i have this extremely bad habit of becoming emotionally attached to something, or someone. despite constantly reminding myself once and again to remain detached, it's shaping out to be one big heartbreak. about why we can't just let things remain the way they were, about why there are always hovering external factors that refuse to go away, and mostly about why i must make a decision that needs two people and not just myself.

besides that, it has still been a fun ride so far. leo came over on tues, and the few of them had a porn fest, tze and reubs included. didn't sleep that night, and almost died the next day. for different reasons.

homework has been quite a burden so far, not because of the magnitude and difficulty, but because time seems to literally fly by; it's always eleven before i know it, and by the time reading is done, the clock strikes two, and tc101 begins, conducted by associate professor salas who gives varied and entertaining lectures which usually end at 1500 hours.

other than the weiqi pompous ass who got owned, everyone is forgiven this week. including myself.

chaucer is.. gay. there's no other word for him. barely a few minutes pass by without me cursing at the indecisiveness of a guy group which could have taken ANY other topic, but didn't because they were scrambling for the list which refused to materialise because they FORGOT to print it. anyway, it's done. finally. good riddance to the general prologue for another week.

anyway, this good feeling about university shouldn't last all the way (it had a break when we were fiddling with chaucer). but right now, it's a fun. screw jc and all it's restrictions. studying, should be like this: you do it with your own discipline and love for the subject, not because the school is concerned about her rankings.

it's been a busy week, but a fulfiling one. penny, the girls and me. a group with a penchant for insane and crappy conversations. so this will be my group of friends for the next four years, and for now, it doesn't look half bad.

tried playing soccer on wed, and ended up twisting my own toenail off to accomodate the shoes. i never knew toenails were important; i always thought they were there so that the fairer sex could paint them, and we had them so it won't seem weird if we didn't. anyway, i can neither shoot nor pass now. more time for studying i guess. genes r us will be manageable, but i don't see how the three girls can pass. despite my word to help, people with no bio, or even chem background, should never consider that module. you will die, i repeat, die a horrible death. even if you s/u it.

right now, just hoping the signs aren't false. but it is a false hope that breaks a man.

it's been so much fun, i hope it never ends.

i need my sleep, or rather, i need my rest. i really do. there's no point closing my eyes on this world, and get transported to another reality which instead of rest, i get to put on another constume and mask; i get to play another character of myself in another alternate universe. it's tiring. both demands can be equally tiring.

this time, it was a good dream. it was a sweet mixture of desire and happiness not bounded by any irritating external factors which have clouded the sky of every picture i have found myself in.

but then, there is the waking up part. with a huge black cloak, an invisible giant veils the sun, and i get momentarily blinded by darkness. and i refuse to reopen my eyes.

knocked out since eight thirty, i was awaken once again by a series of nightmares, which have become increasingly familiar. except this time, it got closer to the ending, but i managed to shake myself awake just before. barely.

i suppose this will become part of my routine life as soon as school gets really underway. there's no real escape, no genuine source of reprieve; i've always hated how i get so emotionally affected by books, how i actually feel for the fictional characters, touched by their cries of angst and screams of pain. in everyone of them i see a shadow of myself; i see myself slumped, disappointed at failure to succeed at the adjacent levels, weeping as another familar person strolls by, grimacing at another opportunity which slipped away.

despite the unhappiness, at least someone's happy.

I GOT MY PSYCHO SLOT!

it's on a friday afternoon, that blasted tutorial, but at least there's an available option for me to play around with.

things are starting to look up a lil'.

woke up at 0815, brushed my teeth at 0823, sat in front of the pc till 0929, clicked all the relevant slots on the dot of 0930, fingers trembling in the process; i only wake up at 8am on public holidays for really important matters, like weddings and the occasional soccer, so you can guess this one held some real significance. i do not make unnecessary sacrifices, or so i think.

i think i missed it by mircoseconds. no need for exclamations and stuff because this was what i had expected. but then again, expecting something to happen, and for it to actually become a reality.. man that sucks.

