The guy sitting in front of me
Have bony breakable fingers
That just wont break
Because that’s just the way it is.
It just wont break.

this running and hiding, it doesn't appeal to me. i know insecurity is one of my major flaws, but this failing is not totally unjustified. at some point of time we do doubt our actions and as a whole, the person we are.

at least i do not lie to myself. or rather, i can't. trying to deceive youself always comes back to haunt, and destroy eventually.

so what if the care is there, the feeling is there, when at the face of others' incessant chatter and opinionated remarks it disappears, only to be replaced by embarrasment and chagrin. it's just false, to be built on such brittle thin foundations.

but then again, what does 'listen to you heart for the unspoken words' mean? it just throws everything once again into disarray.

she never does realise.

it's hard for me too.

this is the life i've been looking for.

having said this, i know it's just asking for trouble. a declaration always results in the exact opposite, or something close to it, happening at the wrong time, in the wrong room, basking in the dark corner under a lightless lamp.

it is this fear that moments never last. isn't it, always the case? that we dare not touch the things that we can't bear to break, speak the words we shouldn't say, dance not the little dance of happiness because no tune lasts forever, and the dance steps will cease and the melody drifts off into nothingness.

into the nothingness, the black expanse of black that suddenly envelopes us, consumes our innermost thoughts, my innermost feelings, my own happy feeling which reluctantly takes leave of my soul. and takes my still-beating heart with it.

deceived by sweet poison i may be.

if so then let it take me.

to always want more,
doesn't everyone.
not to be happy with,
what we already have.
even though it's
more than initially,
initially expected.

the thin grey line,
so fine a grey line,
to tread ever so
softly, shyly, silently,
noiselessly in between.

what does it mean, to give and not receive.
nothing but toothy smiles and words of gratitude,
and one realises that the weariness remains.

and does not go away.


when will she finally realise.

it's raining again. i don't mind rain if it makes the weather slightly cooler, but potential blackouts are intolerable. it's great that i'm exercising dilligence as my primary virtue now, otherwise my battery would have been dead. as of now, it's resting on my left hand, safe and sound.

three assignments for next week, all of a certain huge weightage. i started early, so i'm alright. can't say the same for some people, but then again, they had fun while i was spending late nights pondering over the stupid essay questions, so good riddance there. s/u-ing genes r us could be one of the best decisions i ever made, since i never anticipated such an influx of workload. as the situation looks, i'm poised to finish by monday night.

the weiqi club in ntu looks well on its way. yeowtang is here, which is kind of an enormous stroke of luck, since he brings all the enthusiasm and responsibilities i would never have. lobos looks set for a revival of sorts, with the addition of three very, very good players in bong, tak and edmund.

so far the situation is acceptable. need to make it better somewhat. that's the mark of a champion, and potential dean's list student.

heartwrenchingly beautiful work of art.

and the cycle comes once again.

reincarnated into this gorgeous machine.

still it takes my breath away.

i need to see her.

i need to see her.

i need to see her.

to know why i'm doing all this. like a drug addict looking for his next pinch; so degrading in itself, the act. when the other doesn't care.

when she cares not, where do i find the reason to go on.

i got my new laptop!~


fujitsu s6410. picture not available cos my phone is not with me.

happy happy days. hope it doesn't end with tomorrow's pc result.