after saying 'no no no!' more than a dozen times, i find my bags packed and ready for another five days camp. irritated quite a few pals, and though their concern is greatly appreciated, i guess i should just see it through. as with hss foc, i think i'm going to die in there. the presence of zh, cj and reubs should have made things alot brighter, but it hasn't really, so it's the same mindset all over again. even the post is equally short.

i've just been to hall 5, and it's exactly like what everyone has said - IT'S DAMN CHUI LA.


it's like some decrepit scrapyard on some nameless hill that no one ever notices unless it suddenly rains and everyone has no choice but to run there for shelter.

it's like that kind of really run-down greenhouse with all the dead plants inside beyond the cracked window panes.

it's going to be the place where i'm going to stay for the next six months or so, if i last that long.

the outlook has changed dramatically; i didn't need an active hall life to stay, and i'm not sure if i want one now. the room, surprisingly, is quite nice, but i think i'm saying this cos from outside it looks too chui liao la. anyway, before that feeling disappears, the room is basically this layout: one big cupboard right smack in the middle so i can't see my roomie (which isn't a very bad thing since it's salas), two beds (one at each corner), a couple of study desks that look quite new, and there we go.

the noodles are soggy, the pool table is small and the place is damn chui (-_-"')

damn depressed now. it adds up to the shit feeling carried over from yesterday.

there used to be a time when durians were never enough. my dad could buy about three or four packets, which equals about seven durians, and me and my bro would just work our way through, effortlessly. the quality didn't really matter; to me, durians were all the same.

having not touched a durian for ages, jieying, zhuangyi and i just sat through a durian supper, which i have to admit, was a poor performance on my part. somehow, the durian doesn't taste as good as it used to. compared to the lousy stuff i used to feast on, this time should have been an enjoyable experience. the old me would have gone through ten, and no less, without even being remotely satisfied. but then again, it just goes to show that though old habits die hard, some old wants do disappear over time. zhuangyi went berserk though, as did jieying. one just mowed his way through, while the other sat there grinning so absurdly happily with one in her hand. no wonder i felt out of place lol.

the first time salas brought us to geylang, leo was absolutely pulsating with excitement, while i was (unfortunately unbashfully embarrassingly), looking forward to the experience. hey, you can't blame an evergreen guy from feeling excited, can you? but this time when we strolled around the area, i felt at ease, like a seasoned veteran casually examining his battlefield. i must have unintentionally matured over the past three months. either that, or maybe because all the hookers were mysteriously absent. talk about a disappointed bunch of ah peks and a distraughted young man (zy not me).


having gone through a particular person's blog, i now remember why mine is so empty. some things just cannot be written down, especially embarrassing points; they do come back to haunt you in the near future, as it first did when the girls discovered mine. i can still recall the various posts i edited or scrapped, some i wrote so with much care and love, others with anger and ill-concealed vehemence, but they are all gone now.

in truth, i was facing the very same dilemma before this situation came about. and i'm glad i took so long to write everything down, because due to that routine bout of procrastination i've decided not to, at least not as detailed as it would have been. there's always the risk that the people in question might just stumble upon the personal thoughts and take it the wrong way.

but then again, i wish i had the courage to do certain things. because if i did, the entries here would not be so guarded. it won't have mattered, if the person sees what i think, because she would know it too. so dastardly cowardly la. sometimes i think people write blogs for different reasons, whether it is for the emotional outlet factor, or simply due to certain excuses conjured up by the individual.

anyway, i've just remembered which character she reminds me of. it's very weird la, but now i can place a name and cartoon person to the face. no wonder everytime we speak there's this 'colours of the wind' playing somewhere in the background. but unless i push myself forward as john, there wouldn't be a happy ending. at least not for me.

still contemplating whether to go for hall camp. mr salas called this afternoon and said though still extremely reluctant, there still existed the slight possibility that he might join me and reuben after all. assuming he has a change of mind, things would brighten up a whole lot more. it really would.


i know i harbored similar feelings for hss foc, and look how it turned out.

everytime there seems to be an opportunity to forget, someone has to reappear again.

really not damn suay la.

two empty feelings in the tummy now, one because it's lunch time, the other because well, my life currently just seems devoid of any meaningful purpose.

i'm wondering if it's possible for people to be good friends after just a week of exposure. not all bosom buddies are like wine, that taste better with age, because you never know when someone more attune to your personal frequency will come along. you don't throw away old clothes, because the memories will always be there, a few stitches coming loose, but not breaking away as long as the effort to care is there.

the thing is, there is this certain closeness with these people that is hard to fathom. perhaps it can be put down to a bout of freshness. but in that particular case, the emotion would be excitement, not a comfortable, happy feeling that has not yet died away. i think it'll be gone soon enough.

it's dangerous to have feelings for someone. i can never be sure if it's just an urgent need to fill some void, or to replace a person i lost somewhere down the road. either way it's not a very healthy thing.

it's not her shadow i see. somehow.

i had this very long post on hss camp 07. but unlike most of the entries in recent memory, this one simply just refused to end. every time i finished an incident there was this naggling feeling that something had been left out and not done justice to, and it got very agitating because it just went on and on till i felt as if i was writing a life story instead of just a five day event.