i might not want it this term. but there's always a added plus point having the power to choose when everything's already safely in the bag. this pyschology module should be taken next term i feel, when i'm well-adjusted and everything, yet i might have completed everything with a little hard work. maybe reading the texts first would give me a better idea.

the lit lectures so far number two, and they totally contrasted in nature. HL101 almost bored me to death. the professor just went on and on and on about subject requirements and student expectations, which could be written down in lecture notes and given to us. the hoca, or teacher for HL104 was great though. he engaged us throughout the lesson, gave a very intense overview of what we were going to do for the rest of this sem. no wonder they said HL104 was a killer (they meaning my seniors); i can't see myself enjoying reading in different variations of the english language. but i will try.

so much for getting books from my seniors. i have to buy all the expensive ones since we're going to use them ANYWAY. there's this thick book that costs all of seventy bucks, and i threw it back on the shelf. now i have to go hunt for that damn book again.

i must be cracking up, because i let my guard down last night. one should never, ever show his vulnerable side; there will be repercussions in the future. letting slip was not a good move, i even wrote a poem on the spot. talk about total embarrassment. but anyway, it's national day.

talk about a bad start. i didn't have lecture notes, nor the electives i really wanted. ah well, an opportunity to work on my literary studies, and play around with this 'genes r us' module, which is biology and will almost certainly be s/u (subject unsatisfactory). seriously, not the best of beginnings by a very long shot. no psychology and forensic science and.. it's better not to say anything else.

i've got this niggling feeling that yesterday's party was an elaborate ploy to distract the juniors, hence leading to this morning's scenario where most of the seniors were up nice and early, stationed at their terminals to grab the best courses, and the rest of school was still sleeping. there's a conspiracy somewhere.

but you have to start somewhere. and off the launchpad i go.

suspense.. is killing me.

the first lesson of my university life, a lecture which will serve as my re-introduction to the world of literature, and i'm not prepared at all.

this new beginning is important to me for an assortment of reasons. i need to do well, need to do well, and failure will be the final knockout blow. so many have doubt me, and more will do so in the course of this semester. to say i will make the necessary ripostes would be an idle boast now, and though i really feel i can do it, feeling and really accomplishing the act are two different things.

all i can do now, is go through memories of the time when i actually studied, and enjoyed lit. and perhaps most importantly, did well. doing well has more weightage than enjoyment now.

there should be more shivas outings. but since school is starting already, the times should be more limited, if there are any at all.

very very apprehensive about school tomorrow. despite the presence of some lit girls who are crazy people, it's going to be a major cultural shock.

alan smith has left for newcastle. in his place steps in carlos tevez, a player possibly packed with more skills and industry, an attacking threat that beside twin terrors rooney and ronaldo will rival any other forward line including barca's henry, ronaldinho, messi and eto'o/messi. most man united fans should be in the midst of rejoicing.

i am not one of them. despite tevez being a more recognizable accomplished striker, 'smudge' has always been one of my heroes, and will always remain so. tenacity, grit, the utter fearlessness of a fighter, never losing his indomitable spirit even in the face of demoralising odds. how smith fought for every single ball, chased after every lost cause, and threw himself at every potential threat; i can't believe he is truly gone from our ranks. many have said that smith 'is a good player, just not good enough for man united.' if only he were given more opportunities.

to alan smith, once the number 14 of manchester united, standing among the best in his own right.


despite all the hype surrounding the many players (four to be exact) man utd has signed, chelsea just seems to be unbeatable. defence, midfield, attack.. chelsea just has the edge. no matter how you see it, ferdinand and vidic just seems below terry and carvalho; in midfield, essien rules supreme, and lampard with ballack aren't slouches either. hargreaves and carrick are industrious players, quality midfield dynamos but lacking in the physical area, and that could be crucial. thank god for rooney and ronaldo, and there's nani too now. having said that, there's no way tevez can overcome the might of a certain drogba.

so it could be a long season ahead.

