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Thursday, April 12, 2007


i tendered my resignation on tuesday. it just seemed too much of a torture to go on. to wake up at six everyday, arrive in office two hours later to begin my exercise regime of scampering up and down like a squirrel that has lost its nuts. in all abject honesty, the money simply isn't that fantastic, not even remotely sufficient to justify the amount of slave labour generated every day.

i can't really concentrate at any rate. i know work takes the mind of things. but that is if the focus on the task at hand is strong enough to overcome whatever distraction that hinders the flow of thought. and right how, i'm not sure if anything can divert my attention at all. i know now, why smokers laugh when you shove a piece of gum at them and tell them it will work. it just sounds so juvenile, that you think you have the ability to change something so set, so unaffected by external factors, that you actually can put yourself in their shoes and tell them 'yes i understand.' i mean, what do you understand? how do you even come close to feeling another's emotions? how can you tell a cocaine addict you know how addiction hooks and kills you slowly and you can't break it off, when all you've gotten drunk on are shots of vodka and whisky.

what exactly did i lose? it doesn't feel like i lost my will to live, because i'm still here. but if purpose is what keeps one alive, i should be dead now. like a kite wandering about in the skies on a broken string, at the mercy of the wind and rain.

i never stopped to consider the amount of feelings i invested. all these years it was all about the potential and possibility. i didn't realise that part of my soul, along with all the material acquisitions, was thrown in this bottomless pit that had this 'hope' sign hanging over the entrance. it never crossed my mind that this was all a farce, that it would all end one day, and that day was yesterday.

_'Jx]- faded at 6:21 PM