Seems like only a few days ago, I was just looking for the right words to describe the end of year 2004. Trying to imagine what life would be in NS.. away from the comforts of home, or even school.

Ended up writing more than a few choice words.


Year 2005.

Army's really an interesting experience. Despite the constant painful reminder that we are severely underpaid and ill-treated (subjective), the point must reluctantly, painfully, be conceded; we'll never grow up, mentally matured, if we didn't go through national service. This is coming from someone who loathes camp and regimentation, so it should be true.

Where to begin..

BMT = nightmare. Lol.. Meng totally ruined the "army experience" for me. However, if the truth be told, I wasn't that close to my BMT section anyway. Right now, previously stated, only Bong, Teck and Josh still keep in contact. The rest of my platoon (Tham, Xh, Bobo, Don, Ian), I see from time to time. Recently saw Sebastian and Tommy in camp, and we didn't exactly erupt into fits of joy. All they said about BMT mates being your life-long friends, peeps who went through thick and thin with you, your chums in the face of peril blah blah blah.. just simply the stuff of propaganda. It's been nine months.. and I think it was a facade all along.

Okay, I haven't admit this to anyone. But I have mixed feelings about being a technician.. sure, it's relatively more work-conducive environment; at least you can show a black face when something unsatisfactory crops up. Not that you can do anything about it, but trust me; being able to create your own facial expressions, and having to smile in disbelief, there's a world of difference. It may be the deciding factor on suicide or life.. BUT, anyway.. I'm really disappointed in my posting. I thought I'll at least be a SISPEC dog for the rest of my NS life, end up being a Sgt. But life's like that.. I got the best of both worlds and I'm far from satisfied. Think about it: I've got my 3 stripes, and I don't need to do SOC. There's only one place in SAF that has that, and I ended up in it. Combat life.. when one's in it, it's a nightmare. There are fools like me longing for it though.

I think I more than adequately described my 40 SAR life. Missed OETI dearly, not just for the stay-out, but it's relaxed lifestyle.


A lvls was a major nightmare. I thought I was done for. But yet again, like NJ did 2 years ago, NTU extended a hand. It wasn't the hand I wanted. Like it wasn't her hand which I wanted, it was hers. But for once I'm appreciative. Going to make NUS regret it again.. like HC did.


Hmm.. did I miss out anything?

Nothing of significance I think.

I've been living my life as a farce, when I could have enjoyed it.


Some things ah.. can then can. Cannot then forget it. That's my slogan for 2006. Enjoy.

The big shots up there just took Subash away from us..

Archer just lost it's latest 2IC. Losing another one in Kenneth. But K Jaw is different; he's not as emotionally attached to the company as my buddy was. K Jaw didn't go through the shit with me. K Jaw didn't have to face Staff's wrath in the early months.

And most of all, K Jaw had a Jx or a Subash to guide him.

I hate to see people leave. Especially one which I've been through so much together with. We got things done. We helped one another. Nothing else really matters.

After Staff's posting out, there will only be me and Yi Hong left. With Joseph of course. But it won't be the same.


Had dinner with Teck in the evening. He just got back from London, seemed quite out of place somehow.. abit to the hippie side? Nonetheless it's great to see him. Bong, Josh and Teck are the only three remaining BMT mates I keep in contact with; Jinni and Tiam Peng stare at thin air as we brush by one another. Andrew's a RP somewhere. The rest are specs posted to various locations, and Meng can go and die.


Someone just stripped my case bare-naked last night. I'm combing about for some relief, but my hands are still shaking.

Was it really that obvious?

I had two gatherings yesterday, one straight after the other. Both were reasonable successes; if everyone was present it would be more enjoyale (but since when does that happen anyway?). Before that, guard duty was a smooth affair. Had a spooky encounter at around 2247 on a lovely Christmas evening though, which really freaked me and Chu Wei out. It was this whiny, child's voice around the bushes.. which would be best forgotten.

I'm kind of rushing back to camp now for NTM. It's seriously retarded, and I especially hate this fuss over a pager. Pagers are officially redundant.

Doing guard on X'mas is a good thing actually.

It saves my mind on alot of decision-making.

It has been a great week.

It passed REALLY fast.

I think I slept through it. BFG once said (I remember writing this down before), an average child spends half his or her life sleeping. A 4 year-old is only 8. A 3 year-old is not 1.5, as quoted by the man himself. He's only 1. Get the idea? There was one day, Mon I think, when I slept for 18 hours. I didn't need all that rest; I just snoozed for 11 hours before that hibernation process. Heck, when Staff was screwing the whole team, I was snoring. He was so pissed he just walked off.

So technically, I'm about 5 years younger.


So that's my FTX. Nothing spectacular, or miserable in anyway. More like an excursion in the park. My only regret was that I didn't hitch a ride in the BV with Ah Heng at all.

There was one terrifying moment though. Right now, sitting here, I could have been without three of my left toes, starting from the biggest. Or even my whole left foot. After all, the weight of a certain SM1 is about 30 tons. I had most of it on my foot.

It lasted probably just a micro-second, but I'll remember it for the rest of my life.


And I'm not going India. Mixed feelings. I'll give a more throughout go-through tomorrow. After the 1G party SIAN.


Before I really knock out (and a few years off my age block), I would like to re-emphasize: please don't take my words as a vessel to convey what I truly feel. It's about 0230 as I'm writing this, and people tend to blurt incoherent stuff. Like: Jo has a nasty secret. Try and drag it out of him.


Oh. And I really need to buy flowers. La la la...

