hypothetically i had a roommate, and by some bizarre miracle our relationship survived through extensive and overwhelming differences, in personalities, opinions and every other single thing. one thing that did bind us was weiqi, and alliances had to be intricately formed. we needed each other then as teammates, and an odd pair we certainly were, he from the chinese division and i from the english department. for the earliest part things were reasonably well; other than his snoring and occasionally preaching and boasting, all was good.

yet there never is an immediate collapse to things, other than ill-conceived accidents. all break-downs are a result of accumulations, of little spites not seen by a careless eye. righteous outbursts aside, some of the things he said didn't tally with what he did. and because they were so loudly expressed, that made it harder to understand and stomach. i wasn't the easiest person to live with either, and the situation went on a downward spiral from then on.

i'm just going to let it out now. it'll all be in past tense because i don't want to dwell on it.

i hated it the way that he bitched about other people in weiqi in order to boost his own standing. i hated the way he discussed the game, reviewing it as if everything he said was correct, and always being so loud, condescending and intolerant. i hated the way he griped about people with no talent when everyone knew his standard came from extensive and intensive training, which i never went through more than five percent while retaining the ability to beat him. i hated the fact that he undermined me and shouted at me after he forced me to take charge of the weiqi team, only after i gave in due to the rest of my teammates. i hated the way he used weiqi to brag about everything when there was nothing. i hated the way he always quoted buddhist scriptures and tried to impose his view on others. i hated the way he termed buddhism as a philosophy rather than a religion he obviously regarded it as. i hated the way that he always quoted himself as a vegetarian but saw it fit to change whenever he could. i hated the way he refused to kill the pests when our room was full of vermin. i hated the way he condemned other immoral people when he couldn't keep up with half the things he said. i hated the way he linked buddhism to chinese studies and boasted about his advantage when the link was forged by self-interest rather than academic value. i hated the way he liked to preach philosophy when his centre obviously couldn't hold. i hated the way he threw his measly pieces of knowledge about in order to condemn people. i hated the way he boasted about his number of relationships, the girls who liked him, the possibilities he shunned and the attention he deserved. i hated the way he moaned about his poverty one moment and boasted about his ability to earn big bucks at events. i hated the way he spent his parents' money and cooked up a multitude of reasons not to take a part time job. i hated the way he owed my pal money for two and a half years, not only spending the cash on himself and unnecessary things, but calling his loan-officer a cb when the word tolerance no longer factored in. i hated the way he told me to stay away from dark stuff when he couldn't keep up the moral act himself. i hated the way he abandoned his first girlfriend in university, and then took physical advantage of the girl even when he had no intention to reciprocate. i hated the way he always flirted with girls and boasted about his achievements to bask in their admiration. i hated the way he cheated on his girlfriend twice, one physically, and tried to justify the situation. i hated the way he always tried to slap himself and cry himself silly when that didn't change anything. i hated the way he shouted at his girlfriend even though he was the one to break the trust in the relationship. i hated the way he always tried to dictate the proceedings even when he had no right to. i hated the way he allowed no one to insult him when he could insult at will. i hated the fact that he was a fucking hypocrite and fucking poser and fucking loud-mouth.

and i'm sure i left something out somewhere.

yesterday when i went to find my prof, he made me realise one very important thing: diplomatic relations. to be honest, i was disappointed initially, and till now, i'm not very sure whether the distributor made the right choice; both the novel and the field of study don't add up. but i do admit that he is a professor for a very good reason, and his insights have helped formulated my thesis. yet, now i'm not allowed to seek consultations with other professors for my self-glorifying essay. it is all very confusing indeed.

life is confusing.