this could be my very last post as a non-adult. after tonight i can't say 'hey dude, relax. i'm not 21 yet'. there should be alot of things i want to say, and there's this feeling i need to write all of them down. i owe it to the jx i have known over the last twenty years.

it's time to stop, and make some sense out of what's happening. slip into the eye of the mind, i don't know what i'll find. these oasis lyrics, they really get to me.


let's talk about childhood. i would like to extend a hand to my buddies of yesterday: weixiang, swan yi, chongming, yongqiang etc, hope you guys are doing fine. the class from 1e to 4e there. from 5d i have jiaming, glenn, jianghao, shuwen, lynette etc, who leave behind some fine memories. 6a'98 i'm still in relatively constant contact somewhat, so there shouldn't be any names.

names names and more names. to my chinese high sec 1 to 2 class, i have oliver, jerome, chen2, perryn, tak wee, zhenhui, jun cheng, yujin, ziqian, seetoh, kwok boon, wee kian and guys. sec 3 and 4 were nightmare years, but yea wanyang, xianghui, binghong, xiaoxiang and gang did make it better.

if i left out any guys, it doesn't mean you all don't matter to me. just means i ran out of space.
i don't really need to go into details about army and jc, because both were so recent. but to my classmates of s13 and the guys of 40sar, you really made life alot easier to get by. who am i kidding, but to a certain extent probably.

out of twenty years, ten has been mostly around soccer, computer games. but there have been snitches of basketball, pool and stuff.

as an adult, there is something called responsibility. damn it sounds quite bad. i don't think i want it. i mean, it's nice to be a kid and pretend that nothing is your business, at least not seriously.

it's been the same question that everyone's been asking me. and to some extent it's been something i've been asking myself too. it didn't really materialise out of nowhere; it appeared on the agenda some years back. all this time i should have constructed a mental barrier, or dug some hole to bury myself in.

why make twenty-one years such a misery. i suppose it's just a frank acknowledgement of one's inadequacies. that the last few years of impending maturity did so little to prepare myself for mental setbacks.

on the other hand, it's probably a wise choice to begin throwing the blame to others. it should work sometimes; i see people around me swearing at innocent friends and more often relatives, and it does seem to take the load off. or it could be easier with the shell method. like, hold it over my head and pull in my legs.


anyway, my driving lesson just got cancelled. this guy john, he claims that all his students pass first time. on first thought, it's reassuring to know that i'm not supposed to fail. however, knowing my reckless driving, wouldn't it be a miracle if i pass? there is always this song playing, which varies according to mood, in my head, everytime i come to a bend. believe me, it's not easy to concentrate, especially on monday driving sessions. jolin tsai day includes images.

so i should get my man utd jersey tomorrow? i want one; i'm long due one, for about ten years. i've got a laptop, a dog and a guitar, and i don't have a man utd jersey. just one of the weird things which i can't explain.

it was horrible today. my finishing just deserted me. balance, ground control, the old taking myself pass two and three people, but it just wasn't enough. the fourth person, always there. why don't i just give up and concentrate on pool. my lan skills haven't slipped much; at least not against un-skilled players.

i had a dream last night that i met her. it was vague, as all dreams are. a meeting after she knocked off, and we went somewhere to talk.

as all dreams with her in them go, i can remember her smile. the content is always clear only at that time; after i wake up coherent conversation turns into a mindless jumble of words. but not all the exchanges are lost. some still remain within my reach, for these are almost always the last words, before some hateful thing wakes me from my slumber.

this time i could so nearly see her face clearly for the whole time. she looked so happy, so happy. she said 'why didn't you invite me?'. and i replied 'because you won't want to come anyway.' which she then mockingly pouted. 'why won't i come? i will. it's your birthday,' she said.

i know i would have said something. what i won't have done to continue that conversation. but the phone just rang. and try as i might after that, i couldn't retrace the thread. as all dreams with her went, it ended without a conclusion. and as all dreams go, it wasn't going to be real anyway.

six hours of pool to ease the pain,

still my spirits remain on the wane.

holding the demons i seek to tame,

still on msn she drives me insane.

i wrote this entry about feeling unfeeling the day before yesterday, and after yesterday, i deleted the draft. was going to add on the finishing touches, to top up the lack of inspiration tuesday couldn't provide.

yesterday, just a few minutes past. i had a torrid driving session in the morning, a lesson where nothing went right. got home, and found my dog in a tiresome mood. and then, just as i was about to finish my 神雕侠侶 drama, the show stopped at episode 35. infuriating, because guo xiang had just been reunited with her big brother yang guo, and obviously there were many scenes in store where her face would be shown. abject fact, but the young actress does outshine liu yifei as xiaolongnu. at any rate, my mom borrowed the dvd from her friend, and i was just about to finish it scarce an hour ago when my player crashed.

not really a bad day, just a relatively annoying one. in comparison with a day which i spent 16 hours watching a chinese drama, yesterday was quite fruitful to an extent. i'm hooked on the visual novel, which i can't tear myself away from till i finish. and bloody hell it was just half an hour away.

there's one thing i don't get. what's it with girls and big earrings? i mean, in ancient china blah blah blah of course by tradition you've got those huge ornaments hanging down from each side of the head. but i couldn't help thinking, it seems to apply to everyone today too. is it because these objects make the face look smaller, hence sweeter/cuter/prettier, because to me it makes little difference. with all these new hairdos and outfits, it's one sea of indecipherable colour.

if you've got a sweet face, that's it. nothing else really alters the fact, other than personality, attitude, language etc. but to me, pretty much wraps it up. i'm shallow, i know. but at least i'm honest.

it's been two very short weeks since i found myself out of work. a couple of really interesting weeks, which i've really enjoyed.

one of the simple pleasures of life for now, is just waking up at an unearthly hour, look at the time and just roll back to sleep. it's like the school holidays of the past. but the feeling now, is that this could go on forever.

man united were declared champions of england some time ago, but i'm only addressing it now. soccer still remains an integral part of my life, just that it's slipped down my list of priorities. for old time's sake, congratulations to giggs, scholes and g.neville. none forthcoming for c.ronaldo and rooney, because to me they aren't part of the united family. not yet anyway. the question now is, who will united buy? a new striker definitely, and probably a winger. my guess would be owen hargreaves (to replace scholes) and klas-jan huntelaar, because he's the sort of lethal forward united needs.

and i'm hoping that pool does not do a repeat of instanbul 2005. it was a nightmare when milan got beaten after leading 3-0.

having sprouted irrelevant crap, i'm at a loss as to how to continue.

sleepless nights have been a rarity of late. most of the time i just can't wait to get into bed. i think i've mentioned this at least a few times; night brings about the silence that breeds serenity and lucidity. it's a great time to go through things, unless it is weariness that is prevalent, and not the need for reflection.

resignation was a thing of last week, on both counts. both, that should have came much earlier, only to be dragged and exhausted till both parties couldn't wait to let go.

things to be accepted, the unaccepted to be changed. at times, which course to undertake? i think this could be the one hardest decision to make. weighing the relevant consequences, and for what's worth.

you call michael jordan 'incomparable' and george 'the best' because that's what they really are. and people have just got to get it, that people like them aren't going to come back. they've retired, moved on, and so should we. why the desperate need to bestow compliments on imposters, why the urgent fervent desire to resurrect greatness that has crumbled into dust. i'm sure kobe can be the next mike, and ronaldo can dance like georgie at his peak. the glorious dead should be revered, and left alone.

it's so hard to accept, so difficult to say. that some things cannot be that way. it's not a matter of effort, not the time spent.

of all the people to cheat and lie.