I seem to be dragging myself through the weeks. It really shouldn't be the attitude I have towards life, be it just 10 mths or 10 days. Just a manifestation of discontent and self-pity, threatening to run out of hand. The phrase "I'll have to survive this week" keeps popping out of nowhere; I'm not even sure if it possesses half the remainder of it's original value. It's just a continuous battle of sorts, where there is no fightback, no desperate struggle. Just a fight where one person lands all the blows.


Anyway..


I'm going for her dance concert later. If I can remember correctly, she has this blog-finder webbie, hence the possibility that she has found this place, if she bothers at all, is rather high. Should I mince my words? I guess so.. it's been some time anyway. Anyhow, I kind of thought I'll regret it if I didn't go, and strangely I don't. I'll just let it go, and pretend no one knows I blog at all. Let's just say I'm doing it for old times sake.

This thing about love and relationships and stuff.. I've forgotten about how I longed to see her in the past. How I let myself be bewitched by little actions.. the way I used to do things for her without any desire of reciprocation. Even the heart-thumping encounters seem to fade away in the light of reality.

It's like how we used to add KI to any agent, whether oxidising or reducing I've forgotten. The mixture is clear. Upon dousing the test tube with KI, it being clear too, a dark colour appears, slowly enveloping the concoction inside.

The spread of this dark mixture, is called disappointment.

And in science labs, even in the most desperate circumstances.. we don't usually try and save the resulting waste.


It's FTX tomorrow. FTX as in Full Troop eXercise. Everyone's on the move, and I'm pleased to blog down that Ah Heng and Tony are coming with Archer. If it was Weixin and Anson I'll probably be too sian and dulan to write anything down now. One major headache is, should I bring the portable TV? Or my radio? I'll fight hard for a place in the BV.

Small little issues here and there, just to keep the mind occupied. Since I can't get over the fact that I'm going India during Chinese New Year and V Day.. and I have duty on Christmas day itself.


I'm quite proud of the things I managed to write down today. Especially since parts of it are less true than I give it credit for.

Being the section leader of a screwed up workshop is just one of the few things in life one should always strive to avoid. Throw in a demanding and portentous 2IC (together with his hugely unsuccessful attempt at being a fatherly figure).. as well as a very tight schedule.. and the end result is highly undesirable.

To put it as the senior specs have done excessively, this week's been rather riot.

A safety check by higher authorities that might have yield more, if not for a last-minute decision to scavenge cigarette butts. The final count was 44; 7 extras for each, and we'll have the whole lot gone till we ORD. Tempting.

As I was scrapping at the bit of ash, imbedded in the murk of a very dirty drain, nasty thoughts were going through my mind. Angry thoughts, resentful feelings. All directed the beings shouting in the distance. Ordering people about again. Screwing young, bewildered youngsters, clueless about the imagery faults that appeared out of nowhere. Striking them, lashing across as tongues wag and tempers flare.

Yep, I survived. The scars are still bleeding though.


Any bright spots? Probably the help Archer has given me. Not so much about the amount, but rather the gesture. Sadly I can't repeat the same for others, those pillars which crumbled under their own selfish wishes.


The conclusion to a post of resignation: There's no one but yourself. If you want a smooth ride, that is.

Once again I left it late, and though it's been a rather good weekend, and considerably more fulfiled than most, I'll have to leave it to next week.

Next week..

I'll need to sleep through half of this week to make it through next week. Starting from 16th.

Less than 3 hours and I'll step into Hell again.

I'm whining again. Just feel so downcast and depressed.. this feeling of dread slowly closing around my heart. Leaves me uneasy, squirmish, and above all, restless. Being restless is pure torture; there doesn't ever seem to be a cure that comes even close. Something just chewing away at your soul, some creature you can feel, but your conscious mind tells you it doesn't exist. Can't help wondering what will happen tomorrow, or even tonight.

Hell, I'll be working as soon as I step in camp later. Some tensioner problem deemed too minor for the seniors to dirty their hands with.


There was one bright moment this afternoon though. Me and Py used the old Jug-PA combination which worked like a charm. It's been quite a few games we've played using the two characters, and each match seems to get better. Didn't really lose that many in the early stages, and by the looks of it, the next loss will be to real pros. Once I really armed myself with a MKB and S N Y, the victory was in the bag. Really too easy. Even Salas wanted the reins for a moment.

DotA seems to have lost it's place as an integral part of my life. Which is a cause for celebration.

Champagne bottles, everybody!


This thing about faith.. when do people know whether they've crossed the line. This thing about sin and guilt.. there is no black and white.


Pray for me people. Hope I survive the week.

There's something wrong with the task bar <= on my left. A minor ailment which is seriously irritating me because everything seems to be in order, which also means I can't find the solution to the problem.. embarassment and awkwardness aside, it does look a tad unsightly. Especially since it's PhotoBucket. But who am I to whine about these paltry issues anyway.. If we didn't have trivial problems nagging at us our attention would have to be focused on the big ones, and we'll be really really miserable. Anyway, who wants to waste time on the inconsequential?

I do.


Saturday night, which means in 24 hours I'll be back in 40 SAR. There's a whole list of important agenda which I really should have attended to on Fri, but off-days are hardly meant for doing urgent stuff. Getting an off for COC parade was already a bonus, but I kinda wasted it away playing and sleeping.

It's a relief to be able to enjoy the weekend though. Sgt Zi Jian came back on Thurs, and it wasn't the best of times.. the few of us under NTM almost got charged due to miscommunication and a blur cock IC who didn't even checked properly. Shifted the blame to us, expected us to be the meatshield when my BMI is only 17.71. For shame.


Anyway I'm too tired to continue. Just wanna mention: It's never too good to know someone too well. Refers to everyone.