i'm not really down in the dumps or anything like that. but this feeling of trepidation is just wearing me down, and it's not just a mental issue. mental insecurity translates to physical depression. and this thing about insecurity, it's becoming more of a hindrance than what i thought.

makes one wonder about the extent of inability to forsee the visible future. i've been asking 'like?' or 'can give me something that resembles an answer? a number? a word?'. and now i realise, it just doesn't work this way. you can't just give something a name and leave it as it is.

i'm not sure if my rehabilitation is complete, but yesterday's run about was probably the closest one yet. running after the player and ball wasn't a big issue like it used to be, and I even managed to recreate a life-long fantasy along the way.

having said all that, i must make a note never to over-exert. my arms are aching like crazy now. after last wednesday's crazy lesson and a terrified lorry driver, i shall make the sacrifice and not endanger pedestrians and road users.

tay was in a zone. i never thought i'll be playing with him. it's quite funny how things turn out the way you least expect it. but the way he was playing, anything would have went in.

i just had a haircut. it would have been so much easier if i could just settle for wigs, and not worry about hair length. or maybe revert back to life with a cap. cover up the mess within, like most people do anyway, till it tumbles all out and everyone shrieks in alarm "oh you've got HAIR?!..."

it's rather short this time, my hair. it looks neater, i look happier, everyone's happily surprised. oh the ironies of life.

i wish my hair won't curl so much. i left out the word 'sometimes' because it's a wish that remains omni-present, which increases a hundredfold when faced with a mirror.

finally the end of a long week. it had to end, after my immediate superior came up to me this morning with a very smooth speech on my manager's satisfaction with my mediocre performance. its nearly a dozen hours since then, but i'm still quite unable to dispel that uncomfortable feeling of being hoodwinked.

regardless of the complements deemed to be showered on me, whether they are false or true to an extent, is quite meaningless to me actually. it's not going to prolong my stay. after march it will be four months since i started work, which leaves two months to the end of my contract. renewal seems likely, but it doesn't matter if nothing happens. in fact, i won't mind a backpacking trip.

i would miss the people at wincor. really i would. especially those from archive and shipping. even production. nice, helpful chaps which have helped me through my first job.

life goes on though. it's better not to be bogged down with hi-bye friends, lest they take up space in the memory bank. which yields no dividends, at least not viable ones.


sometimes its better not to get something started. even more so if it has the potential to become something so wonderous and surreal, you are still left dancing on stage in the dark, even when the audience has gone, the backstage crew has left, and you're still blinded by the bright lights dimmed hours ago.

if you're going to enjoy the dancing tongues of flame, that lick the wood and shoot up high into the night sky, then burn with it. reduce to charred remains, to save the trouble of wishing the exact same thing when logic takes leave of it's master.


I spent the last three weeks beating down this touch of hope which won't stay down. and now apparently when it has the result i want, i can't deal with it. having not imagined and planned the path ahead, it's a lonely journey that awaits me. a terrifying one at that.

but no, don't take it away from me.

the whole building is shaking now. probably due to some earthquake from indonesia. it's hilarious, since they are reportedly not happy with us, yet the problems keep coming.

there was this girl in nj which i have never been able to fully forget. i never spoke to her, never knew her name, and never made any attempt to do so.

then that day i saw her again. at my cousin's birthday party. and suddenly everything came back.

it was the smile damnit.