jane said i looked sian diao. i have to explain myself here.

when you've spent the last three years of your life running around in a male environment (especially army), it's really a huge culture shock to say the least, when you walk into a lecture theatre filled with girls.

you glance around desperately, looking for someone that shares the same lost look, any possible trace of maleness that would present some comfort. the left seats are taken by girls; the centre portion holds some giggly females. the right hand side which you are standing next to now lets out an excited squeal, and in the background you distinctly hear the number 'five!'. just when you're wondering what that number stands for, the scanning of area is completed, and total four guys - other than yourself - are present. realisation dawns, and embarrassment swiftly follows, and suddenly being seated (and getting out of sight) becomes the single most important thing in the world.

three guys join the fray, but it doesn't make things that much better. just another few expandable soldiers sent out to die in the battlefield.

i'm distraughted la. guys should never wish for a course full of girls. it's really disturbing, really really distressing, and ronald can go stuff his mouth; there's nothing to be envious about. regarding girls, one for a girlfriend is enough, and the rest, save a few friends, are nothing but... trouble.

i've got this uncomfortable feeling that i shouldn't have gone for hall camp. sure, i've made a couple of friends there in the first two days, and from past experiences the icebreaking and lame games are usually the ones that count. but now they are probably going to scream 'PANGSEY' and other lame stuff; it's too late for regrets. my mom was sick, and with that, i think i did the right thing.

my biggest mistake was comparing hall camp with hss foc. part of me believed that this hall camp had the makings of a even bigger fun fest. as mentioned earlier, there are quite a few buddies with me, comparatively with hss, where i only had two. by all means it should have been way better la. the odds got even better when i met dexter and simon, zh and reubs' roommate's respectively, nice dudes which clicked immediately. and hence solving the potential problem of a cold, sad society i might have to stay in.

i'm probably just prejudiced, but i felt that some of the seniors were just abit too enthusiastic for my liking. hopefully they were real, because i felt that from the hss people, and there was this really nauseating feeling that some of the things said and actions seen were kind of for entertainment's sake rather than any genuine attempt to make us feel more at home. perhaps it's just the very adverse difference between humanities people and the rest of school, i don't know. but i felt the gulf.

it should be a sin when people speak english badly, and act as if it's the most natural thing in the world.


anyway, the really annoying moment was one when this accountancy dude was running beside me. the seniors were as usual screaming at us to run faster (this was irritating as hell as well because after all they ARE from the '86 batch, and even my sir back in ns treats me with more respect), and this guy took it upon himself to scream 'JIAYOU FASTER! YOU CAN DO IT!'

my first reaction was 'wtf?...' followed sharply by an intense desire to trip that loser up. then punch him till he died.

if there's one thing i really REALLY hate, it's people telling me what to do, how to do, when i am obviously superior, or when they are not really that much better. look dude, you're panting; i'm not. you're just some crap that didn't get into business camp, and your desperate attempt to make up for it in hall camp doesn't concern me.


right now they are probably somewhere playing beach games. the only envy i have is for myself two weeks back, the nostalgia of enjoying the games with shivas.

now that i'm back to reality, i realise just how much i hate cheering. after hss foc, i thought i had destroyed that particular barrier. anyone who saw me at the cheer competition on the last day would attest to that. the first cheer that came out, i shouted 'SHIVAS!' at the end of it, and received some dirty stares. the rest of the cheers didn't sound natural after that. it just seemed.. wrong. the people shouting weren't really into it; they were screaming 'cos the seniors were urging them along, and the energy factor was so lacking. SAD was mocked and laughed at by various fractions of the hss faternity, but you can't deny their importance to any group. any, ANY orientation group needs a bunch of SADs, and not some ah bengs who think they are funny.

no offence to my group members; i think they are really quite nice. just that if we can be friends, there's no reason why three days in camp would make a difference. so i've missed sentosa, sp and potentially camp finale.


seven months have passed, and next monday is the start of school. how depressingly exciting.