even at the start of the camp, i already knew sihui was my ogl. that in itself was a comfort. what i didn't expect was to see jieying. my mom once previously mentioned her, and being interested in every thing coming from aj it wasn't that hard to recall. hence that was two people i already knew even before camp started. good stuff. you always need a siao gl for camps like this, and jy is definitely fits that criteria.


first days of camps are always dreadful. there's this bunch of people you've never seen before, and you don't know how to react. to my chagrin but not surprise, there were six lit girls but no guys. but it got better as monday passed. tuesday was interesting for the day and thrilling at night. fright night was so well done you would have thought they hired professionals.

amazing race as a day more remembered for conversations than the stations, simply because more time was spent travelling than playing. but it was nice to finally hang out and just talk, rather than play games that seem more repetitive by the minute. and yes, i'm very sensitive about my height.

sentosa really took the cake. the beach games really surpassed whatever they came up with for the icebreakers, which was really something. seniors (i can't really bring myself to call same aged girls seniors but there you are) were enthusiastic to the point of insanity and jieying finally lost her voice. sihui and qianru didn't, but then again, they don't scream that much. the games ended with a tao pok, and then jackson amused the whole lot of us by singing love songs to jieying. i laughed so much i almost died. singing in the sea to your 'loved' one has become the 'in' romantic thing to do.

on the last day, we had a mass war game, and most of us went berserk. it got rather violent, but all in good fun, and the ogl head yvonne was rather hefty. for the cheering competition, it was ours for the taking and we blew it. you win some you lose some.

lunch at buona vista was a scream for different reasons. most of the guys turned up in slippers and bermudas, and those in jeans didn't look too bothered either. the girls on the other hand took this opportunity to dress up into their various assortment of garments, and left us looking distinctly shabby. not that we cared, of course. pageant campaign soon followed, and mr wong tak wee won pageant king!?! omg i'll never recover from the shock. the skits were remarkably boring except for ours, which brought the house down, with mr ronald 'bikini' as shivas.

and that was hss foc 07. talk about not doing justice to a great event.

with hss camp looming, the last thing i need is a deflaming exchange. what makes the situation worse is that none of my supposed allies in the matter have sought to defend my stand. it's more of feeling the disappointment of betrayal, however mild, rather than anger at words which do not really matter.

there was this moment when the ball came loose. it rolled to me, and i took an uncharacteristic first touch which left the big defender for dead. he'd been a huge stumbling block for us; the threat of zhipeng almost completely neutralised for long periods of the game, due to this tenacious monster of a rearguard. now out of the equation, all remained the keeper and goal.

no one remembers the path towards goal. it lasts all of seven seconds, and the striker finds himself already in front of the custodian. there's not much time to think, to contemplate going for the safe option, or something flashy. and in that situation i found myself, bearing upon goal, zhipeng shouting something i couldn't hear. i knew because i looked at him and he was screaming something.

strikers say that before you shoot, look into the face of the keeper. feed from his fear, draw strength from it. most importantly, don't think about missing.

the ball at my feet, he came out arms flapping. and i just did what i normally would do. i slid the ball between his legs and skipped over him. yewtze told me later he had already begun celebrating, leo was shouting something in the background.

and i turned, to see the keeper on his bum. and the ball stuck between his arse.

a few things happened in the last 24 hrs. random incidents which i'm writing about now because i'm still clueless as to which category they file under. hopefully i can decide somewhere in the near future.

first incident happened yesterday when i was taking the routine nap. a phone call which drew me from my slumber, and then a female voice which enthusiastically told me i was in the humanities and social science camp. the initial scenario was something like this: i didn't really want to go, but i didn't want to get rejected either. so am i supposed to feel relief or chagrin, it's still an open question.

didn't have such a problem with the second one. i recommended a friend to a survey, each survey pays a hundred bucks, and he got it and i didn't. it's so damn infuriating because the lucky guy in question screwed up our chances in the first survey, and now he gets the second one. feeling distinctly unhappy. feeling damn dulan in fact. not the best thing to know first thing in the morning, and this could have led to the third thing, parallel parking. i have no idea how i'm going to park an auto car in the future. suddenly the old ladies who parked their bmws with such poorly concealed skill and confidence, as well as relative ease, don't look so fag after all. i wish i could park like them.

small things which wouldn't have bothered me in that past. there are two ways to look at this: either i'm morphing into a small-minded freak, or i'm beginning to appreciate the trivial things in life. both ways don't look too good, which means yes i've changed into something different. and all these rantings mean nothing because i might have decided how to feel about them, thus i still remain bemused by my own indecisiveness.

more important things in the horizon: man utd are reportedly after tevez. now, why the hell would sir fergie need carlos tevez?! dammit, we already have rooney as the bulldozer; don't we need a lethal, potent forward instead. someone like mr fernando torres in his liverpool shirt who well could have been in a man utd jersey, had fergie not signed anderson and not sign tevez. anderson remains an enigma; either he's going to be a smashing success like... or he's going to be a damn failure like veron, forlan and kleberson.

the other fergie's song glamorous is nice.