imagine reuben comes up to you one day and says 'screw you, bitch'. or coyote genuinely invites roadrunner over to tea. i think most people's reaction would be, 'who are you?'

it's an unwarranted response i feel, melodramatic and in some sense insensitive. people are what they want you to see, not what you want to see. it's naive to believe that a person will never change, that circumstances are just the backdrop of an unhappy scene. purpose, wants and whims, factors which were so important once. and probably were insignificant at some point of time too.

when someone you once cared about, a friend if you will, changed the way he/she treated you, it hurts at first. but hey, all forms of evolution hurt in some way. it's all about getting used to it. we adjust, and adapt, otherwise we can't survive.

just came back from chorming's birthday bash, and i just can't help feeling that an aloha loyang bungalow is so much better than 2 aloha loyang terraces. it's got so much more space to move around. and despite having multiple places for different groups of people, it's easier to herd them into one compact unit. can't really say the same for the terraces.

at any rate, it does make sense to separate friends from relatives. the reason for a messy birthday party, at least that's how i felt initially, and now it's kind of a fixed mindset. with my relatives in mind, i made a mental check to restrict the number of friends, which on my part was an exceedingly petty act which has been backfiring ever since. invitations, if anything, are a sign of friendship extended. i would be hurt if someone i regarded as a good friend left me in the cold. so it's a tricky and sensitive issue there.

possibly to make up for saturday's totally inept performance, i exerted a little today, scored four truly beautiful goals, and got a sprain wrist and torn sole for reward. means i'm out again long term, which is not a bad thing actually. it was endearing though to play with my weiqi mates. having met them last month at my own birthday, this time we got to sit down and talk. yihui and jia cheng, whom did not turn up for that gathering, came this time, and it really was like secondary school all over again.

pain consuming me, as sleep already has, so i'll just say 'wow, some things really can be suppressed. it hurts less everyday.'


wonder if i should try again.

i met a friend on tues night. he wasn't feeling particularly good, and in these instances you either need someone crappy enough to take his mind off it, or a person he could relate to.

i guess i would have done the same thing, if i were in the same situation. you can find all the happy cheerful souls in the world, and i'm quite doubtful they could make you feel better. what a sad person needs, is another vessel of misery that draws on even more unhappiness. it's the a better remedy to know that someone is worse off than yourself, and that no matter how big a hole you dug youself into, there's someone screaming from the depths of hell below. sadism? probably. but i've never seen a better means of usage.

i would have liked to help him. i probably won't have said this if i could, and it was with relief rather than resignation that i realised that. he just came a few days too late.

it was as if one day, i had taken a deep breath, blown all my miseries into one big balloon, and let it float away in the night sky.

i realise, you can think all you want, formulate all the endless theories and reason all the logic in the known world. but there's no point if you can't change anything. it doesn't matter whether it's right or wrong, much like principles, as long as there is the belief and strength that supports it.

i don't think everyone has a purpose in life to find. you can make one for youself, if there's this sense of insercurity.

i've been going through the ntu package that just arrived. it's one whole mess of papers, which of course includes a few very important application forms. date of submission is 23rd of june.

and as usual, i find a pattern of coincidence. 23rd of june is the date where i should be meeting up with some childhood friends. another bunch of past playments, this time from the class of 5d. it wasn't the sort of thing i would have done previously, this linking up with old mates thing. especially since i haven't seen them for so long. it's not that i don't miss them; i do sometimes, since primary school years were formative ones, and i had quite a few 5d people who were with me from p1 to 4.

(23.15) but now that victor has pangseyed me i'm having second thoughts.

~ Oasis

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up (get up
Come on (come on)
Why are you scared (I'm not scared)
You'll never change
What's been and gone

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

(repeat)

Were all of us stars
Were fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out

it feels weird, to say that you don't matter anymore. such a strange feeling, to see your face in my subconsciousness, and not feel the dull ache that once came with it.

to approach each day not wondering whether you're happy or not, whether things are going smoothly. whether any bee has invaded your bonnet. more importantly, whether you need me to get rid of it. or, if i ever come into the picture at all.

the picture which the sun shines brightly. the grass that shines the health of green, flowers with the most beautiful, perfect array of colours that blind one's vision, yet makes the mind wonder what the eye could not see. the blue, blue sky, with the birds in flight.

the scenary with you, right in the middle in all it's splendor. and i wonder, if i will ever come into the picture at all.

i tried my utmost to replace a certain longstanding sleep debt, and succeeded somewhat. however it wasn't nearly enough to compensate for the lack of driving skill. made it through another lesson though, and received startling news that test date was set in september not august. guess there's no need for panic yet.

saturday was something that i wouldn't have imagined even if i tried. at six i was sitting in front of the barbacue pit, wondering if anyone would turn up. at eight, it was overcrowded. i was thinking, people would just promise to come, then message five minutes before to text some excuse. yea, but almost everyone showed up.

hate to say this. but i was a little bit touched. just a little. it does wonders to soothe the ego.

as in, it meant alot to me. friends over the decade, all gathered at one place. we went through alot together, the various groups of us. it choked me up abit, when chorming, pear and guangxu turned up. if only yihui was along too.

then my 40 sar peeps, the group which i struggled and enjoyed the little pieces of army life with.

my jc people, i never doubted.

but it wasn't the best of parties. i didn't get to take a picture with my mother's side of the family. some people that i would like to see didn't turn up. and it was so very messy. the cake melted when the photos were half-taken.

and then the lobos showed up, followed by alphis, weixun and gan.

that was about it. and i'm 21.