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Tuesday, March 23, 2010


i've lost faith, both in others and myself. i don't think i can trust either side to ever fully commit in a relationship. there's nothing to look forward to, save disappointment, desperation. chagrin. and eventually retaliation that kills the soul, bit by bit till it sours.

even when i feel happy, i know it may not be real. it won't be real. the past will devour and cause the influx of doubt which casts everything into question. so what? happiness is short-lived, a broken heart remains an item for forever.

if you don't want it to end? the simple of feeling of feeling happy. the simple goodness of knowing there's someone worth loving again. what then? the urge to see her everyday. yet you know this was the feeling of the past, and it may still be one and the same, so the new may just be another vessel, holding the transference of emotions. even if your heart and mind both tell you 'no' you know that delusion can be a powerful thing. so happy as you were the last two thursdays, with your heart pounding like a little drum that went hairwire, little snatches of unbridled joy at the knowledge of someone like her existing... is it the truth or is it a lie? friends? how come someone like her be anything less that someone more than a friend?

did i love the previous as much, or more, or less? can i trust my memory again? more importantly, can i trust my feelings now? and what if nothing comes out of this.

repression, suffocation. all in the day's work, for a man suffering from emotional debt. she's real, no doubt about it. more real than anyone you've come across before. but it's just too late, you know? it's too late. the timing stinks, the opportunities are plentiful yet wanting, and you're healing, you're recovering, its not time to step in. but she's real. she's so real that she might just fade away. anytime. and then you realize, when it's really too late, that she could have been the only one real thing that will cross your life.

_'Jx]- faded at 12:05 PM