in a small road. But life outside seems like a dream now. It's not something I can hold on to, depend upon to make some sense of how life is coming along.

The mere action of doing something, even though totally irrelevant to my future, something I don't really like.. seems something I have to do now. Something I can lose myself in. It's so simple it's meaningless: repair, obey, or get fucked. But at least I know the cause and consequence will always be there.


I just want to live the life that I choose that's all


Teck's flown off to England. I'm going to miss that chap, even though we still can talk through msn, and even dota sometimes. But I guess life's going to be like that.. people just come and go.

What's a life of English Lit going to be like? It's a path I've chosen to embark on. A second chance given purely due to merit. I'm beginning to think I don't deserve it. People with far better grades and working attitude were denied, and I did nothing to earn the place. Just 2 essays and 2 interviews.. what was it they saw in me; I really don't know.

Was it pity that swayed their hand? Or the unlikely potential they see, which eventually could prove a visual mishap.


Your speed is similar to mine


If a friendship was based on a game, what kind of friendship is that?

If the game is no longer enjoyed, and the bond that was there is now broken, does it mean it never existed?

But it's true I guess. We need fun and games to hold us together. A purpose shared mutually by both parties. So we can really say "hey we're in the same shit together. That makes us comrades of some sort." Because you understand how I suffer, so I want your empathy. It makes perfect sense.

We make use of each other as stepping stones. There is no such thing as reaching above, or dropping below; only the direction one wants to go.


I become afraid of the endless sky


It's not the end yet, but I'm nearing it.

Subash came over last night, before Swee Lee left. Spent some time savouring some Redbull vodka, which tastes not bad. But it was rather an anti-climax; we forgot to call Joseph over, and two guys drinking is never fun.

Hence, my 2IC decided to irritate a ghost from the past.

I've seen Anuja quite a few times at Dr Chan's in the past. But hardly a word has been exchanged, which is quite a surprise, since we got on rather well during the first three months. She used to call me "chinese high boy", and I did return the same favour, though hers was quite a mouthful.

Anyway, Subash saw her and said "wot a looker", which I completely couldn't share the same sentiments as I prefer my own race (that's not a racist comment! I just like chinese girls more). I mean, I can't tell which is a chio Indian and such. Ya. Better not continue on this issue further. As I was saying, he started to chat.


Subash/Jx: hi
Anuja: hello?
Subash/Jx: hi darling. chat with me.
(Jx in the background, "Ah fuck.. I'm dead.")
Anuja: go away?
Subash/Jx: nah. hi again
Anuja: bye
Subash/Jx: hi


K I don't want to write what he wrote further on. It's kinda disturbing. But he was trying to pick her up initially, and for some really unnerving moments she thought it was me. Yucks.


How much longer do I have to keep on trying


Sometimes I wonder what I really want. Am I in love with her. If so, why can't I force myself to do those things guys in love do? Fetch her home consistently. Talk to her on the phone every once in a while. Talk without purpose.

If I can abandon a conversation with her, and chiong dota, there's something wrong with me.

I blowing a huge balloon, words out of my heart. But it's just air I guess, nothing concrete. There's got to be more to it than just mere encouragement on a weekly basis.

It's become like a chore. Love is supposed to be more than that. I'm feeling pressured; I run away everytime there is something. I'm demanding reciprocation for.. nothing? Is it peer pressure. If so, I'm doing nothing.

If there's one thing I learnt out of the last two years, it's that some things come better naturally. Somehow forced issues are bogged down with the reluctance factors. That's where the Jedi got their idea of "let the force flow through you." It makes some sense, actually.


The two of us can bring an end to this


But because of me.. there's no one else.

_'Jx]- faded at 10:36 AM