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Saturday, January 21, 2006


When you think of a full troop expedition, especially something as important as a BPT ( Battalion Proficiency Test), we think of serious army personnel. Strict regimentation. Lots of untold suffering, only surpassed by true grit and nationalistic spirit.

I can't really continue since I have my future to think about, and getting charge for slander isn't the best way to see it through. Just picture a fat old man cooking mee goreng, with pork cubes and sausages, on a stove in outfield.

One other notable highlight of this trip, was the fact that the recovery team drove past a simulated minefield. It was declared down, and the few of us were declared casualties. I was supposed to fake a leg injury, and I did very enthusiastically, until I realised I was declared dead (from bleeding excessively). The medic pointed me to a mossy area, and said politely, "Sergeant arh, can you please lie there, and be still." I would have complied, if the mosquitoes didn't mount an assault the moment I slumped to the grass in mock agony.

(-_-"') ... seriously la.

So in this scene, I was a dead person. Everyone had a role to act.. and boy was everyone busy. Immersing themselves in imaginary characters, which they could never really see themselves being.


Rumours flying all about that all NSFs will receive a bonus during New Year. Assuming that for once some higher authority chooses to sprout the truth for once, I'll be getting 1 k in my bank account when Feb arrives. Sgt pay 700, Subash 150, bonus 150. I'll be rather alright for once, a nice sum to tide me over.

BWO has specifically stated that me, Cal and Lil' Wong are expected to return for the LRI this year.. since it approaches our ORD date, I can honestly say I'm pissed off for once, with the justified tag making it's rare appearance. What about our leave, and our accumulated day-offs? It never fails to amaze me how the army tries to squeeze every little bit out of us, yet regulars are nearly on a different plane of reckoning. Complex irony.

Note: It takes alot for Jx to be amazed. Right now the word is stupified.


I'm struggling to settle my thoughts. Barely two hours since I last shook the professor's hand. The reassuring pat on my weary shoulder; I can still feel his firm fingers as the grip lingers.

"Don't worry young man. It'll all work out."

Any ship that embarks on a voyage always has a destination. More or less a target to achieve. Not just a joy-ride into the unknown. Because life is short, and success has a way of evaluating itself. Because time is a one-way journey with no return ticket attached.

People often find themselves facing walled-up doors. Ladders that seem to be missing all the rungs in the middle. Maybe it's the end of the line. You spend your whole damn life building a tower of plastic cards, and then some loser comes and blows it down.

Rationality. Circumstances like this demanded it. Like a native to outsiders trapped in quicksand: "No use panicking, you're only sink faster!"

On second thoughts, they'll sink anyway.

It doesn't help that the weather is stifling. A breath of dust rising in circular motion from a car's wheel catches my eye, before a bus blocks my view. The bus moves on; the car is gone, like I never saw it. Everything is moving painfully slowly. Yet as soon as one thing disappears from sight I can't remember anything about it; the colour, the face, the attire. Like a dream, which every nerve in your body urges you to scream, but you can't. Because your voice can't be heard, and the magic of the illusion will be broken.

I hear myself murmuring, though no sound comes out.

"Please help me."

Divine help? Even in my mental state of confusion, I feel a laugh welling up in my throat. Me? Praying? After rejecting any form of religion, I find myself in this situation of absurdity.

Maybe, I tell myself. I'm going crazy.

Each passing moment stretches the period of hallucination. Suddenly the thought becomes lucid. The picture sharpens; the image appears before my eyes.

It could work.

Maybe, it had happened before.

Instinctively, my mind went to the next objective: A sacrifice. It was a big favour I was asking; I needed something to exchange. A swop. My palms were suddenly clammy. Something valuable to me. Something that would not affect the life I was used to for the last eighteen years, eleven months of my life. Something, that I didn't need, yet was worth more than anything I could find. I could feel myself working into a frenzy.

Yes. This could work. It would work. It had to work.

It was so insane. Surely miracles feed on insanity.

Anything... would do.

Please. Help me.


"Hey let's go. You've been waiting long?"


I looked up. Into her beautiful eyes. And felt a cold, cold hand clamp my heart.

_'Jx]- faded at 11:25 PM